Video contact with foster carers (covid)

[Montues]

Hi, our recently placed son is 18 months old and was with his foster carers from birth. We live far away from them and they are currently unable to travel to visit him. Has anyone else got experience of non direct contact with foster carers for children this age? We have been trying video calls but I’m not sure what he makes of it, he gets very distressed and frustrated and I wonder if that’s just his very understandable feelings of grief, or also to do with them being on a screen and not there physically and this being weird for him?

Hi we don't have direct contact with either of our children's foster carers. We text them and keep in touch but very much for a reason and that has worked. The youngest and most recently placed, we felt it was better for our attachments and settling in that he have no contact for a while.

Do you use video calling with anyone else? We have used it since DD came home between ourselves and even 3 years later now she is 4, it is still very hit and miss. My 14 month old birth nephew is starting to join in calls but frequently wanders away either bored for frustrated because he doesn't have my sister's/his mother's full attention. We find exchanging videos works best. He loves to watch DD read him a story or sing him a song and she's the same with daddy. She will often send him a video and he'll send one back.

My son gets cross when I have phone calls with people and they’re not videos... to him video calls are ordinary calls as that’s all he’s used to (we did lots of video calls when my transitions were paused because of lockdown). We do video calls with everyone important. In the first couple of months my son would have a video call with his foster carers once a week. He’d be so dyaregulated and upset for days afterwards that it was hindering his attachment to me. At the time he was 21 months. I know the current view is that continued contact with FCs help with parental attachment but that wasn’t for us. Once I stopped the calls his grief began to subside and he began to attach. We’re five months into placement now and he’s definitely attached, settled and his last video call with his FCs went so well (as in he was as bothered with them as he is with anyone on a video call!) that we’re seeing them later this week.

If he’s not used to video calls I’d suggest photos, letters, video messages to ensure he knows he’s not been rejected by them. If he is used to video calls but only reacts this way to them on the video then maybe consider my experience? I hope that helps.

We have a 2 year old and he only manages video calls with my parents - he hates them with anybody else. My parents sit there with a box of toys and show them coming onto the screen from the side - he recognises the toys from when we have visited so he loves them. I think at 18 months he wouldn’t have understood and he certainly didn’t get it at the beginning of lockdown, but now it’s become the norm!

Can you do it on a larger screen like the telly?

Also - videos are much better I think - as our DS loves to replay them when we get them - though this does tend to be videos of other children.

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. It’s so individual isn’t it to each child, and helped me realise we sort of have to see how it goes for now. The days he does speak to them he actually sleeps better at night and is much calmer in the day. I also think he then seeks more comfort too from us. He sort of screams at them when we call but I think it’s helping him (for now) to get those feelings out. We also have a photo in his room of them that he will go to and kiss sometimes. Or just flip over! I think the videos are a nice idea too as he would face more control over when he stops and starts those.

We did video calls with foster carers at first to kinda test the waters and see how he coped. We waited almost 3 months before doing it. Tbh he really wasn't fussed, he seemed to recognise them but quickly went off to do his own thing. He doesn't understand video calls anyway but he has paid more attention e.g with my parents. I think it's worth doing though to keep that connection up for when you can physically meet, if that's what you plan to continue doing.

I was going to suggest video messages too :-)

Video messages might be an idea. BUT as you say it is ok for them to express their very normal grief/distress. It will be there whether you do the calls/video messages or don’t but expressed grief in a little one is much better than repressed grief. And the good thing is you are showing them that you can handle their grief and distress and will be there to comfort them.

Thanks @Newpuppymummy and everybody else for your thoughts. That really resonates that it does help him to know we can bear his distress and understand it. For the moment we are continuing with the video calls, and interestingly he is now really giving heartfelt goodbyes in different situations. Like he’s really working out what goodbye means. His carers will come and visit when they can and they tell him that on the calls and I think that’s important for him to hear too. Nobody wants to see a little on upset but it does feel like it helps him to know what he misses and that we are there for him in this. He’s sleeping loads better now and not looking out of the window in a searchy way as often (unless he’s very tired).

Sounds like you are doing an amazing job of supporting him.