Becoming a dad.

[KXBNXV]

Hi all,

Although this says adoption, I'm not adopting. I found out I'm a dad and he's 3 years old. I was contacted by the social work and I'm doing a parenting assessment just know as I want custody of him. He stays in England and I stay in Scotland.

I will be completely new to me and will be new to him as well.

Does anyone have any tips for helping him settle? Any challenges I might face ect?

I'm really excited and looking forward to him hopefully coming to stay with me and I it will hard work, just looking to found out the challenges I might face with a 3 year old.

Thanks

Koba

It may be best too look at this Org dedicated too person's like yourself who have local support and offer help and advice. Feel sure will have a blog or forum page www.gingerbread.org.uk

What are the issues around him coming to live with you, if you don’t mind me asking? Has he been removed from his mother by social services?

I would try to imagine it in worst case scenarios and then you might be pleasantly surprised. So don’t expect him to want to be with you. Expect him to scream and cry and lash out. And expect that to last for weeks. If he’s three he might be potty trained but the trauma of a new home might regress him and he might have a lot of toilet accidents. Or he might still be in nappies anyway. If he’s coming from a neglectful or abusive home he might not be emotionally on the same level as other children his age but still have needs more typical of a younger toddler so you might need to ‘baby’ him for a while.

Do you work? Are you able to take some time off work? As he will likely need you to be at home with him, getting to know him, for a fair few weeks.

Just really try to be realistic. Although it is exciting, it’s going to be really hard work and you might get a little boy who resents being with you and throws all you do for him back in your face for months. But that will pass, but you have to be prepared for it to take a long time.

Obviously, all that’s the worst case scenario. You might get a sunny little tot who adores you from the get go. But please don’t be disheartened if you don’t. And yes, being the most tired you have ever felt in your entire life is normal in the first few months!

@fasparent

It may be best too look at this Org dedicated too person's like yourself who have local support and offer help and advice. Feel sure will have a blog or forum page www.gingerbread.org.uk

I'll have a look at this thank you.

@AmyandPhilipfan

What are the issues around him coming to live with you, if you don’t mind me asking? Has he been removed from his mother by social services?

I would try to imagine it in worst case scenarios and then you might be pleasantly surprised. So don’t expect him to want to be with you. Expect him to scream and cry and lash out. And expect that to last for weeks. If he’s three he might be potty trained but the trauma of a new home might regress him and he might have a lot of toilet accidents. Or he might still be in nappies anyway. If he’s coming from a neglectful or abusive home he might not be emotionally on the same level as other children his age but still have needs more typical of a younger toddler so you might need to ‘baby’ him for a while.

Do you work? Are you able to take some time off work? As he will likely need you to be at home with him, getting to know him, for a fair few weeks.

Just really try to be realistic. Although it is exciting, it’s going to be really hard work and you might get a little boy who resents being with you and throws all you do for him back in your face for months. But that will pass, but you have to be prepared for it to take a long time.

Obviously, all that’s the worst case scenario. You might get a sunny little tot who adores you from the get go. But please don’t be disheartened if you don’t. And yes, being the most tired you have ever felt in your entire life is normal in the first few months!

Issues with his mother and he has a care order. He does have some behaviour issues. We have met and he seems ok so far with me but I understand he may change when it's just me and him but it could go really well at the same time.

I had a video call with him today and he was calling me dad which was good to hear. So he does understand who I am.

I’d start now looking at therapeutic parenting and getting a good understanding of trauma and how it impacts children, especially attachment. Anything by Dan Hughes is a good place to start. While he may be your birth son, to all intents and purposes he’s leaving his known birth family which will be traumatic, before you understand the reasons for the care order and the impact on him.

Good luck, exiting times ahead but you’re right to do your homework.

hi @KXBNXV

gingerbread is an organisation for single parents so may be of help with general single parenthood.
Although its not adoption in legal terms, I think you are right to treat it as such in terms of the practical and emotional issues you will experience.
Be wary of reading too much into him calling you dad, it may be that’s what he’s been told to call you. When I first met my son, the other foster child in the home also called me mummy, because she heard everyone calling me that, even though she had her own mummy.
You will need to remember that he will have been through some very difficult times and moving to you will be traumatic for him. Everything will be very different for him, and as difficult as his home life may have been he will be losing everything that is familiar to him, everything will look, smell, sound different to him. He will be a very scared little boy and his behaviour will reflect that.
Have social services indicated if there may be support available to you.
You will need to take time away from work to settle him in.
Good luck