LO's foster carers visiting us at home?

[user1479136681]

Hello again! I haven't posted in a while since things have been okay. LO has been home for almost 6 months, he's settled, affectionate and I feel more like an actual parent and not some imposter who's kidnapped a child.

My question is about having FCs to visit. We have seen them 3 times since placement, usually we go out for a walk, we met once for coffee. Now with cases rising we put off our last visit and did a video chat instead. Now, foster mum would like to meet for lunch, but I'd rather do it at home than go out - I'll order some food in and we can eat in the garden. (and GOD I know we could do with a second lockdown but I really hope we don't have one!).

My question is, is this a good idea do you reckon? Will it be too destabilising to have her round?

He is confident at home now and noticeably different (more compliant, quiet and shy) when we go out compared to when we're at home (when he's boisterous, non-stop, loud!) he knows this is his house. I don't want to jeapordise that but I would really like to see his foster mum again! It would just be her + the new baby she is fostering (he is only 18mo but I have told him about the new baby and said he is still just as special to them and they love him just as much, totally true as he was their first ever foster child and they waited months before taking #2) so that might be a problem too.

Hi,
It's a difficult one, depending on the relationships and how you see things working out with the foster carer in the future. You also know your LO really well now so your instincts will be the most valuable. Years on from placement we only see my LO's carers on neutral ground once or maybe twice a year, but that's what works for us. It might be a really good thing for your LO to meet at home.

How about lunch in the garden if it's still nice, and if that's possible? That could be a bit less intrusive.

Good luck!

Sorry just realised you already mention the garden - I would go with that!

Our childrens foster parents have been to our house and bought the children who are/ were living with them at the time. It was actually really interesting the first time they came as our children were offering them drinks, getting biscuits out etc and it made us all realise they saw this as their home and the foster parents as visitors. We gave been to their house too as the children like to see their old bedroom. However we are quite a few years further in than you.

I’d caution you to think about whose needs you’re meeting.

You say “I don't want to jeapordise that but I would really like to see his foster mum again! It would just be her + the new baby she is fostering”. I’d be thinking honestly about why you want to see her, and whether it benefits your little one and how. Tbh that does sound like a lot of contact with foster carers over 6 months, how do you see things going in the medium to longer term - I’d usually expect to see contact reduce over time as you settle into being a family. What names it important to meet her at your home? I’d be thinking about whether I’m hoping she’ll see you as a competent mum, hoping she’ll think you’re providing a nice home etc - or assuring yourself that it was right he move to you (am I right in thinking you felt he would be better with foster carers at one point)?

Ultimately you know your child and, to put it bluntly, if it does prove destabilising for him you’re the one that will need to cope with that. I didn’t keep contact with foster carers for very good reason, but I’m not opposed to it but be clear about why you want this level of contact with someone who, in the grand scheme of things, has cared for your child for a relatively short period of time.

I meant to say, those aren’t questions for you to answer here - more to help you think through your decision making.

I guess it is a lot of contact, it was encouraged by our social workers and I haven't questioned it really until now. He was very attached to them and we haven't had problems after meeting them so far, in fact it seemed to help settle him in at home. In the long term we plan for them to be like honorary auntie and uncle. But the reason I was considering meeting at home is because of the pandemic and cases of Covid rising again, otherwise I'd never consider it at this stage, but @Patchyman1 your experience is encouraging. However I've suggested meeting outdoors at a restaurant with garden seating instead.

I really do think you need to look at it very firmly from the position of what you think is best for your child. Every one on us on this board has had different experiences with foster carers. We have a great relationship with ours which includes our child having day trips with them including a meal at their house. There would be few people on the board countenancing such an approach but it works and we are all very happy with it. So, do not try to second guess what you should do. Do what feels right for you and your child.