AIBU to expect an adoption counselling session to include some counselling?

[OpeningACanOfWorms]

I am currently in the process of trying to find some information out about my background. I have established that the adoption agency has some of my records but, rather than go to London to discuss them, I am using an agency as an 'intermediary' nearer to my home.

I have just returned from the initial 'counselling' session. It lasted a maximum of 10 minutes and was just a form filling exercise. There was no discussion about my feelings or expectations, how it may affect my relationship with my adoptive family, etc, etc.

AIBU to expect to be dealt with on a 'personal level' rather than like somebody applying for a loan at a bank?!

I think I am going to email the agency to say I don't want to deal with this particular counsellor as I can't imagine feeling comfortable if she has to tell me any distressing information (likely from the various bits I have gleaned about my past). Do you think all counsellors would be the same? Is the initial session a form filling exercise or a counselling session?

Ask to see someone else if you're not comfortable with that counsellor. She may have felt that it wasn't appropriate to get too 'heavy' at this early stage, but I would still have expected some sort of getting-to-know you session.

I've just finished the training part of my second application to adopt (we have a gorgeous ds already) and the trainers briefly spoke about their experiences helping adult adoptees and it didn't sound anything like what you describe.

I think it is important to have some sort of trust and connection with the person going through your file with you, so I hope that you are put in touch with someone kinder.

I don't know how old you are, but don't forget that what's written in your file is part fact but also partly influenced by the prejudices and influences of the times and the individual social workers who wrote it. Hopefully it won't be as bad as you fear, but also it's only a perspective on what atually went on.

I'm a SW but never had experience of adoption work; however, even if the first session IS supposed to be just form filling, I would have expected that basic courtesy and a minimum of sensitivity, would have meant that the person seeing you would have shown some empathy of the huge step you're taking; and also that they would have given you an idea of how many times they might see you and what might be discussed.

It doesn't sound great.

If this was me I'd ring them and say that now you're home, you feel a bit deflated by the way it was dealt with, and can someone please give you more of an idea how they will help you.

Very best of luck with it all.

I do agree that it's important to remember that what's written on files is only one view of what went on.

Thank you both for responding. I am glad that you don't seem to think my expectations were too high. There was no acknowledgment that I was taking a big step into the unknown. I probably appeared quite 'together' but there was no 'probing' or 'counselling type' questions.

I'm hoping to fill in the gap between my birth and adoption re medical issues as I have lots of scarring and have obviously had major surgery but no idea why. Adoptive parents now dead. Have just been diagnosed with epilepsy which consultant said may be linked to head injuries - hence not thinking the news I'll get (if any) will be that good!

Oh I'm sorry to hear that your adoptive parents are dead. I hope you have someone to support you through this - must be so hard if on your own!

I can't imagine how weird it must be to have physical stuff about you that you don't know anything about!

I hope you find it's a useful process anyway; it's often better to just KNOW, isn't it, even if it's not all good news.

x

Well this must have really been on my mind because I have tossed and turned all night, eventually getting up at 4am!

I have just sent an e-mail to the agency asking if somebody else can take on my case. I've outlined what happened and that I felt quite 'let down' by the whole experience but also emphasising how bad the implications would have been if I hadn't been quite 'together' about what I was doing.

I spoke to a friend last night who is a counsellor and she said that ignoring comments made by clients almost invalidates them and this is how I felt after the session.

Hopefully the agency will still want to handle my case or I'll have to go to London to the original adoption agency. Actually, London, on my own, no kids, not having to go to Rainforest Cafe and Hamleys - doesn't sound too bad after all

and I could meet you for coffee!

Hope it goes better from here on in.