Adoption agencies

[PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlower]

Hello, newbie to this forum. My husband and I have been doing home study with a social worker from our local authority. As the weeks have passed, it’s become clear that we have different views to her on several areas. We are unlikely to be recommended by her as suitable to adopt - and so were thinking of applying to different agencies.

For those of you who applied to an agency that wasn’t your local authority, how did you choose which one? How does it work with home study groups and information days, if it’s not local - especially with Covid-19? And would we have to start from the very beginning?

Also, a big reason cited by our SW was that we already have birth children (school age) - and that this is the commonest reason for adoption breakdown. Would other SWs automatically think this too?

Hi, sorry that youre having a hard time. We are going to approval panel on Friday. We have an almost 4yr old birth child. Our social worker discussed that birth children can sometimes be a factor in adoption breakdowns but it was also seen as a massive positive in many ways. It was by no means ever suggested that having a birth child was a problem.

Hope that helps

Hi, I haven't got birth children but know of plenty of people who did, and then adopted. Your situation and what you can offer a child should be looked at as a whole.
This was in no way recent, but I changed agency (and I'm so glad I did!). The forms for the next agency asked me to declare whether I had previously applied to adopt anywhere else but yes I did have to start again. Long before Covid, I just had to travel further for meetings etc so that was fine.

@Fakinit03

Hi, sorry that youre having a hard time. We are going to approval panel on Friday. We have an almost 4yr old birth child. Our social worker discussed that birth children can sometimes be a factor in adoption breakdowns but it was also seen as a massive positive in many ways. It was by no means ever suggested that having a birth child was a problem.

Hope that helps

Thanks for the quick response. That’s interesting - what positives did your SW give for you already having a birth child? Our SW said she had seen some unpleasant breakdowns with birth children, and felt this put us at high risk of the same.

@Weekends

Hi, I haven't got birth children but know of plenty of people who did, and then adopted. Your situation and what you can offer a child should be looked at as a whole. This was in no way recent, but I changed agency (and I'm so glad I did!). The forms for the next agency asked me to declare whether I had previously applied to adopt anywhere else but yes I did have to start again. Long before Covid, I just had to travel further for meetings etc so that was fine.

Did you feel that that went against you at all, changing agencies? I’m worried it might be seen as a negative. Also, how did you choose your 2nd agency? I’ve been googling, and it’s hard to know which one(s) to contact - and which may take us on, if we don’t live nearby.

No not at all! I had a lovely SW though. It was mentioned in my PAR (including the reason - I wasn't happy with previous agency) but not as a negative I don't think. I just went to several initial meetings until I found one I was happy with to not make the same mistake again, though not sure what I would have done If I hadn't struck lucky. I didn't have to declare those conversations as I didn't actually apply with them, only the one I had actually applied with. No harm in asking if they will take you on If you're anything up to an hour from them. Good luck!

Loads of people adopt with kids. You need to be a bit more careful with matching and think carefully about the potential impact on your existing children, but it certainly isn't a hard barrier.

Have they told you that they are going to recommend you don't proceed?

You can't be turned down for having different views to a SW, so it's very difficult to give useful advice without knowing the cause.

Some issues will vary by agency and often a VA can be more flexible than an LA. OTOH if you are ignoring experience and advice which is standard then moving agency won't help at all.

You won't be penalised for switching but there is no point going through all this again unless it's to your benefit. There are a number of things you should do first depending on the details of the problem.

Feel free to PM me if your really feel you can't say more on here, but you will get good advice on this forum.

@donquixotedelamancha

Loads of people adopt with kids. You need to be a bit more careful with matching and think carefully about the potential impact on your existing children, but it certainly isn't a hard barrier.

Have they told you that they are going to recommend you don't proceed?

You can't be turned down for having different views to a SW, so it's very difficult to give useful advice without knowing the cause.

Some issues will vary by agency and often a VA can be more flexible than an LA. OTOH if you are ignoring experience and advice which is standard then moving agency won't help at all.

You won't be penalised for switching but there is no point going through all this again unless it's to your benefit. There are a number of things you should do first depending on the details of the problem.

Feel free to PM me if your really feel you can't say more on here, but you will get good advice on this forum.

Thanks for that comprehensive and useful reply. I don’t want to give too much information here, as it is outing. We’ve spoken with various people and none of them can understand our SW’s point of view either. Very loosely, we have no/limited contact with various family members on both sides - think time in prison for offences relating to children on one side, and other abusive reasons on the other side. We don’t feel we can expose our children to the first individual and their partner (partner is one of our 1st degree relatives). We see this as keeping them safe, whereas our SW feels this shows we can’t maintain and repair important relationships. We do have a good relationship with various other family members, but as they don’t live nearby, tend to rely on friends - of which we have an extensive support network - to help if needed. Our SW says that most support comes from birth families, and ours are not supportive - and we can’t rely on friends. I’ve a chronic health condition which is stable - the medical adviser and my medical team are happy for me to adopt, but our SW feels that it’s too risky. I manage to lead a pretty normal life, and cope well with our children.

Thanks Weekends - that’s useful to hear too.

Oh, and yes - they don’t think we should proceed.

On the face of it, that does sound odd. No agency would touch you if you had contact with a convicted child abuser.

Difficult family history can often be turned into a positive in the PAR- showing your strength and your understanding of the issues adopted kids face.

I was going to suggest speaking to their manager, but honestly I think you are better off just finding another agency. It could be an arsey SW, it could just be that the LA are only interested in cherry picking easy to match adopters. Either way you don't want to push through and end up trying to match with a half hearted PAR. You want an agency that understands and sells your strengths and addresses your weaknesses.

You want an agency with ofsted good or outstanding (it means a limited amount but don't touch less). You want somewhere with good post adoption support. You want somewhere fairly close so you don't need to travel too far for meetings but it can be good (if it's an LA) not to go with your local one if it's small because you don't want to be too close to BPs.

Ideally you want to talk to adopters who have used the agency and get a warts and all view- the agency should be able to sort that. A VA may work a little harder for you in matching but may struggle if you want a healthy baby- all that varies a lot, really you just want a good agency. I would pick the best 3 on paper nearby and talk to them.

You should also really ask yourself some hard questions about whether the SW has a point (even if their conclusions are wrong) and what you can do to improve your support network or heal some relationships (if that's what you want). They aren't wrong that friends are not the same as family in terms of support with kids and that adoption can sometimes get very hard (whereas I'm sure your other kids were a doddle :-)

Finally, my advice presumes you are in Englandandwales. If not you may have fewer options.

Sorry, NC fail. The above is me.

I think any agency will ask similar questions including about you, your relationships and how this has affected you , as they are assessing your suitability to adopt, and you may disagree, find it challenging or emotional at times. As others have said, the way you cope with difficulties in your life can be a strength. Your SW has to advocate for you to others, so it’s reasonable that you and your SW will come up with a plan for how to address or talk about weaknesses for your panel (and during matching).
I don’t think any SW would suggest maintaining or repairing relationships with people who may be a risk to children if they have abused or have offences related to children. This suggests serious misunderstanding on your SW or your sides.Are you sure they weren’t talking about how you respond, your feelings, to these experiences ? I would ask for a meeting with your SW and her manager to understand her concerns and try and work together to come up with a plan. This would help with explaining to other agencies why you left them, if you do. If this meeting fails then you could then consider another agency who could support you more positively.

It’s a complicated situation. The man is my MIL’s long-standing partner. We decided to not have any contact with MIL either, as she feels he is misunderstood. Several other members of my husband’s family have also gone NC with her, as she can be quite mean and hurtful. It wasn’t a particularly positive relationship with her beforehand - she could be unpleasant to us too. If this man wasn’t on the scene, we would have maintained contact, as long as she was nice to our children. It’s complicated by my SIL living with her Mum - SIL has never worked, and is dependent on MIL. So this has meant we are also NC with SIL - not by choice - we’ve said she’s welcome in our home, have written, and bought her her own mobile phone (which she doesn’t use). We’re sad to not have contact with SIL, but respect her decision - MIL would not react positively if she knew SIL had spoken to us. My husband had a very happy childhood (MIL was nice back then) and our SW can’t understand why he would abandon MIL. She feels that he could maintain some sort of relationship with MIL and SIL - but we’re not keen to have contact with MIL whilst she’s with this man - especially as she feels he’s just misunderstood. Maybe when the kids are older - but not now.

@PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlower

I think this shows up one of the most infuriating things about the adoption process, just how the prejudices of individual SWs can impact negatively on prospective adopters.
To cut a very long story short, I was withdrawn from panel with two weeks to go by my first SW. We never really hit it off but I believe the fundamental issue was that she did support adoption by single people.
I went elsewhere.
My thoughts on your situation are
whilst she is right to discuss the risks associated with adopting with birth children, her job is to make you aware, ensure you understand the risk and recommend on that basis.
But lots of people with birth children adopt so if she has a fundamental issue with that then you have a problem
The issue with the family members is very odd. From what you have described the decisions you have made about your family members seems utterly sensible.
Again she is right to discuss it with you, but given the reasons behind it I would have expected the focus of the discussion to be different.
Again SWs should be used to dealing with families with complex relationships.
At the time of my assessment I had not seen my father for 20'years, my new lovely SW really struggled with this on a personal level but accepted my reasons. He then upped and died in the middle of matching, lots of raised eyebrows about me not going to the funeral but again my reasons were respected.

In your position I would seek a review with the SW and her supervisor. That should give you a good indication of how far the agency will support you over the SW. This is what I did and it showed me very clearly that it was pointless carrying on. So I walked.

If you decide to look elsewhere be totally honest with any new agency, explain what the issues where, what you did to try and resolve your differences and why you feel there is no future with the original agency. If they share the same views that should become apparent.
My only regret in the adoption process is not moving agencies sooner, it wasted a lot of time and caused a lot of additional stress which you just don't need.
Good luck

Thank-you @Ted27 - that’s really useful to hear. We do like our SW and get on (which makes this even harder) - but we just can’t see eye to on on these big issues. I’m encouraged by your new SW being ok with you being NC with your father (sorry to hear about that - it all sounds very difficult and stressful).

We’ve already met with our SW’s manager, who also holds the same views, so I doubt we’ll be able to move forward from here.

Have any of you gone with/known anyone who has gone with an agency not immediately close to them? I’ve been recommended an agency which is several hours away - but they are using Zoom. I’ve written to them anyway, outlining all our issues (subjective and objective) - and will wait to hear from them.

Also, how do they decide which children get looked after by the LA and which by a VA? Is there a set process?

@PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlower

in that case I would move on

about the children - all children are the legal responsibilty of their local authority. LAs will try and place their children with their own adopters, at least initially.

However there will always be children for whom familes cannot be found locally, or for whom security considerations mean they need to be placed out of county.

If you are approved by a voluntary agency, it will look at the children waiting nationally, either via Adoption link, their local consortium if they are part of one, and whatever communication methods they have with LAs ( there used to be a national register which I think is no more)

Thanks @ted27 - that’s really helpful. So does that mean that we would potentially “see” more children looking to be placed if we went with a VA, rather than our LA? I’ve read that children placed via a VA are more likely to have additional needs - do you know if that’s true? Not that that would necessarily be a barrier to my husband and I, but we need to think of our existing children, and how this would affect them too.

@PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlower

I was approved by a voluntary agency.

you have hit on an age old debate about 'easy to place' and 'hard to place' children.

This is my take on it - other views may be available!

Many people assume that the younger a child is at adoption, less exposure to trauma etc etc. Hence the pursuit of the healthy baby and why these children are always 'easy to place' and are probably most often placed within the LA.

Then there are the complicating factors.

The older a child gets the 'harder' they are to place, black, Asian and mixed race children are also harder to place, as are boys and sibling groups. These are the children who will probably find their way to Adoption Link. These will always be children who need to be placed out of county - again harder to place.

None of these factors make a child inherently harder to parent,
So if you take my son. He ticked every hard to place box going, male, age 7, mixed race. He is now 16, earned a decent set of GCSEs, started college yesterday, has lots of friends and is in many ways a fairly average, stinky, stroppy teenager.

He also happens to have ASD, a learning difficulty, sensory and anxiety issues. He can, and has been very challenging. But compared to some adopted children I know, he's a bit of a dreamboat.
And that includes some who fell into the healthy baby category.

All adoption is a risk. The younger the child the less you know. With older children you have more information. You decide what you are prepared to risk.
With my son, I knew exactly what I was getting, doesnt make it easier, but I was prepared and knew what to expect. Nothing that's happened has been particularly surprising.
Most adopted children will have some additional needs, some way more than others, but you can't predict those needs. Its often not until a child starts school or nursery that difficulties become apparent.

That's a very roundabout way of trying to answer your question.
You are absolutely right to consider your existing children.
But its not as straightforward as saying that children placed via a VA is more likely to have additional needs.
Personally, at this stage I would go with an agency that wants to work with you, who you trust and where you feel supported and comfortable, rather than focusing on where the children might be

Thanks @Ted27. I agree, younger doesn’t automatically mean less issues. With an older child, you do have more insight into any issues/conditions they might have. We’ve done a fair bit of work on that, at the LA information days, and home study. I was just curious as to how VAs worked, as we only know about the LA route. Thanks for the info.

Your son is a lucky boy to have you as a parent - he sounds like he’s doing really well. You must be very proud.