Gifts and nic naks from birth parents

[Teacher12345]

When they gave us DD's things during intro's, some of the things were jewellery and a picture.
We put it all in her memory box along with her first shoes, life story book etc. Occasionally we go through it and have a look and a chat. Often, they lead to her getting very upset. She is about to turn 5 and just cries whenever we mention adoption.
Me and DH were talking about it and we aren't really comfortable with her wearing the jewellery. One piece is a silver baby band , the other is a locket with a picture of her BF in it (and he hasn't even written a letter in the last 4 years). We also have issues with the picture which is of an uncle and his girlfriend with a message on the back saying they hope she will go looking for them when she is old enough! If it was from a parent I wouldn't mind. But from an uncle and his GF? She was in care from 3 weeks so no kind of relationship with them.

We feel it is inappropriate in so many ways, but these are her belongings and it would be unfair to remove these things entirely. Would you remove them from the box and put them somewhere safe until she is old enough? But when is old enough for a young girl to receive a letter emotionally blackmailing her into going searching for them?

I would (and have for my DS who is the same age) split the memory box into two - the things that are appropriate for her to look through while she is little and those that are upsetting or in any way inappropriate. Put those away and don't bring them out until she has the maturity to deal with them. I would also encourage her to have the bracelet as a keepsake rather than something she can choose to wear every day. DS's memory box things come out of the box to look at and then go back in the box.

DS has a letter from BM which is really emotionally charged and talks about him finding her. I have never read him the letter. It is in no way appropriate for a child his age so it's been put away for some undefined point in the future.

Thanks. I think I will do that. I want to re-do her life story book so could put her old one in a box with the other stuff too. It has way too much info in it. It is 36 pages long!

Does she initiate going through it or do you?

She initiates. Then gets upset when we mention the bits related to adoption. There are other things like the dress she wore on her 1st birthday etc that she is okay with.

AD4 has never worn any of the jewellery she was given simply because if it breaks we cannot replace it. We have several memory boxes and she's only interested in the stuff that she can play with. I scanned all the photos we were given and printed them into a new simplified version of her life story. They make more sense in this format and it reduces the risk of accidental damage to the originals. Also if she does damage the originals, at least they are not completely destroyed forever. We don't sit down and talk about her life story specially but I do weave it into our everyday lives.

I’ve done the same, some things have been separated out and my D.C. know they are there but not for everyday wear/play.

It’s worth trying to help her verbalise what makes her upset talking about adoption - as she gets older her understanding of her story will change and her emotions will change too. It’s natural to be upset about difficult parts of her story - the more you’re able to give her space to express those feelings the more emotionally equipped she’ll be. Her getting very upset isn’t necessarily a bad thing, though it’s hard to be with.

In terms of how old? I think once she’s able to ask questions and understand relationships and some of the dynamics at play. I’ve got some difficult conversations to have with both mine at some point, I’ll know the time is right by the questions they ask and the way they understand the parts of their story they already know.

Thanks @Jellycatspyjamas The crying at this point doesn't concern me too much and emotionally I think she is too young to verbalise it. I have tried and she just comes out with things like "I want a new family" "I don't want this family forever".
I am just going to keep the channels open but not go on about the adoption.

I want a new family" "I don't want this family forever".

Ouch, that can feel very sore for parents, my DS was a bit like that, and asking what his next new family would be like, when his last day with us would be, wanting to go back to foster carers etc. I think they’re sometimes just too small to understand the concept of being in a family forever when that’s not been their experience - the idea that you just get given a family is pretty odd in the best of circumstances. We talk about adoption when it comes up, very child led letting them initiate discussions. We’ll be more purposeful as they get older but just now we’re pretty light touch.

@Jellycatspyjamas it can be hard but I get that she is so little and in her mind, when we explain how she moved from birth parents to FP to us, it sounds like you get to move between families often. I can see why it would be confusing.
It was poor DS that got the worst of it when she said she didn't want him in her family. He has been nothing but accepting of her since day one so was very hurt.

OP i think that the crying and what she says about adoption is by far and away the most important aspect of this. Other adopters have said they found good professional input in relation to lifestory work helpful and it sounds as though your little girl and you would benefit from this. What you child is verbalising is extremely important, and there are obviously some very powerful feelings which she needs some help with and again some professional input here is important. i don't think that removing the items will help with this and if removing the items serves to bury the emotions, it might well cause problems ahead.

Putting aside items which are inappropriate at the outset is fine, as a pp has said, but your dc has seen the items now for several years, and she is too old for you now to simply remove some of them.

I do agree with the suggestion that you say the jewellery is delicate and you are afraid of it breaking and so for that reason suggest that she does not wear it, but that she can have access to it as she likes - but don't unilaterally impose this, you need to talk to her about it.

The photo of the uncle itself is presumably ok, it is just the comment on the back which is the problem - I assume she has not seen the comment and you haven't read it to her - if you have then that might be part of the problem as it would be a very confusing idea for a young child and again I do think some professional input here is a good idea to help her understand and process. If you have not shown it to her then just show the photo. You have said that the comment was written in an emotionally blackmailing way but you cannot be certain of that, it might have seemed to them to be the right thing to say to let her know how much they'd like to see her. Your child doesn't have the maturity or judgement or context to cope with it now on her own but she could with your help as she grows - you would need to explain to her that what was written was what the uncle felt and it is quite distinct from what she decides to think and feel about it. You can say that you aren't sure why the uncle wrote it but give some examples of why (such as what I have said)but again always explain that it is what she thinks and feels which is important, and if you talk to her regularly about her true thoughts and feelings to help her develop her self awareness and judgement then this will make it easier for her.

Again you can't be sure that the bio family has not written etc because they don't care it may be that they have severe MH difficulties around it or any other myriad of reasons. Rather than second guessing I would just focus on helping your dd.

As a PS in relation to talking to her about thoughts and feelings if you talk to her a lot about her thoughts and feelings about not difficult, not contentious or upsetting subjects, it will make it easier for her to transition to talking about more difficult things as time goes on. She is nearly five and so increasingly from now will be very capable of verbalising.

Incidentally I had some items removed at 5 years which I still remember now - a wooden mirror, some jewellery in the shape of flowers with rubies on it.

It does sound hard for your ds too, I hope that you were able to reassure him.

No adoption experience but something came to me just on the subject of the photo - if she would be aware / upset at the removal of it until she's older and your end decision is to keep it, could you get a small, non-descript frame on the pretence of making sure it doesn't get damaged? That way the photo will be visible but as she gets older & learns to read, etc, the note on the back won't be?