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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.


Do I have any chance at all?

7 replies

Bananaicecream123 · 27/08/2020 17:23

Just after some honest opinions.

When I was 16 I moved to Australia with my dad and left behind my mum, stepdad and brother in the uk. 10 years later after my dad passed away I moved back home to England to look after my mum as she had cancer. Now 4 years later at the age of 30 I have decided to start a family and really wanted to adopt as my mum and dad were both adopted themselves so it was something I always wanted to do.

During my time in Australia I worked as a pre school teacher and nanny so I have a lot of experience with children and a level 3 qualification. On my return here I realised jobs with children didn’t pay enough for me to live on so took an IT sales job.

Here’s my problem. The adoption agency I was looking at want 6 references and since moving home I really haven’t made any friends. I work from home so have minimal contact with colleagues. I have met a lot of people from going to the gym and other hobbies but don’t feel like any of them actually know me very well. My mum or brother could give me a reference as the family one but all my friends are back in Australia.

I know I’ve kind of rambled on a bit here but I am just looking for someone who has been in a similar position or anyone who can offer some advice?

OP posts:
janetmendoza · 27/08/2020 17:33

I do think you have a chance yes, but the agencies do like to to have a support network so although I don't see why you couldn't use a couple of refs from Australia, you should really start if at all possible to build a network here. So can you use a family reference or two, two from Australia and who else can you ask here? A work related one would be good and a friend. Start cultivating a gym person! Good luck. You will already have some insight into what you are considering giver your parents history

Weekends · 27/08/2020 17:39

Hello, and good luck. Banana ice cream is delicious.

I think the best plan is to discuss it with the agency, they will be used to helping people in different circumstances, and being honest with you. I think there are likely to be questions about your future support network when children are placed with you if it's going to be tricky to provide references (though lots of people do find that their support network grows/changes once they adopt - I now count on support from people living close by that I hadn't even met a few years ago, the wonders of the school gate!)

From my experience, my SW spoke in the phone to one of my referees, who I have known since childhood but lives hundreds of miles away and realistically I only see twice a year. I included her in my 'emotional support on the phone' network list rather than my 'who can give me a half hour break/help in an emergency' list.

References/support network could delay you a bit, but I think if you're determined you will get there in the long run. And as well as seeing it as part of the assessment, it could be a really good idea to get to know a few more people in case you need a friend after placement.

Best of luck to you!

Ted27 · 27/08/2020 18:28

Are you sure its 6 ? That's normally what's required for couples, usually 3 for singles. It's worth checking. I also don't see why you couldn't use referees from Australia. Again worth checking.
I think it's more likely your support network that may be an issue.
I know that now you've made the decision you want to get on with it, but at 30 you are still young in adoption terms and it would be worth spending some time developing some friendships.
Many adopters find they need a bit of time to sort something's out before they get going. I'm a single adopter and had to wait a couple of years before I found the right job before I started the process.
good luck

Jellycatspyjamas · 28/08/2020 07:37

I’d check, 6 references is a lot for a single person - we weren’t asked for that many as a couple. You could also contact a different agency because they will all have different requirements.

You’ve got time to build or develop your support network and yes it’s important to differentiate between “will listen and offer emotional support”, “will take laundry and cook for me” and “can lick little one up from school if I’m running late”. In my experience the last group are people you don’t know yet - mums of your friends kids, school gate friends etc.

Good luck.

Hotwaterbottlelove · 28/08/2020 08:57

We are in a similar circumstance to you in that we have only lived in our current area for a few months. We called an agency and were told that references don't need to be from people local to you but do need to be from people who know you well. They pointed out that it wasn't the references that would be a challenge but rather demonstrating we had a good local network. They advised that we concentrate on cultivating that before applying.

Also be aware this they will need do run extra checks on your time out of the country.

dimples76 · 28/08/2020 21:10

I had to provide 6 references as a single adopter - 3 family and 3 friends. 2 of my family and 1 friend are local and the others at some distance away. I think that it would be fine to have 1 or 2 Australian referees because they will have known you for longer and can also provide emotional support and advice. But you do also need to show that you have local support. I think that you need to think quite broadly and creatively about who you can get support from.

user1479136681 · 02/09/2020 20:47

You do have a chance, but they really do like the support network so I'd advise starting to build one if you can... it really is needed!

We're in a similar(ish) position in that our family all live hundreds of miles away across the country and most of our friends are scattered around. We asked 2 local friends for references. When making the support map I included my friends living abroad as emotional support and they really have been invaluable so it was worth including them. We were questioned a lot about our support network especially because it was considered that local friends would be less likely to help out than family. That might not be a problem for you if your mum is nearby.

Since placement we have really missed having our family around, especially parents. We have also had to rely on our local friends more than once (in one event when my wife needed to go to A&E and a friend had to take her!! Another time when my car broke down and my wife couldn't help as she was at home with the toddler so the same friend helped me then! The kind of situations you don't expect to have but where you really need someone nearby). We have regular playdates with another friend.

But ALSO the friends we made through adoption and training have been absolutely invaluable. Your support network isn't static but you might have to find yourself pressing that issue with your SW.

So I think

  • acknowlege your friends in Australia as important emotional support

  • Whilst also building up your local support network

  • Say you are building your network and would like to make friends with adopters too

    With your motivation and background I think this certainly shouldn't stop you.
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