Wanting to run away...

[Perichoresis]

Good afternoon

My adopted child is nearly 9, and has been with us for nearly 8 years. I have grown up biological children from a previous marriage.

I've never joined any forum/group until this week, but I suddenly feel out of my depth, and would welcome insight/advice please...

The last month has been difficult for us as a family, and in particular the last few days have brought us to a crisis.

Since the weekend, my daughter has been argumentative, confrontational, irritable and highly emotional. This is very unusual behaviour for her, as she's normally gregarious, joyful, and happy...

I was eventually able to get her to sit down, and gently coax her into sharing her feelings. In precis, she said:

"I am confused, and sad, and want to spend some time away from you..."

She's never expressed anything of this kind before, and it was utterly heart-breaking/devastating (which I, of course, didn't fully express to her). She went on to say, "All I do is cause problems, so it'd be better if I went away..."

I fully realise these are exceptional times for us all, but this is such unprecedented behaviour for her, I wanted to reach out in a forum, to hear other people's thoughts/perspectives.

Thank you, in advance, for taking the time to reflect on, and respond to this...

What has your wife said in response to this?

All I do is cause problems, so it'd be better if I went away..."

How does she understand her life story? My DS has an underlying narrative that he was bad which is why his birth mum didn’t want him. It’s utterly untrue, of course, and we work with him on it but it means setting boundaries and discipline is difficult because he goes to that place of “I’m bad and you’ll find me a new family”.

It may be at 9 she’s starting to question or have a different understanding of what adoption is and how she came to be adopted. Add in the usual boundary pushing that comes with being 9 and there’s lots of scope for her to feel like she causes problems. Is she back at school (we’ve been back for two weeks), could something have happened there or in her friendship group, has she watched movies that have involved adoption or has something happened to make her think she causes problems?

In any event, if she feels like she’s a problem it’ll trickle out in her behaviour. I’d be extra reassuring, picking my battles re behaviour and giving her lots of space at home. I’d also create “no pressure” opportunities to talk - things like doing chores together so she can talk if she wants to but not in a face to face “serious talk” type way.

When you say things have been challenging, have they been challenging with her or more generally (money, work, family).

@JinglingHellsBells
👍🏼

@Jellycatspyjamas

All I do is cause problems, so it'd be better if I went away..."

How does she understand her life story? My DS has an underlying narrative that he was bad which is why his birth mum didn’t want him. It’s utterly untrue, of course, and we work with him on it but it means setting boundaries and discipline is difficult because he goes to that place of “I’m bad and you’ll find me a new family”.

It may be at 9 she’s starting to question or have a different understanding of what adoption is and how she came to be adopted. Add in the usual boundary pushing that comes with being 9 and there’s lots of scope for her to feel like she causes problems. Is she back at school (we’ve been back for two weeks), could something have happened there or in her friendship group, has she watched movies that have involved adoption or has something happened to make her think she causes problems?

In any event, if she feels like she’s a problem it’ll trickle out in her behaviour. I’d be extra reassuring, picking my battles re behaviour and giving her lots of space at home. I’d also create “no pressure” opportunities to talk - things like doing chores together so she can talk if she wants to but not in a face to face “serious talk” type way.

When you say things have been challenging, have they been challenging with her or more generally (money, work, family).

Thanks very much for taking the time to respond.

I found myself nodding along to your comments, and it's given me some things to think about.

She goes back to school next week, and is really looking forward to it, as she adores routine.

Ha! Choosing our battles is such a key theme, and one we try to take care over.

A sudden change in behaviour recently may well be to do with an event, something that has happened recently or is happening at the moment.

The "I need to get away" is a reaction.

Incidentally, when you asked "Where do you think you should go?" what did she say?

When you reassured her you wanted her to stay and that you would look after her what did she say?

Do you feel you know her well, can you try to second guess what she is feeling and what has prompted it?

The comments about "what does your wife say?" - do you have a posting history?