Been approached for a 3 1/2 and an 18 month old ...

[Lairyfights]

Does anyone have any experience of adopting these ages? Particularly the 3 1/2 year old. We were approved to adopt siblings but I always said I’d want to adopt as young as possible. The profile of the siblings just really click with me and my husband (can’t really explain why but we had big smiles that we haven’t had with others!) but I have worries about adopting when they’re a little older. Mainly about how a 3 1/2 year old would settle in, learn to love us etc.

Any stories welcome please!

If you want siblings you might have to deal with one being 'older'

A lot of the therapists I have spoken to have mentioned after 2 is when you need to do a lot of work with attachment so maybe ask your SW if they can help in this regard

three and a half is still very young, lots of people adopt children that age.
My son was nearly eight, he settled in just fine and he loves his poor old mum.
All ages bring their own issues and challenges, finding out more does not committ you - go for it

I adopted my two at 3.5 and 2.5. They have both settled and are amazing kids. 3.5 is a lovely age, they are mobile and their personalities have developed, everything is a wonder to them and they can be good fun! Of course there will be some trauma and issues and all children are very different (I know all the positives about the age I have mentioned sound a little flippant and we did have some anxiety/food/control issues). Our youngest actually took a little more time to trust us and settle. 3.5 is still very young, especially children that have been through so much. Our two were both still in nappies and still very babyish, they also liked to be spoon fed and rocked which all helped them to settle and trust us, so it felt as if they were much younger than they were. I think we got the best of both worlds (we experienced having to nurture them like babies and got the fun family days out).

Our first two came home at 2.10 years and 14 months so not too dissimilar ages. They are both wonderful and have settled so well I often forget they're not biologically ours. Yes more work went into building trust with our oldest but she does trust and love us. Of course it completely depends on their needs and what they've been through as to how they will adjust and what they will need but 3 was a lovely age and still so so young. She remembers everything and has a very strong connection to her birth story / family. Whereas my youngest doesn't remember anything. So for me it's about how you feel you are able to cope with that. I'm happy to do life story work and our daughter is happy and healthy but it will always be something she remembers rather than a story that we weave into her subconscious. I think that's the biggest difference for the ages you are considering. But certainly not too late to be able to have a lovely happy forever family life together.

I lost my dad at 5 and I don't recall anything about life before that. At 3.5, they're still so young. Definitely young enough for them to settle, feel loved and become part of your family.
Good luck :)

My DS was 4 when he was placed with us - it’s a really lovely age and stage. Also remember that they are likely to present as much younger than their chronological age, might need a lot of babying etc. They both will need all of your time, for quite a long time. I’d be careful about thinking they won’t remember - my DS is much more able to talk about his life story than my DD and is more secure in his attachment style. Do you know if they’ve had more than one foster placement because that can be difficult in terms of moving them again. Now I’d also expect to see regression in things like eating and toiletting, and possibly the loss of some skills eg mark making, number/colour recognition.

I’d be looking now at deferring entry to school (which I know is controversial in England, but would almost be automatic in Scotland). An extra year in nursery/pre-school will massively help them in cementing early learning blocks and support formal learning. I deferred my DS start so he’s one of the oldest in his class but it stands him in good stead emotionally.

Ours were 1.5 and 2.5 when they came to us and to be honest the logistics were a nightmare! If the 2.5 had been older from a practical point of view, we could have not had to lug the double buggy everywhere but could have had single with buggy board or one walking. Getting them in the car was harder but by 3.5 I could trust oldest one a bit more to stand by car whilst getting youngest in etc. And shopping with 2 in a trolley, don't get me started! I would say now years later the eldest settled with us easier than the youngest!

Thank you so much for all your messages! I’m reading them feeling so much more positive! We’ve really clicked with the profile and I hated having the conflicting thoughts! Their social worker now has our PAR so I guess it’s just a waiting game! Please continue to share your stories! We’re finding them so helpful!

3.5 is still v. young (ours were 8 and 2.5). You would still get a whole year before starting school (dependent on placing date and if you defer for a term).
However going from zero to two pre-schoolers will be full on.

Best wishes whatever you decide.

Those were exactly the ages of our boys when we adopted them. Similar to you, we also wanted to adopt a child as young as possible. However, if we were to adopt now, our preferred age would be 3-4 years old since we think this is the perfect age for us. When we first adopted them we thought that we were going to face more challenges with our older child - but we were so wrong! Our 3.5 year old settled really quickly and really well. It’s as if we were always meant to be a family. I think in part, this has to do with his ability to communicate with us right from the start and being able to understand his situation better. However, we faced challenges with our youngest one who was 18 months when we adopted him. A key challenge which all parents face are the regular temper tantrums and meltdowns, which have started to decrease in frequency and severity when he turned 3 years old (in part due to his improved communication skills). I think if we had adopted two children below 3 years it would have been really really difficult. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that sometimes we enter the adoption process with some misconceptions regarding age and we change our mind once adopt. Again, if I were to adopt again my target age would be 3-4 years old. :)

I agree with the previous poster - I think 3-4 is a much easier age than pre verbal. Of course, every child is different and it will depend on their background and how long they have spent in foster care, but our son was 2 and a half at placement with speech delay and it was very difficult. A year down the line, he can communicate a lot better and is beginning to be able to express his feelings.

I adopted a two year old and a four-year-old. In some ways it was easier with a four-year-old as she was able to articulate how she was feeling. My two-year-old took a lead from her sister. I am a single adopter and it was very very hard work for a long long time having to juggle their different needs. But they are my children and I love them and in the main I would say we have a lovely life together.

Our two were exactly these ages. PM me if you still want thoughts. 😀

I adopted my LO at nearly 5. Now in the juniors at school she is still little and lovely - and best of all she's my little lovely! So many firsts (challenges too) but lots of lovely love and young experiences. No regrets about age - best of luck!