Dogs and children

[Bouncydoog]

We are exploring potential matches to adopt a child, toddler age or older. As a couple we love the outdoors and this includes with our two dogs. When we are out on walks and we meet children or our friends kids, some want to pet the dogs and some are scared. So when we are considering potential matches we are only looking at children who live with dogs with the foster carers or in birth family so they are used to pets. We are in discussions with a SW and all looks positive, except she said the child is not interested in the FC dogs. I guess I had in my mind a match with the child who likes animals. I don’t know if I’m getting caught up in this pointlessly and.over stressing or if it is even an issue. Has anyone adopted with dogs and what is the dogs relationship with your kids? Did it change over time?

We had two dogs when my son joined our family. He lived with dogs in birth family and foster care so was comfortable around them. For me, that was enough. As long as there was no history of the child being violent to animals or scared of dogs then that was fine. There is so many different things to consider in matching. I think to specifically want a love of dogs, might do too specific especially if your considering such a young child (toddler). Look at the child as a whole, can you meet her or his needs?

When we adopted we had two dogs, our LO was 7 months old when he came home. He wasn't interested in them at all, and even for the following year he had no interest. One was not interested and would leave the room if LO got too close, but the other would sit next to him and let him climb all over his back! He could have also left the room but didn't, and purposely would lay where LO would be.
They both unfortunately then died within 6 months of each other (they were old - 13 and 12 years old).
Even now (he's almost 3) he's got no interest really in dogs. He's fine around them but would rather play with a dinosaur or motorbike! ☺
I don't think you should discount a child because they haven't been around dogs. Our LO hadn't but was fine with ours. I think children pick up on the adults fear of animals, and if you don't have that your child won't.

Another thing to bear in mind is that babies/toddlers don't understand how rough they can be, and our LO would grab the fur of one of our dogs and not let go. Not intentionally to hurt her but because he didn't know it was wrong. She would yelp but never bite him or anything, but you also need to be completely in control and never leave the child alone with the dogs. We could be sat next to our LO and the dogs and super quick he would reach out and grab the fur.

Thanks for your replies.
@121Sarah121 we have met with the child’s SW and discussed the child as a whole and she believes we can meet their needs. As you say there are so many different things to consider and so many unknowns. I’m not feeling that feeling that adopters on here report of knowing the match is the one, so I’m trying to work out if what’s niggling me is normal.
@heycorona thank you for sharing your experiences. It’s worth remembering how strong little kids can be! We will keep them supervised at all times.

I didn’t have that overwhelming ‘he’s the one!!!’ when our LO was placed, and even after he’d been placed for a couple of weeks I actually struggled to get any bond. But my OH was supportive and I got through it, spent time with him, put myself in his shoes etc and now I love him to bits and would die for him.

The dog who would be grabbed was a rescue, she’d been with us for 10 years but was previously a ‘street dog’ so we were worried she might snap, but when he grabbed her and wouldn’t let go she didn’t ever bite him. She could also move away from him (before any grabbing happened!) but didn’t.

I think you have to accept that any child (inc birth children) are their own people.

I have 2 DS - same father - one loves my dog and won't leave her alone, the other would be quite happy if we didn't have a dog, he pretty much ignores her.

I guess we all have our projections onto our children and hopes/ambitions for them - but not being dog crazy is perfectly acceptable IMO.

I actually would prefer my DS (the one who loves dogs) to love my dog less, as he can be too in her face and she has to put up with a lot of mauling. She tolerates it, I'm not sure how much she likes it, but it makes me cringe and I feel I have to be watching them both like a hawk for signs of the dogs distress/discomfort.

With that in mind, I think this sounds like a good thing in your case.

I wouldn't worry too much. We have a lovely child friendly dog and our 2yo old DS who had bever lived with pets was initially not interested in him at all. At first he ignored him or lashed out when frustrated or 'treated' to a bug slobbery kiss (kind hands!). He seemed unsure of what our dog's role in the family was and there was also some jealousy as our dog who is quite big sometimes likes to sit on our lap and so DS pushed him away. Over time our DS has grown to love our dog and we've never had any real issues.
Patience and a lot of praise.

I think you're putting a bit too much importance on it. Do you trust your dogs to be patient and tolerant of a child? If so they will be so with any child. If not you should be seriously considering whether it is feasible to introduce any child to them. All young children will tug and rough play with your animals and of course you have to teach them not to do this but you can never fully trust them not to have an off moment so you need to know within reason that this pet won't seriously hurt them if it happens. The other issue (which seems to be your bigger concern) is having a child who will actually like the dogs. Young children change their minds about what they like or don't like as often as they change their underwear . A young child/baby who's shown no interest in pets might suddenly develop this interest especially if placed into a household with them. Similarly a baby who's had pets in their house might be really excited at having pets in the FCs house and be described to love them and then might suddenly lose interest and just see them as part of the furniture by the time they're placed with you. My own 2YO goes through phases with our cats. Sometimes she's really excitable with them and other times she couldn't give a crap that they're there tbh because she's that used to them now. In my experience though most young kids do enjoy animals on some level unless they're at that severe end of the spectrum where they're unusually hostile/cruel to animals. This can be an issue in children with attachment disorder so I'd probably just rule out any child showing any of these traits. I think most children would learn to tolerate your dogs at the very least though so I wouldn't worry too much. Good luck.

Thank you for your messages.
@sallyshirt spot on with your points, thanks.
@hiyafelicia your experience is what I would hope for.
@Jannt86 no one can be 100% about a dog to be tolerant but we have made every attempt to socialise them around kids. It’s not perfect, but we have what we have. We are attempting to match with a child who is used to dogs to try and minimise potential problems (we are not looking at babies).It’s very helpful to know how your child is around animals, and that their interests change quickly. The child does have an attachment disorder so that’s partly why their behaviour around animals was important information that I wanted to consider in the match. No adverse behaviour towards animals has been disclosed, but my fear is that SW would not consider this as important, or would not be aware it’s happened. Toleration around animals is absolutely fine, if she’d said they are comfortable around the dog and tolerate them, but they not really interested in them, I don’t think I’d be stressing so much. I think next time I’ll ask more questions.

We have an older dog and she is now less able to get out of the way quickly. I do worry that she might nip if my LO is rough with her. Hence I never leave them alone and actively supervise any interaction.

Have you already been approved to adopt? If not please be aware that we had to commit as part of the process that we would rehome the dog if necessary. Our dog was assessed and considered very placid - but this commitment is always required by our Agency. As I’m sure you’re aware some dogs might feel unsettled by the changed dynamic introduced by a new child.

I was going to ask what @Cherry321 asked — I think it’s standard for people adopting with dogs to be asked to commit to rehoming them if their presence causes problems with the placement.

@inching and @cherry321 thank you, yes we are approved adopters. As part of prospective adopters assessment process if you have dogs they will also be assessed, and this includes agreement to rehoming if necessary. These issues was discussed at length on a previous thread, which I could find and post on here if people are interested.

I would like to know about peoples experiences who have dogs and went onto adopt a child (aged 2 or older), how introductions were managed, what the relationships are like and if this changed over time?

This may not be relevant now but we fostered (ages 7 and 9) over the summer while we wait to adopt (a different child).
We actually removed the dogs from the house for when they first arrived which social work found odd. My main reason was that I didn't want the focus to be on the dogs. I wanted them to come in, see there rooms, meet us and just get a feel for the house before they met the dogs. Then we did a calm controlled introduction wjere the dogs said hi and then went off to have a chew. We also out in strict non-negotionable rules about the dogs such as when they're in their beds they get left alone. Our dogs are totally fine with children and we had no concerns but we wanted to make sure that they dogs were respected. It gave us a bit if a dialogue as well about building trust.

Thank you runner31, it’s still relevant, we made a difficult decision not to go ahead with the match (not because of the dogs) so now we are waiting, any other potential matching has slowed down to a snails pace maybe due to COVID-19. But very helpful to know for when we do welcome a child for introductions.
Good luck with your adoption plans.

Our child came from a foster home with no pets so they’d never been in his life - he was nearly 2 when we got him and the bound he has with the dog is amazing (my dog isn’t keen on strangers but has been fantastic with our son). In fact I felt at the beginning our son bonded more with the dog than us as he was constant in his new home where as dad went to work or mam went to the shops but the dog was always their for him. I think your child can grow to enjoy your hobbies etc once they are with you x

Thanks Florida05 that’s sounds lovely, walking the dog is a definite hobby of ours!