Linkmaker/matching process

[houseofrabbits]

My husband and I had a gruelling adoption assessment process which took a year and a half due to unfortunate family circumstances outside of our control. We finally went to approval panel in June and it couldn't have been more positive, unanimously approved and ratified by ADM a week later.

Now we are in the matching stage, which we always knew would be hard but I'm finding it incredibly difficult. We have been dual approved for early permanency and traditional adoption, but throughout the process we have always had a preference for EP. We've joined Linkmaker this week, which is helping us feel more involved in the process, but how are we supposed 'know' which child to adopt?! Do we hold off on traditional adoption and wait for EP? Or do we express interest in children who could be a good fit but we don't necessarily have a 'feeling' about?

We've just bought a new house, and as soon as I walked into the house I knew we were going to buy it. If I can have a feeling about a house surely I should have a similar feeling about a child?

And at the centre of it all are vulnerable children and birth families, who are experiencing a million times more difficulty than we currently are and I feel guilty for even 'hoping' we get matched soon!

My take on it fwiw is that adoption matching can be a little romanticised and that actually it's far more of a science than a fairytale. We had a very bad experience of an initial link which broke down v late in the day right ahead of introductions so feel we learnt a lot along the way. In adoption you can sumx feel you have to rely on this mystical feeling of "just knowing" a child is yours. This really wasn't my experience and I think that expectation can put enormous pressure on you and make you believe that you are somehow doing something wrong. In reality there is very little information to go on in profiles and you are essentially underneath it all needing to make a decision based on a combination of factors - their birth history, circumstances and any additional needs, the limits and boundaries you spoke about with your S2 worker about what you feel able to take on, your skills and experience, and whether the information in their report leaves you feeling reasonably confident that you can parent them. Yes when we saw photos of our son we did of course think he was gorgeous but our previous experience taught us very quickly that that feeling of "knowing" can in actual fact be a complicated mix of hope and denial so on balance however clinical it may seem I would really advise to go with not so much your "gut" but concrete information about what you actually know about them. Hope that doesn't sound too negative and is helpful xxx

@veejayteekay that is really helpful thank you. Before the house saga I was also sceptical about 'knowing' (despite actually being religious, I had never experienced such instant conviction about big life decisions).

The problem is if we throw out just 'knowing', then how do we choose? On linkmaker there are quite a few children who we feel we could parent, do we express interest in all of them? Or do we sit tight and wait for an EP placement.

Congrats on your approval.

We adopted our first through EP and are now in the foster part with number 2.

We did have access to linkmaker both time and I found that with so many profiles it's hard to not get 'snow blind'. EP takes that away to a large extend as there are not a lot of children, to put it bluntly to pick and choose from, you are told about a child and there isnt too much info as they are so young, and you end up making a decision on, what health/background info you think you can manage rather than what the child looks like or what its personality is.

Personally EP has been amazing for us, although our first is only 5 so there is still time for behaviours/difficulties etc to emerge that we dont know about yet. We do know a lot of EP carers that had a very rough ride. Also you can't be proactive with EP, you just have to sit and wait till your contacted.

What does you LA/VA say about profiles, our wanted us to commit to EP for 6 months before looking mainstream.

It's hard to know the right route but I am sure you will find it and find your perfect little one, good luck with your search.

@TimerousBeastie I completely agree with you regarding how overwhelming looking at linkmaker/profiles is compared to EP. Our LA haven't said anything about having to commit to EP for a certain amount of time. We said to ourselves we would hold out for EP for 3 months (which will be up in early September) and then start seriously looking at Linkmaker/profiles from our LA. But perhaps we will give ourselves until the new year.

Our approval process was supposed to be incredibly straight forward and everyone thought we would have a child by last Christmas, the thought of not having a child by this Christmas fills me with great sadness. But I know I need to take a long term view of this.

I can completely understand 2 years it took the first for us with 6 month of that wait from approval to when we brought our little one home.

2nd time has much quicker, covid has played a small part but time from child born to us was 4 weeks, which is long for EP

So keep heart, all can happen extremely quickly, firm believer that our children (fingers crossed as not fully there with 2nd) were meant to be with us and worth every second of waiting, although it's much easier to say that once they are home with you.

It's an odd time waiting after being so involved in the process to get approved, you feel in limbo, try and make the most of your last few weeks as a two, its pretty intense those first few months of placement

Beat wishes

@TimerousBeastie I hope you don't mind me asking, were there any potential EP placements you said no to?

We began the adoption process in Feb 2019, so it's likely it will be 2 years for us as well, if not longer!

You are reminding me why we have leaned towards EP since before we even began the process, so thank you for that.

Hi house,

Yes this time we were approached about a different child, but it wasn't right for us, we couldn't pinpoint why but it just didn't feel like it was right for us, we were open with our sw and she was fully understanding as this is a life commitment for all involved and you have to be sure you want to go ahead.

It was a worry that we would come across as too fussy for EP, as this child was 'textbook' EP but it didn't delay us too long as 3 weeks later we found out about our current little one.

It was extremely hard saying no and we felt awful doing it at the time, you have to put the child above your feelings and we couldn't 100% commit so it was the right decision.

@TimerousBeastie I appreciate you sharing. I think we will to continue to look at linkmaker but hold back for a bit.

I didn't really get the "feeling" for any child, my wife did for every one! She even wanted twins! Actually there was one child I felt really connected to, we ended up not being linked with them but were by another couple we know. So I have met them and the baby since and it was strange, I didn't feel that connection at all and left feeling very thankful for the baby we have adopted. So gut instinct is not reliable imo. I think you have to almost ignore the cute photos and be a bit cold about it: could you meet their needs, what medical issues are thrown up etc.

@user1479136681 it's funny you say that as we have specifically been approved for one child or twins (rather than siblings of different ages) because I have lots of experience caring for twins. I absolutely feel drawn to twins and there have been a couple on linkmaker that I potentially may have expressed interest in but my DH didn't feel sure. Generally I would say we are both incredibly logical people, and I have never had a strong gut feeling about something until we walked into the house we are purchasing. I am feeling reassured that we might not get a gut feeling about our children, it may be a more logical process and there is nothing wrong with that.

An update for those who are interested. Last week we became carers to a baby boy under foster to adopt. He is utterly beautiful but still in NICU recovering from trauma he experienced in utero. It is tough going and heartbreaking to watch but in between the tears and difficult times we have had some really beautiful moments with him.

Congratilations :)

Congratulations, so lovely, hope he continues to do well and you get to bring him home soon.

Lovely news, many congratulations 🥳

I just wanted to reach out and say - feel free to PM me at any point during your early permanence journey. We are over a year into ours and there were many moments when I wished I could have spoken to someone else going through it. Sending all good wishes to the little guy - may he be home soon 💙