When will I start loving my kid?

[user1479136681]

Almost 5 months into placement with good days and bad days. I don't feel that parental love towards my son yet. I know I'm not alone in this but I feel really guilty anyway. Of course I still do hug and kiss him and tell him I love him but it feels like I'm pretending. Some days I still really miss our old life without kids.

How long did it take for you?

With my first, I felt an immediate love for him. With my 2nd it took about a year to feel I genuinely loved her and my 3rd took about 9 months to a year too. Both 2 and 3 were prickly and distressed in the early days whereas number 1 was terrified and clung to me so I think it created more immediate protective feelings. With 2 and 3 I had to manage negative outpourings of emotion which were instinctively designed to demand my attention and I found it harder to work through. It comes though OP.

I found rereading their backgrounds helped - got me feeling angry on their behalf which made me feel protective and helped forge a deeper emotional involvement.

I'm 8 years along and I still miss my old life! I think it's a rare parent that doesn't.
I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Forget about what you think you should be feeling, or when anyone else says they loved their child.
Get on with life, enjoy the good days, learn from and move on from the bad days and let it happen in it's own time.

Thanks @Ted27 you are always so wise and calm!

@comehomemax that's a great idea about reading the info again, I will do that.

I'm also thinking about fasd again and what we've gotten ourselves into. I thought I'd done my research but I keep finding out new terrible things.

@user1479136681 it's very easy to be calm when you are dishing out advice to others!

Believe me we have had our moments but I do feel adopters put a lot of pressure on themselves over many things, what we feel, when we feel it, being the perfect parent.
Which of course none of us are.
One of the best things I've learned over the years is how to take care of me, because if I'm not functioning, I can't give him my best shot. But I think adopters are generally pretty rubbish at self care

I'm also thinking about fasd again and what we've gotten ourselves into.

The reality is none of us actually know what we’ve gotten ourselves into, regardless of what suspicions or diagnosis our children come with because so much is just unknown. Try not to let your reading freak you out - the more lightly you can hold it, the more open you’ll be to other possibilities. Of course you’re going to look at your little one and wonder if this trait or that trait, but you can’t know just yet.

I’d totally echo @Ted27, enjoy the good days, reflect on the not so good ones, recognise where you could do better and learn from the bits you get wrong. I’m pretty sure I have parental love for my kids, which is to say I’d walk over hot coals for them, love to see them grow and learn, want the best for them and they melt my heart. I’d also say sometimes I don’t like being a mum, sometimes I wish I had my old life back, sometimes I don’t like myself as a mum, and sometimes I don’t like my kids very much.

It’s such a mixed bag, go gently with yourself - yes to self care, as much as you possibly can in whatever form that takes.

And also remember the times we’re living in, I know I’ve wobbled somewhere between anxiety and depression over the last six week and have found even basic care difficult. Don’t expect too much of yourself.

I'm 11 months in and I would say it's only in the last couple of months that I've been able to say I truly love my son. It's been hard and he's been very rejecting and is not a tactile child - I suspect those feelings would have come sooner if he'd wanted to give me hugs or snuggle on the sofa. I felt a fierce need to protect him first, followed by feelings of pride and then love followed. I don't always like him or his behaviours but the love is there. It will come OP, it's still very early days for you.

3 years in and I love my LO completely but it took a long time to get there and there are days when I don't really like her - thanks to lockdown we've each got pretty fed up with the other on occasion!

There are still days when I feel like I'm not her 'real' mum but I know myself well enough to know I'd feel the same if she were my birth child because of imposter syndrome.

Hi there. Was pleased to see your message as I came online during a sleepless night to try and find others feeling like I do. We were placed with AD 6 months ago and I still feel most of the time like she's just a little girl I know who happens to be around a lot. My DW says she feels like she doesn't love her yet either but I feel like she finds it easier not to panic about this. The last few days we've been with DW's mum who dotes on the child - I feel like she loves her the most out of anyone - and I feel like compared to her easy love and care I'm like a grumpy robot. I've had depression in the past and have had therapy in the past six months to deal with feelings that have come up during this process - I had something akin to panic attacks during intros - and have been doing much better. But lockdown/covid makes things tough and I've been finding it hard. Heartening to hear that these feelings can take time to come. Guess I just need to be more patient. Not my strong suit!

Like others have said, don’t be so hard on yourself. There is no right or wrong way to feel. There’s no manual that says at this specific time you will have these feelings. Just go with it. It will come naturally. Don’t force it. Adoption is a big thing and there are so many feelings and emotions already tied to it. Take your time. For me personally it was love at first sight. As soon as we met I cried and said ‘that’s my child’. But the other side is I’ve had friends who said it took them months and months to truly feel that parental love and that’s ok. Don’t rush it. It will come

It's very reassuring to read all your replies. I definitely do put too much pressure on myself and I've known this about myself for a while but it's easier to deal with in theory than it is in practise!

I don't really feel like a mum yet and I think that's partly because of lockdown, we haven't been out much hardly anyone else has seen me with him so no one is seeing me as his mum. The days where I feel most bonded to him are when we go out to the park or even just the supermarket. I'm also really lonely and all the support we had in place from our parents etc hasn't been possible to take advantage of. We are just starting to socialise again so hopefully that will improve.

I feel jealous of the instant love my friends feel for their birth children and then really guilty for feeling that way. One of my friends has just had a baby who's in the neonatal unit and I'm really struggling with thinking I should be happy and grateful that my son is at home with us as well as being a bit jealous of their immediate bond. Overall it just makes me feel like I'm a terrible person!

My wife feels much more in love than me and she misses him while she's at work, I don't miss him when I'm away from him (on the other hand I've not been away from him at all, sometimes I go to the shop without him... that's pretty much it!).

@ADmum38 so we are on a similar timeline! Being patient isn't my strong suit either. I also had expectations about being a parent that aren't really coming true, I expected to enjoy it more and get a lot more satisfaction from it. I hated my job for example and couldn't wait to leave, but now I miss it, especially the adult interaction! I guess that is part of having a new identity.

@Jellycatspyjamas I always enjoy seeing your posts and you're right about the pandemic. There are so many big things to worry about right now.

@ifchocolatewerecelery Strongly identify with what you said about imposter syndrome! Sometimes I feel like I'm not his real mum and that he would have been better off staying with birth family (although I know that's objectively not true based on what happened to him before he was taken into care).

If anyone has some tips about how to relax and take the pressure off... I would love that! We had some sessions with a play therapist which helped LOADS and I always felt much more bonded to him and positive about everything after each session, but we are at the end of those now. Coupled with suddenly being the main parent (wife went back to work this week, she had an interview on a Monday and they wanted her to start on Wednesday so really no transition time, it's been hard on everyone) I'm feeling the pressure and change of identity.

Sorry for the long rant!!

@poppet31 Your stages of protectiveness followed by pride and then love have reassured me! I think I'm somewhere between protectiveness and pride at the moment so I'll hang in there and wait for love. Like your LO, ours isn't very tactile either. He will give hugs and kisses but he mostly wants to run around doing his own thing, he's very independent. He is also quite a grump.

It can sneak up on you. When my boy was on hospital struggling to breathe with undiagnosed asthma and I was awake all night holding his air mask on I realised I would do anything for him. Just rembering how vulnerable he was and how much he needed me, after months of being daddies boy and hating me for being around and how it hit me I was his mum and I turned into a tiger mum.

@user1479136681 do you have any swimming pools open nearby?

Skin to skin contact is really good for bonding and its easy to do in a pool, or as its so hot, get a huge padding pool and get in it together

@Ted27 that is a great suggestion thank you!! Actually we did used to take baths together so I will do that again. I really can't wait to take him swimming, our pools are open but only for lane swimming at the moment so hopefully they will start doing family swim again soon. I'd love a big paddling pool in this heat so that will be my next purchase :D

I also had expectations about being a parent that aren't really coming true, I expected to enjoy it more and get a lot more satisfaction from it.

I think nothing can prepare you for the sheer drudgery that comes with parenthood, no one tells you that for every fun filled activity there’s 3 times the amount of prep and clear up - or that the loveliest moments are often the small things, a hand holding yours when they’re unsure, or a quick hug, or a look that says they trust you completely. I remember being literally knee deep in laundry (two older kids with toiletting issues) longing for a work day filled with pointless meetings and hot coffee. Your identity is being reshaped by a small, demanding stranger - you’re allowed to have growing pains.

Hey there. For me I look back on my first few months with LO with some guilt that is probably misplaced as I was just doing my best and trying to learn instant parenthood going in cold but I did really struggle in that time and while I would say I did love my child within a couple months i equally struggled with some conflicting emotions that used to pull me away from that feeling for at least 6 months. I was sometimes short tempered with him, felt I wasn't always as loving with him as I could've been and my near constant anxiety and defensiveness got in the way sumx I think. That said things feel totally different now and when I look back on those days where I would cry in front of him while he sat in the highchair and think "what have I done?" While feeling so guilty at the same time have with time vanished. I think what ppl say about imposter syndrome is so true and a massive hurdle in adoptive parenting. I really struggled with the lack.of validation we get by society for what we're going through. Please try to be kind to yourself and make allowances for yourself. I wish I had done. Yes most ppl these days are quite supportive of adoption and excited about the child coming home and I didn't encounter that much ignorance. But by the Same token I found ppl forgot to treat me as tho I'd just had a baby with the same grace newborn mother's get and everyone expected me to be enjoying myself from day 1 and there didn't seem to be any acknowledgement of the exhaustion or anxiety or depression I might be feeling that there would have been had I just given birth. So I found it all very isolating at first.

I echo skin to skin advice and found that anything close and tactile really helped. I felt odd kissing and hugging for a little while but I decided on a fake it til I make it strategy. So I found giving affection even if it felt strange to be doing it when the rush of feelings hadn't come through yet helped me to build some sort of bond that felt hormonal but who knows! Swimming as Ted said was brilliant. Lots of physical contact, knowing he was physically dependent on me and sometthinhg about the gentleness of it all. It's a cliche on these boards but the first time he was properly ill and really needed me definitely kick started some sort of parental instinct. Bathing I also found anything involving getting out and about in fresh air just me and him worked. I know that's harder in these times but whatever you can do. I did get to a point where I felt family visits were getting in the way of my own bonding with my son so I started to pull back on these a little to spend more time with him alone which helped. Finally (and this wil sound odd) lots of eye contact. Hope this helps a little sorry prob not v coherent z

If anyone has some tips about how to relax and take the pressure off...

I’m sorry if I’ve missed it elsewhere but how old is your little one? Depending on age I might have some suggestions.

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you, he's 17 months old

@veejayteekay totally get what you mean about not being given any grace period. Only my mum has acknowledged it really. Also I feel sad for him (and me!) That his arrival into our family wasn't celebrated as much as a birth child. But maybe that's just because I'm not very popular 😂

Had a bad day today, both very tired, lots of tantrums and crying... I wasn't very loving or patient with him. I should have taken him outdoors but it's so hot and muggy I have been reluctant. Lots of kisses and hugs at bedtime and I apologised for being grumpy and stroked his head until he fell asleep. I sometimes feel like an imposter and that he'd be better off with someone else. And the house is a tip!

I sometimes feel like an imposter and that he'd be better off with someone else. And the house is a tip!

That’s just life as a parent - I’d say adopter but I have friends with birth kids who tell me they think their kids would be better with some imaginary, ever patient, baking, game playing, never tired mum, so while adoption brings its own joys, imposter syndrome seems to be alive and well in parent land.

In terms of building connection and relationship, if you google “theraplay games” you’ll find different resources with games that maximise physical contact without being smothering, or that build cooperation between you and your little one. Even simple mimicking games, sticking your tongue out, copying their movements or playing “when I’m angry/happy/funny I look like this”, rolling a ball between you or ticking games are all good because they build connection but don’t force intimacy where it might be too soon. And invariably they end with laughter, so lots of feel good hormones.

The other thing, depending on how he is in water us lots of baths, if you can get a toddler seat for the bath, bundle in toys you can almost go through the motions if you’re feeling a bit worn out and water is good sensory stimulation for little traumatised kids, very calming.

And don’t be afraid to let Hey Dugee! carry some of the load. Baby in safe place, tv on, mum in kitchen mainlining tea and chocolate.

My first one it was immediate, the second one was so violent and we've had so many issues with that I didn't develop a firm bond until lockdown 1 which was 5 years after I got him. I now feel proper love and as he finally trusts me can do more with him.

I haven't adopted yet, lo is coming to us in a couple of weeks, matching panel this afternoon! But I just wanted to say with my birth son I didn't live him immediately it took a good 3 months before I really felt it and he's 4 now and I still have days I have doubts about my desicion to have kids. It is the hardest job on earth. I can often find myself daydreaming of my old life or what lockdown would be like without children. I think it's pretty normal, it's a massive change and that's without the added pressures that come with adoption!

I loved mine from the moment I laid eyes on her at 9MO. However I'd say if I'm honest that it wasn't until several months later that I felt a true connection with her and started to realise 'yep I'm her mummy and I'm special and irreplaceable in her life' In retrospect although she settled well in those early days it's only looking back that I realise something was missing a bit. It does take tim. Work on that connection and go with the flow ITO what you're actually doing together. Some days I'm that suoermum and we've done 5 jigsaws, run round the park, read all the books on her bookshelf, painted a masterpiece and baked cupcakes all before lunch. Others we've cuddled on the sofa and watched Frozen/cocomelon/the Wiggles all day. Just try and go by what your kid needs. I don't know a parent on the land who doesn't sometimes wish for at least the odd day back to their old life especially at the moment. For us we adopted our LG about a year before lockdown and I can count on one hand the amount of times we left her with someone else even for an hour or 2. Then the last year we've literally never left her with anyone so we've either been at work or with her. It's exhausting and very suffocating at times there's no escaping that. No way would I trade it, I love her way too much, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't fantasise about just a little bit of time away from being a mummy. It honestly sounds like you're doing great and it's still really early days. Just keep going, work on connection with your child, seek help from adoption support if you need it and one day you'll probably just wake up and realise that that connection has developed xx

My DH and I fostered a couple of babies before we adopted our siblings who were 2&3 when they came home! I can honestly say that that physical gushy love feeling I had with the babies we fostered has never really come with our two, particularly with my son who is quite prickly at times. I realised that with babies the amount of physical touch and the fact that they totally rely on you helps provide a very physical feeling. I beat myself up for a while that I did not have those feelings for my children but after about 6 months I knew that I loved them and would fight for them to the end. We worked hard to recreate some baby style activities to promote physical closeness and it did help but I have settled myself now to accept that love comes in many forms and feels very different at different times.

We are now foster carers again and have babies. The physical closeness that you get constantly with a baby definitely evokes physical feeling of overwhelming protection and probably what we see as love. These children, while I love them, move on, my heart breaks but I can let them go! My own children, I could not let go now! Not in a heartbeat, I don’t have that strong physical feeling but I love them and will protect them to the death. In time you will hopefully get to the point that you could no longer imagine life without them, and be sure that you love them but may never get that physical feeling. That’s ok!