Starting stage 1. Tell me your stories

[Tori2005]

Long term lurker... Its amazing how many hours I can spend on here! Starting stage one of the adoption process as a single adopter, fairly open minded. In a good place career / home wise. Mid 30s. I always appreciate a good reality check but have also noticed with forums people tend to only highlight the negatives. So if you want to share your story, advice, tips, especially how long the process took from submitting ROI to placement this would be great! Also when did you tell work? As I am aware in Stage 1 they will seek references? - also just incase you need to hear it, you are all great!

We made our initial phone call in October 2018, officially started stage 1 in Feb 2019 and our 2 LO's came home in March 2020.

I told my line manager at work as soon as we started stage 1, as they were asked to provide a reference straight away. I then informed work "officially" once we had a date for matching panel as we could reasonable guess when intros would start based on that.

My best advice is to get used to waiting - there is a lot of it! Especially during stage 1 when you're so excited to get started but it just feels like nothing is happening while you wait for various different forms and checks to be sorted. When stage 2 starts it feels faster, but it's hard to be patient. It's when you get matched that things just start happening really fast so get as much ready before then as possible. We made we'd decorated rooms (neutral colours, basic furniture etc) when in stage 2 so we only had to do the finishing touches when we were matched.

It can be a long and difficult process but it is so work it in the end - good luck!!

We were asked for references pretty early in stage one (3 days after submitting our ROI)

I am not planning on telling work officially until I have to (which is after receiving a matching certificate - giving 28 days notice) they have really messed me around in the last few months so I am not giving them extra notice tbh. I had a co-worker do my reference so that was that.

I am very impatient and the process has felt like it has dragged (Although we have moved faster than most, completed stage one in 5 weeks and are by the time we go to panel it will be 4.5 months altogether)

I think it hinges on how efficient your social worker ends up being, some don't chase for things, or don't read homework quickly, thankfully ours has been very efficient (tbh one might say he has rushed through but it works out better for us so haven't questioned it)

Also to note about the negative experiences, I found attending the webinars and online meetings with other adoptive parents really valuable, as you're right most people come to forums when things aren't going well and it can really make it look like a terrible experience as you only see the worst days not the good. I found this on other adoption forums more than here (one I had to step away from as it was genuinely getting to me reading all these awful stories about 17-year-olds still pooing on the floor, and wiping it on their parents doors etc.)

We went to an information meeting in May 2019 and had our son placed with us March 2020.

References happened quite early on, my HR manager did my reference so I had to tell work, she knew as did my line manager. Stage 1 dragged because I had to get paperwork from the time I spent living in the States and it took forever, but it was positive in the end because it came with a lovely note from the college I attended wishing me good luck! It made me cry! Anyway because of that we were quite late entering stage 2, but that was fine as we weren't in a big rush. Stage 2 was an emotional rollercoaster. I was not expecting to find it as difficult as I did, I cried so much. But the social workers and our training cohort were all great, we still see the other families from training and we all have little boys placed with us now so it's nice to meet up and let the kids play together. You definitely get out what you put in when it comes to training.

Matching went smoothly although it didn't feel like it at the time. We were interested in a baby boy who we weren't linked with, I felt really sad about it. After that I tried to be a bit more practical and not get so attached to a picture.

Now we have had our son placed with us for 5 months. The beginning was really tough, probably the first month I cried a lot and wondered if we had made the wrong decision. It was obviously difficult for him to and there were lots of meltdowns (from all of us...) and I still have hard moments now, but rarely. Our son is wonderful, he's got such a big personality, he's funny and very cheeky and affectionate. He is at high risk for FASD and he does have some of the facial features so we are waiting to see how that will affect him. But although I was so worried about that before we got linked, now I feel like I could handle anything because I love him and want him to have a content life.

My advice is to be chilled about waiting, you will spend most of the time waiting especially in Stage 1. But try and be excited too, do things for yourself, make some preparations and allow yourself to be excited about being parents. I wish I had done that and spent less time worrying (something I am trying to remember going forwards...)

Good luck!

I am a single adopter too and was a similar age to you when I started out.

I got sucked in to all the negative online stuff too. I nearly didn't apply. I asked for an info pack and then sat on it for about a year. I think my social worker was pleased that I'd digested all the negativity and still wanted to go through with it. My reality is so far away from what I read about. My son has been home for nearly four years now and is an absolute joy. He doesn't present any more challenges than any other child his age and I can't imagine what life would be without him.

Yes, plenty of patience needed. It took me over two years from ROI to placement, which I am fairly sure is longer than most.

In terms of telling work, my line manager, who was also a close friend, knew even before the ROI and she did my reference. I didn't tell anyone else at work for a really, really long time. I didn't want to deal with the 'how's it all going?' questions. A few close colleagues knew but I made it clear I'd talk about it if I needed to but otherwise don't ask. Once I had a date for matching panel I told hr and a few more people - the ones who would have to pick up my work when I left. Once matching panel was over and the adm decision confirmed a few days later, it was all a bit of a blur. I sent out a bulk email and was gone about a week later.

We started enquiring around April 2019. Submitted out ROI around the May time. Our LO came home last month. We really enjoyed the process and we had an incredible SW who worked with us to get us where we wanted to be.
Myself and my partner were very open and honest with our employers from the day we were accepted onto the process. We found this helped because we needed to book time off for meetings/courses etc so our employers were very understanding.

Yes there is a lot of negative stories around adoption but there are a lot of happy stories too. It’s just trying to find them that’s the issue

I am not planning on telling work officially until I have to (which is after receiving a matching certificate - giving 28 days notice)

Just a word of caution, you might not have 28 days between matching certificate and intros starting - I think I got mine 3 days before I was due to start intros.

@Jellycatspyjamas

I am not planning on telling work officially until I have to (which is after receiving a matching certificate - giving 28 days notice)

Just a word of caution, you might not have 28 days between matching certificate and intros starting - I think I got mine 3 days before I was due to start intros.

That's fine, I don't have to tell work until I get a matching certificate so that's what I am doing. If it's less than 28 days then even better

Oddly enough, I took a not dissimilar view 😂

I think standard HR policies ask that you give 28 days notice where possible. It's almost never possible, because once the match is approved things usually happen really quickly, so the only way to give more notice is with a very tentative plan, subject to things going well at panel. I was asked so many times about how certain I was that I was going but you really can't be certain until it's time to pack up your desk.

I might be one of the negative stories you read on here. I have found it invaluable to have a place to go to speak things through with people who know what it’s like in an anonymous way.

Although my posts are usually very negative, adoption has been the best decision I have made for my family. My son has a lot of trauma and behaviour can be challenging but he has made phenomenal progress and I love him. Enough said.

It took about 2 years from initial enquiry to my son coming home. I think that is a little longer than most. I told my boss straight away as I needed time off for different training and stuff. Work colleagues found out a few weeks before I went off on leave.

I'm also a long term lurker (and single adopter) and was terrified by the negative stories for a while too. It nearly put me off, but after speaking to people who have adopted, all of them said they would do the same thing again (even those who have had serious challenges), so I decided to go for it.

I submitted my ROI in Jan, approved in mid-July and was contacted about a potential baby last Friday. I'm doing foster to adopt so if this link does work out, this baby could be home with me before the end of the month (!)

I decided to tell work at the start of stage 1 and have been 100% open about timescales, because I really like and trust my boss. My agency don't collect references until stage 2, so if I had a boss I didn't get on with, I'd have waited until the last possible opportunity.

A bit about the process itself as there's a lot of negativity about this too - I really enjoyed everything about it, the training was great, I met some lovely people who I'm still in touch with, my social worker is lovely and the 121 sessions were positive even though challenging sometimes - I looked forward to the. There were no delays. I realise I'm lucky, but actually this was the experience for almost all of our group.

Thank you to everyone who has replied so far. Its really appreciated. I fully know it wont just be a smooth process and each child is an individual with their own background. I agree when times may be tough this will be the place I come too! I maybe speak for myself but generally when things arent good in any aspect of life thats when people talk the most and it can be hard to find 'good' posts because rightly so everyones enjoying the good times!

Any information anyone feels I could benefit from please send me a message

Just get ready for administrative chaos and delay after delay. You will need a tremendous amount of patience and can’t expect the same level of competence that you would expect on your day-to-day job. It would feel like an emotional rollercoaster and the most stressful process you’ve been through, that is, until you start stage 2 which is even more stressful. However, when your adopted child finally moved into your house it will all be worth it! :)

And apologies in advance for the typos.

I am one of the negative stories sadly. I remember being like you and desperately trying to seek out positive stories during the approval process. I was a bit naive and assumed that the negative stories came from people who were either totally unprepared or had unrealistic expectations about adoption. I was wrong. Would I do it again if I could step back in time? Yes, but our son has been home nearly a year and I would say it's only been in the past couple of months that I've been able to say that. The last couple of years have been hell for me and my story is not unique. But I do know people that have had very few issues. I think you just have to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Good luck!

I do get a bit irritated about this positive/ negative story thing

@poppet31 - I don't see your story in the least bit negative. Yes you had some very hard times but where are you now? Surely the fact that you hung in there and got through those times is one big fat positive?

I think what prospective adopters need to understand is that adoption can be challenging, but that does not mean life is all doom and gloom. Adopters have challenges, difficulties, issues, whatever you want to call it, but the majority of us come through it.

If adopters have a difficult start, its not negative, its the reality. I had a great start and hit problems later on, again not negative but our reality.

Adoption is a long haul, there will be ups and downs along the way. Thats the reality

And the fact that most of us are still here with our kids is what counts

@Ted27 thank you for your post. I think your right. Reality is adoption is hard but so is parenting. Have a look on other parts of Mumsnet and you will see that. Reality is parenting an adopted child is different. I’ve heard the term parenting plus used. But like all parents there are positives and negatives. It’s not good or bad, it is just what it is. I suppose it’s life.

I do get a bit irritated about this positive/ negative story thing

I couldn’t agree more, life through adoption is challenging. The process of approval is challenging and yes, there are delays and administrative difficulties as social workers - who are massively over worked and underpaid - try to predict whether you will be able to withstand those challenges and being a hurt child through with you.

I had a very challenging early placement for lots of reasons, not least because I went from being a busy, professional woman to a busy stay at home mum without much warning, and my kids got taken from people they called mum and dad and were terrified. It wasn’t negative, but it didn’t feel positive either - it just was the way it was.

Adoption is, and should be, challenging.

@121Sarah121 @Ted27 Appreciate any reality of adoption and I think challenging is definitely the word across all parenting adopted / Bio. Luckily I appear to have a good social worker, through work I have lots of experience with CAMHS / safeguarding / multi agency meetings leading to child removal (heartbreaking to see). So have definitely seen things from the other side. Have just sent off my ROI form - no idea what happens next as such as have been advised it takes around 8 weeks.
Just ordered 2 books from Amazon. The unofficial guide to adoption (great reviews) and therapeutic parenting. Any recommendations?

@JohnPA The last bit made me smile.

@Tori2005 I bought the unofficial guide to adoption and threw it across the room in a rage when I was going through the process. I found it all doom and gloom and not the happily ever after I was looking for. About a year after my son joined our family, I read it again and it made much more sense.

I read the A to Z of therapeutic parenting after my son had been with us a while. It started off as “I wonder if there is something about aggression in here” and read the thing cover to cover and it made so much sense.

I read a few other things about trauma, adoption, attachment over the space of the past few years. Nothing specific stands out. I understood the theory prior to his placement but I didn’t really “get it” until he was with us a while.

I would recommend touching on trauma and attachment but ask your social worker what they suggest. In child development, there’s lots of different perspectives and theories so it might be worth a look at different things. Whatever excites and encourages you. At the heart of adoption is a child and until you meet and get to know your own child, you will be reading about other people’s children. At this stage, I’d just take the time to read things which interest you.

@121Sarah121 note to self throw across the room but not in the bin ha!

Agree wholeheartedly with @JohnPA as mine has been very similar experience, except we are in the matching stage, and more waiting as our social worker is on leave so emotionally in bits currently. But hoping it’s worth it.

I found No Matter What by Sally Donovan a good read, made me think about lots of things I’d not previously. Second the AtoZ of therapeutic parenting as this has been helpful when we are looking at children’s profiles and considering their needs. Agree with previous poster @121Sarah121 read what interests you, I read Bruce Perry as I work in services but my partner wouldn’t have been interested in that.
I’ve really got into the Cathy Glass books, she’s a foster carer who writes stories about kids she’s looked after. No idea if this is helpful reading though! Any experienced adopter read these?

Also if you have Netflix there’s some good child development series on there to watch ‘The beginning of life’ which has an episode on the impact of trauma and neglect on a child, and ‘babies’.

14 months from making the first phone calls to a few agencies/LAs to placement. The biggest issue for me was the absolute lack of control throughout the process, being completely dependant on other people, not all of whom were competent. I think the thing that helped me the most (during the process and since) was to not daydream about 'my child', what they'd be like & what we'd do. I think that's fairly unusual but I was worried about getting overly attached to a little fantasy that may never happen - they won't sit still for books, or don't like jumping in puddles, or whatever - and end up being disappointed that my actual child isn't what I'd dreamed of. Instead I'd think about possible challenging scenarios & how I could respond effectively, which helped no end as it was second nature by the time it happened! The other big help was managing my expectations: I fully expected the first few months at least to be a slog, to feel like a fraud & not enjoy myself at all. None of which was actually the case, thankfully! But that's just what works for me - you need to find a way of getting through the process that fits your personality!

My work have an hr dept that aren't allowed to share reference requests so I told my manager after Panel, but only because I like & respect him. if my previous manager had still been in the job, I'd have told work once the matching panel gave the final official yes, which was the day introductions started.