no holidays for a year?

[JBizz]

First time posting so apologies if this isn't formatted properly!

We are in the latter part of stage 2 at the moment and have just been doing some more research into holidays, bedtime routines etc. with adopted children. Most sites say not to holiday for the first year as it will be unsettling however most of the articles I have seen this mentioned in and those commenting agreeing have all adopted older children (2+)

We are being eyed up for a 4 month old (well she will be 4 months old when we go to panel) and I am not sure if this means she wouldn't be as unsettled by a holiday than an older child/toddler.

The only reason this is being asked is we have a voucher for a holiday which was canceled this year but it has to be used before the end of 2021 - meaning we either travel in the first year or lose the £5800 we paid for the trip.

Has anyone got any advice on this, as from what I have read and studied adopting younger is different in the first few months/years than those who adopt toddlers and older children in terms of attachment etc. so I want to know if it's a bit more likely to be ok to travel with a much younger child

Hi,

All situations are different obviously and you will know your child and their needs by then, but unless there's a specific difficulty I would say go for it. I adopted a nearly 5 year old and took her on a UK holiday 11 months later.

If you're still pre adoption order by the time you actually plan to go though, do check you're allowed to with your agency as until you have the order you haven't got full parental responsibility. What about passports? That can be tricky before the AO.

And adoption aside, holidays with littlies are always interesting!! Good luck.

We went on a UK holiday after 5 months with our son, but did need to notify the agency. We were supposed to notify for all overnight stays (with us) until the order went through but I can’t say hand on heart we always remembered/did. We first went abroad a year after placement. Our son was then 4. He luckily loves holidays as much as us and we now regularly go away in Uk and overseas. I think the advice not to go on holiday is sound, but depends on where you are going and your child. Our son had been on holiday with FC so understood what a holiday was and that we would all be coming home again.

@2mums1son

We went on a UK holiday after 5 months with our son, but did need to notify the agency. We were supposed to notify for all overnight stays (with us) until the order went through but I can’t say hand on heart we always remembered/did. We first went abroad a year after placement. Our son was then 4. He luckily loves holidays as much as us and we now regularly go away in Uk and overseas. I think the advice not to go on holiday is sound, but depends on where you are going and your child. Our son had been on holiday with FC so understood what a holiday was and that we would all be coming home again.

I suppose I am just wondering if her being so young (if matching goes ahead, but it seems likely at this stage) we won't have the same issues as people with older children have in regards to understanding coming home etc. I can totally see why a 3 year old might have a melt down about their routine being changed, esp as they will be old enough to remember FC and have had all their pre 24 month attachment going on with them. It seems all those advocating to wait have adopted toddlers or older children, I haven't seen anyone who has adopted younger than 2 writing about it, hence the question to see if anyone has done it with a baby and had an 'easier' time of it.

Yes I know our son was older, but I think an agency will take the same stance however old a child is, so just be prepared to notify them of any overnight stays and as the previous poster said you might have passport issues if pre AO. Like with all things parenting or adoption related, sometimes you have to do things and then be prepared for the fallout afterwards-sometimes there is one, sometimes there isn’t. Some children regardless of their age pick up on changes and not being able to verbalise it can make it slightly harder to explain.

I would say if you are looking at summer 2021 for a baby that is likely to be placed with you in the autumn you should be fine, although all children are different and you'll know your child better than anyone once they are living with you. As weekends mentioned I'd be more concerned about flying with any small child whether adopted or not (it's no picnic) and whether the adoption order has been granted, which makes the process of getting a passport easier. As weekends said it's not even a given that you'll be allowed to get a passport if you are pre adoption order. However I do know someone who went on holiday abroad in the first year with their three year old, and that was pre-adoption order. They all had an amazing time and probably strengthened their attachment if anything.

If I were you I would put the holiday to the back of your mind for now and focus on little one coming home. You'll know if it feels right or not.

I’d not be worrying about just yet - the process can be fairly lengthy with all kinds of things getting in the way. You’re not approved yet and given all things Covid the little one may not be placed with you particularly quickly.

If the voucher lasts for all of next year you could plan for something towards the end of the year. Part of the reason for saying no holidays is to support the child in settling in to their new family, but part of it is to give parents time too - the reality is you may not feel much like travelling in the early days. I’d leave it at the back of your mind, maybe use part of the voucher for a getaway before your little one is placed?

Simply put, the longer you leave it before going on holiday the better, I’d also suggest it’s harder when they are pre-verbal because they don’t understand what’s happening. I took my older two away about 11 months after placement and we were all fine.

The thing about very young children is that they have no concept of what a holiday is and neither do they have the understanding to allow you to explain it to them. So you risk the situation where you have a child who (from their perspective) is suddenly ripped away from everything familiar with no knowledge that this is temporary.

It's quite common for very young non adopted children to become very unsettled and upset by holidays, I imagine for an adopted child it could be downright traumatic.

Firstly, if your trip had to be cx due to covid then you should be entitled to a full refund so perhaps you should push that. However, if you have a holiday booked then I really wouldn't worry. We adopted our LG at 9MO and in her first year we took her away in the UK a few times. Every time our SW gittered saying she might be unsettled and we might need to return early blah blah blah. In reality she loved each and every one of our trips. They didn't phase her one bit not even the one where I broke my ankle Going away is something that might upset them a bit but it's also a huge part of family life and creates precious memories in childhood. Our kids deserve at least the chance to experience this. Your baby will likely not be much older than 1 when you go away. IMO that's too young for them to be so affected that the trip is a total nightmare. At the end of the day life goes on and even adopted children have to learn this. If you have a holiday booked then go for it! I wouldn't just rush into spending all that money on a holiday you're not sure about though or that you think isn't going to be enjoyed with such a young child. Like I said the holiday company should really be offering a refund

We had an extremely young baby placed with us and we have been away within the UK (with permission) numerous times in the first year. We kept an identical routine in all the important areas while away and used an inward facing carrier rather then a pram so they felt close at all times.
You are the reliable, comforting and consistant presence in their life. The surroundings may be different but nothing about you and your attentativeness to them will change whether on holiday or at home and that is what matters most

For both of ours we took them on holiday between placement and adoption. The first was 9 months on placement and the second was 14 months. We went long haul to visit my DH's family and it worked out fine. We had to ask the social worker to apply for the passport for us and we had to give an exact schedule of where we would be staying.

@Jellycatspyjamas

I’d not be worrying about just yet - the process can be fairly lengthy with all kinds of things getting in the way. You’re not approved yet and given all things Covid the little one may not be placed with you particularly quickly.

If the voucher lasts for all of next year you could plan for something towards the end of the year. Part of the reason for saying no holidays is to support the child in settling in to their new family, but part of it is to give parents time too - the reality is you may not feel much like travelling in the early days. I’d leave it at the back of your mind, maybe use part of the voucher for a getaway before your little one is placed?

Simply put, the longer you leave it before going on holiday the better, I’d also suggest it’s harder when they are pre-verbal because they don’t understand what’s happening. I took my older two away about 11 months after placement and we were all fine.

We are planning on using it September time so with panel next week and being groomed for this particular child we and our SW are confident that it will go through this year for matching etc.

We have two older children and the trip has really been what's keeping them going through all the changes at home and school etc. so have it drilled into me daily about when are they going on holiday would love to keep it off my mind but alas

Panel next month*

Oh you’ll be fine, you’ll have nearly a year under your belts by September - and the adoption order should surely be through by then?

We took our two, then aged 8 and 3 on holiday around 3 months after placement. We only did a UK holiday park, and they were familiar with those having been to similar with foster carers. We were willing to go home early if needed. Worked fine.

Just giving my opinion but my son was two and a half when placed so completely different scenario to a young baby. There is no way that he would have been able to cope with a holiday. He's been home nearly a year and I still haven't taken him away (as much as I would like to) as he needs such a rigid routine and it would have been extremely triggering for him to sleep in a different bed. Every child is different and there is no real way of knowing how a child will cope until they've come home and settled in.

We adopted DS at 10 months old. He came home in the September and the adoption was confirmed in court the following Jan.

We took him on a weekend away to a holiday park in the Uk in the March ( just to check he was ok being away ) and then away for a week in Tenerife in the April.

With DD she come home in the June so we didn't have a summer break that year but got permission from the local authority to take her away to a holiday cottage in Dorset for a week in September. A social worker checked the cottage was suitable for kids ( ie no ponds in the garden or other hazards ) and all was agreed.

The adoption order went through in the November and we took her to France for two weeks the following June.

It sounds like you will be fine to have your holiday.

We were told the same, no holidays.

But we took our 1 year old away after he'd been with us for 6 months (since he was 7 months old).

Agency gave us permission, and paid for his passport (they had to apply for it too), plus gave us a letter to show customs if we were stopped (different surnames).

You have to get their permission if the adoption order isn't through, but our LO was with us for 7 months when we got the adoption order, so after that it was our decision anyway.

Simplest is return the voucher and get a refund. You are entitled to it if the company cancelled your holiday

We went away for a weekend around 4 months after placement and it was a nightmare. LO screamed all night and was very distressed. When we got home and I popped her in her high chair she visibly relaxed and sighed.
3 months later she was happy to go away.
We couldn’t take her abroad for ages as it took us 13 months to get our adoption order so we couldn’t get a passport. Our SW didn’t offer to get one organised.

We adopted our son when he was 8 months and we took him to the states for s family wedding just after his first birthday.
He was fine.
I think an older child might find it a bit more difficult but if your child is well attached to you then as long as you are there they should be ok.

You'll know your child and what they can cope with. I think it is a bit different with a very young child. My son was a newborn when he was placed and we went away within the UK pre-adoption order several times from when he was about three months. He was well attached and I was his security (rather than his surroundings or even routine) - we both really enjoyed getting away. At 8 months we travelled half way across the world, I'm lucky in that he has always been a great traveller - 3 years on and with Covid we are both missing our travels :-)
But it is true every child is different - but as long as he is well attached and you aren't stressed most likely it will be fine. Good luck with everything! Exiting times!

Younger babies will have attachment and relinquishment trauma, they have been taken away from their mother, which means they will be much more sensitive to change. If I were you, I would try and get a refund on your holiday, or wait until after adopting. Useful video here to help understand relinquishment trauma https://www.center4familydevelop.com/adoptionaddiction-paulsunderland.htmlwww.center4familydevelop.com/adoptionaddiction-paulsunderland.html

This thread is 2.5 years old ! The holiday if it happened would have done so a long time ago.

@Glenlivet makes a great point saying that younger babies have trauma and Attachment like older children.

In fact younger babies will go through loads of trauma and Attachment and will likely be incredibly sensitive to change. Think of FTA Placements. The child continuously going back and forth from Placement Carers to birth parents.

@Chocapple I think @LizzyfromBraveryandBelongingdotcom were promoting their blog!