"Anti-adoption"

[user1479136681]

I'm keen to read about adoptees' experiences so I've been following lots of twitter accounts and I ended up falling down an anti-adoption rabbit hole. I think many of the accounts are American so it's a bit different from here. But it's got me feeling all mixed up and guilty for the fact that my son isn't with birth family, even though of course that's not my fault!

We're still pretty early in placement anyway (5 months) so I'm still getting used to being mummy. I'm staying away from twitter from now on!!

The US adoption system is very different so please bear this in mind. I too fell down that hole a bit, I joined the adoption reddit group and goodness me did I regret it, just full of adoptees seemingly wanting to put people off adopting at all - all the positive posts went downhill fast as well.

Has your SW arranged any meetings with adoptees? We had a few set up for us during stage 2 and it was really useful.

I was also on that reddit group! I had to come off it and deleted my account. There were people on there saying they were anti-adoption in ANY circumstances even from foster care because parents should get rehabilitation (I mean in an ideal world yes but we all know that will take a long time...)

We were supposed to have talks from an adoptee in our training but they weren't able to make it in the end, that is a great idea though, I will talk to our SW :)

I am a US adoptee. I have had to mute the FB adoption groups. I was originally looking for support to contact my birth family and general insight into a shared psychological experience. The groups made me crazy.

It is a very different process in the UK. I'd steer well clear.

I follow a couple of accounts run by people who were adopted and those who are anti adoption on them often have bad relationships with their adopted parents and there are common themes:

1. they have been denied their identity because their parents are 'colour' or 'race' blind. This includes international as well as interracial adoption. In the USA some adults have discovered that despite being adopted by US citizens they themselves have not got citizenship.

2. they have been denied their identity because state laws do not allow them access to information about birth family and their parents refused to share any.

3. they feel they have been treated differently to birth children and describe events in their lives to prove this.

4. their parents refuse to allow them access to things like photos and videos taken as they were growing up.

5. they are sick are being expected to feel grateful for being adopted by their parents and resent/take issue with the (white) saviour narrative around adoption.

I find they are useful because these are things I can take into account as an adoptive parent. I actually left one UK adoption Facebook group because it focused very much on the members needs and failed to acknowledge the impact being adopted has on a child.

I fell down the same whole until I realised that the major issue is that a large part of adoption in the US is a business and is akin to human trafficking. In fact the adoption industry is one of those lobbying against abortion rights.

In my own experience as an adoptee (UK), the most harmful thing I've experience has been the expectation that I should always be "grateful" and never think about/contact my birth family or want to know about my heritage, as if there was a "reset" button when the adoption order went through.

It's important to recognise and respect the whole adoption triangle (child, birth parents, adoptive parents). Terms like "gotcha day" and "the lucky few" are hugely disrespectful and should be avoided.

The ones I have seen - not many, admittedly, just some on twitter - they are (a) talking about some very difficult experiences they have had and (b) get angry about being told how to feel or criticised for not being grateful (like a pp has said) by adopters or anyone else. I think if you can read and try to see things from their perspective then doing so is always useful, but if it affects you negatively or your time is better spent with your LO at the moment that is fine too.

Anti-adoption is really about being anti-how-adoption-and-child-in-need is done at the moment and the 2018 independent enquiry into adoption also found that there is such a dearth of research and statistics available that adoption as a practice is not supported sufficient ie more research is needed in order to improve and inform adoption practice so if you wanted to read their comments you could read in that context.

I don't know how many adoptees feel similarly in the UK. There are differences in practice and also in culture compared to the US but fundamentally we are talking about relationship breakdowns which is more universal and it is likely that there will be adoptees who feel the same in the UK.

Many adoptees do not feel they fit with the groups you mention and have not had similar very difficult experiences still want to be able to talk about experiences and feelings, and you might find those sorts of discussion easier to read, but afaik there is no such site as yet. A few of adoptees on mumsnet have said before it would be good to have such a section on mumsnet.

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. It is a very complex topic. @GoshHashana really appreciate your input. I also hate terms like "gotcha day" I hope our son doesn't feel like he has to be grateful, really we feel grateful to him because we wanted to be parents and now we are. I'm really surprised by how many people have told us we're doing an "amazing" thing and we're really great etc. We just wanted to be parents.

@ifchocolatewerecelery wow, I knew the US adoption industry (ew) is dodgy but not that it's lobbying against abortion rights, that's awful. It's a really messed up country. I used to watch Teen Mom and one of the girls on their placed her baby for adoption with a really dodgy agency. It is not the same here, but arguably the cuts to our welfare state and support etc mean that there are babies who would have stayed with their birth parents if they had been born 10 years ago for example. I'd like our son to have some kind of relationship with his birth family especially his siblings.

@sassygromit a group like that on mumsnet would be so useful. I think I'm going to take a break from reading the adoptee groups at the moment but hold it in mind to inform my parenting. One day maybe when I feel more secure as a parent myself I'll go back in. I think I'm really worried that I'll be a horrible parent and my son will be posting in these groups one day!!

but hold it in mind to inform my parenting actually I am not sure reading it informs parenting, that isn't what I meant anyway. I think that reading things like "ahaparenting.com" informs parenting...

My parenting, your parenting, all parenting, parents mess up. But things like our intention and our efforts will make a difference to whether or not we have happy dc and dc who want to have a relationship with us as adults. We have a lot of information nowadays about how to parent to bring up happy people who fulfil their potential, and dc will pick up on our efforts and intentions and it will make a difference - just like it would in any relationship.

If you read the "stately homes" thread it gives insight into failed parent child relationships and this is along the same lines.

an "amazing" thing and we're really great etc. We just wanted to be parents. I think it is okay to feel both these things and more. That you did a great thing, that you just wanted to be parents,that you really wanted a child, that parenting is hard - all of it.