Meltdowns

[Aswegoalong]

We are in the process of fostering to adopt now and have done most of the introductions. In three days, he moves in permanently. He is adorable and most of the time it's going really well. The fly in the ointment is the fear of his meltdowns. Sometimes he's ok with nappy changes etc but other times it sends him into a tailspin and he can't stop crying, won't be comforted etc. This isn't just with us, I've seen it with the foster carer too. She says he's just unusually strong willed and that's how it is but i think there is something to be said for giving him a dummy, particularly as we are nearing the point where he is about to be separated from the only carer he can remember. He's 18 months and he's been with her for 14 of those. Any experience of similar? I've read a post from someone who used a sleep soothing dummy with adopted DS but has anyone used it during day?

So he doesn't have a dummy at all now? I'm not an expert but it seems quite late to be introducing a dummy and I'm not convinced it will give the desired result. That is a difficult age for nappies as they realise they don't have to be passive and compliant. Are you using distraction toys when you change him? We had a noisy flashy toy that was exclusively for nappies so he had plenty to think about and didn't focus on the nappy so much. It needs to be a toy that he can't have at any other time. It can also help if you can get his agreement but that does take a bit of work and patience. Get a changing mat on the floor and sit next to it. Show him the nappy and the shiny toy and see if he'll come to you. At that age you could probably reel him in with your mobile phone screen as a last resort as long as that's the only time he sees it. If it doesn't work at first then try a couple of minutes later. If you can actually get it to be his choice it is so much easier. Don't forget to thank him and praise him when he gets it right.

If he's not using a dummy already, don't give him one, it's too late as it will affect his speech and potentially his teeth. There are lots of alternatives available for him to suck/chew in order to soothe. Have a look at teething stuff or chewelry/chewigems instead.

Also consider switching to pull up style nappies if you're not already using them. Whilst they are more expensive that traditional nappies, you can easily change a child sitting on you or standing up. We also did changes on the floor with our legs either side and gave a toy to distract as well as talked through what we were doing.

Hey there I have a toddler boy and totally get the nappy resistance thing ! It can be an absolute nightmare at the best of times and that's without not being bonded with the child in question her, so tough. I'm not anti dummy by any means (my little one was 13ms when adopted now 21ms and we've gradually reduced to a night time dummy only and I'm not gonna put myself on a guilt trip for letting him have that for now) but I would tend to agree with others that a baby of that age not used to a dummy may not get much from it now and not sure if it'll solve the issue. It varies a lot but I've found with mine (tho terrible 2s surely to come!) That 17/18m was a particularly intense time for tantrums. It coincides with a lot of things like speech development, growth spurts etc usually for us. On a practical point I personally found moving to nappy pants around this age really helpful. It's a lot easier with less faffing with those god awful straps which can prolong the experience! So can get it done quicker. Distraction toys do help but tbh at that age I think the jig is up a little bit with that. Most aren't fooled or easily distracted at that age! But I would agree something "grown up" to play with for nappy changes can help that is a novelty - keys might be good or anything grown up! Only problem is wrestling it away from them after! Not sure how you feel about tv but sumx a bit of a background programme on at those times can help distract and pacify. If you have a pet get them in on the action too! Seems to be nothing they love more than cooing over animals at that stage and can be a nice distraction. Failing that (and I know this sounds counterintuitive) it may be a case of sort of gearing yourself up for changes. Knowing in advance it's going to be a meltdown sort of accepting that'll be what it'll be and pushing through it. I've got better at tuning out of screaming over time but it takes a while! Is there any other times he finds particularly stressful other than nappies?

It depends on what your aim is - if it’s to stop him getting upset, a dummy might help but I agree with others that it’s quite late in the day now to introduce one. If your aim is to build security and safety I’d be accepting he might become upset, soothe and talk calmly to him, distract him but change him quickly without fuss.

You said you fear his meltdowns, what’s the fear about?

Pull Up nappies where the cure for our Little one. He would never ever sit for a nappy change, full on meltdown. We got him pull ups and change him stood up. Worked wonders.

Thank you very much everyone for your words of support. It's really helpful to hear from others with experience of adoption. We are only really just starting to get to know him, I think this is the eighth full day we've spent together and he is sleeping at ours for the first time tonight. There's been a lot of tension transitioning him from his foster carers who had him from 4 months to 19 months (partly cos of Covid delays) and then they put their foot down with social services to get him moved post haste. We've had 10 days induction so it's more intense than otherwise. @Jellycatspyjamas I think that's where the fear comes from. @veejayteekay he does have meltdowns for other things. We seem to have done OK with nappy changes for last 24 hours. Yesterday's meltdown was other little things like him wanting to play outside when we were about to drive him home. We are scared because we are taking on an unknown quantity and don't feel we've had that much transparency from the foster parents (keen to move him on) or social services (don't seem to know him very well). And we've never been parents before!!

Ah that makes perfect sense - to be honest I’d keep riding things out for now, his meltdowns are possibly the only way he has to communicate how scared, confused and upset he is. It’s super early days, I think the meltdowns won’t sort until he feels much much more safe - at the moment he (and you) are going through a massive transition and I’d on some level be glad he’s at least expressing something albeit it’s very hard to watch and very hard to care for him when he’s upset.

Meltdowns very normal for this age. Remember he will sense that things are changing and he will be scared and meltdowns are a way of expressing his frustration/fear/confusion.
Another vote for pull ups. I doubt he would start taking a dummy at 18 months.

I think at that age meltdowns are quite common due to the lack of communication skills. With my 1.5 year old the only thing that worked when he went into full meltdown mode was to pick him up and hug him until he calmed down. Sometimes he wouldn’t let us do it so we would just let him cry and scream for 5 minutes (i.e. give him some space) and then he would let us pick him up and hug him. His meltdowns decreased in frequency and severity over time. He is now 3.5 years old and maybe has one meltdown
every month. Anyway, good luck and you just need lots and lots of patience at this age.