Felt bad for shouting at DD

[Daisydolittleboo]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3975422-To-feel-awful-that-I-shouted-at-DD?pg=1

Made this thread in AIBU yesterday as I felt awful after shouting at DD. Just posting here to see if anyone has anymore advice.
Thank you so much x

I haven't read your other thread so no idea if you had supportive responses

Its happened, no point beating yourself up about it , we all lose it at some point. It doesn't make you a bad mum, it makes you human.
Our children can be relentless, you do the best you can. Say sorry to her for being a grumpy mummy but you were sad because of ( whatever behaviour ended up with you shouting) and lets both try to be kinder to each other. Give her a kiss and leave it behind.

@Ted27

I haven't read your other thread so no idea if you had supportive responses

Its happened, no point beating yourself up about it , we all lose it at some point. It doesn't make you a bad mum, it makes you human.
Our children can be relentless, you do the best you can. Say sorry to her for being a grumpy mummy but you were sad because of ( whatever behaviour ended up with you shouting) and lets both try to be kinder to each other. Give her a kiss and leave it behind.

@ted27 It happened right before bedtime yesterday. I put her to bed and thought about what had happened and went back up 10 minutes later and kissed her goodnight and had cuddles and apologised to her.

One of the posts on the thread really annoyed me as the poster said I shouldn't have apologised and gave her cuddles and kisses goodnight.

This was my first post on the other thread incase anyone didn't see it:
"Regular on adoption boards but also regular NC'r

DD(5 yo) has been home since the start of lockdown.

She is emotionally 18months- 2 years below her age

She is also very wilful. I have no idea if this an 'adoption thing' or an 'age thing'. If I ask her not to do something, she has to do it once more... Often while watching me.

We have a 19 year old cat who is scared of DD and DS, but the DC have, on the whole, been brilliant with her and left her alone.

Tonight DD has been in a tearful mood (another disrupted night last night)

She started stroking the cat who was visibly upset by it so I said, gently, leave the cat alone darling, look she's scared. At this point DD stroked her again.

I wasn't annoyed on behalf of the cat - I'm annoyed that she Never Bloody Listens.

I picked her up and moved her away from the cat at which point she started crying saying 'I didn't want you to do that'

I yelled 'well I didn't want you to touch the cat either but you did'

Then she started crying more and saying she wanted her birth father and birth mother (she's never done this before)

I calmed down, apologised for shouting and explained sometimes Mummy's get cross too. I said I still loved her but didn't like her when she didn't listen (I know, I know... I should have said I didn't like the behaviour)

I said I knew her missing her birth mother and father was difficult but me and DH loved her.

I feel awful. This wasn't just a raised voice, this was yelling.

Could just do with a bit of handholding."

I don’t want to offend you, but I think you are being a bit dramatic. All parents lose their cool every now and again, and to be honest sometimes (even with adopted children) raising your voice or being strict is the only thing that seems to work on some occasions. Obviously we should all strive to be understanding and to react calmly, and apply the therapeutic parenting approaches we’ve all learned, but we’re all humans and we are not perfect. It’s good that you said sorry to her and explained that you could have reacted another way, since that teaches her a valuable lesson and the important of apologising. But overall I think you are being excessively hard on yourself.

The other thing I would add is that all kids test boundaries. For example, by doing the exact opposite of what they are being told while looking you in the eye. This is something my kids occasionally do when they are trying to defy me. For me it’s all about applying consequences. For example, in your case, after asking her not to do it, I would have moved her away from the cat just like you did and tell her why I did that and why she shouldn’t do what she did.

I think it is also obvious that on some unconscious level she knows that saying that she wants her birth mother and father upsets you and again this is her trying to push your buttons. The best thing to do when she says that is to say something like - well I am your forever mum and we are a family.

@JohnPA

I don’t want to offend you, but I think you are being a bit dramatic. All parents lose their cool every now and again, and to be honest sometimes (even with adopted children) raising your voice or being strict is the only thing that seems to work on some occasions. Obviously we should all strive to be understanding and to react calmly, and apply the therapeutic parenting approaches we’ve all learned, but we’re all humans and we are not perfect. It’s good that you said sorry to her and explained that you could have reacted another way, since that teaches her a valuable lesson and the important of apologising. But overall I think you are being excessively hard on yourself.

The other thing I would add is that all kids test boundaries. For example, by doing the exact opposite of what they are being told while looking you in the eye. This is something my kids occasionally do when they are trying to defy me. For me it’s all about applying consequences. For example, in your case, after asking her not to do it, I would have moved her away from the cat just like you did and tell her why I did that and why she shouldn’t do what she did.

I think it is also obvious that on some unconscious level she knows that saying that she wants her birth mother and father upsets you and again this is her trying to push your buttons. The best thing to do when she says that is to say something like - well I am your forever mum and we are a family.

@JohnPA

Don't worry you haven't offended me.

I felt I had to apologise to her.

It wasn't really the moving her away from the cat that I wasn't happy with myself about. It was the fact that she gets scared if touched without warning so I always warn her before I touch her but in the moment I just forget and didn't warn her that I was about to pick her up.

That's good I will say that in future when she says she wants her birth mother or father.

Had a really good day today, Baking cakes, eating them, laughing giggling, playing games, having cuddles. I feel a lot better today compared to last night. DD is up in bed now all tucked in after we read a story and had cuddles and kissed goodnight.

I've read a lot of the comments on the other thread and was pleasantly surprised at how supportive they were on there with plenty of good advice from adopters, non-adopters and adoptees. There was a bit of nonsense thrown in but you don't have to listen to everyone. So I don't feel like I can add much except that you should ignore the comment that's irritating you about apologising and giving kisses and cuddles. Bedtime is absolutely when we should be showing love, affection and reassurance to our children regardless of how things have gone that day. In fact the bad days are the ones when you need more kisses and cuddles. Sounds like you've had a much better day today which is great.

@sunshineandskyscrapers

I will just ignore the nonsense comments, especially the one saying I shouldn't have apologised and gave kisses and cuddles.

At bedtime I always show love, reassurance and affection no matter what has happened in the day. As you say, on the bad days showing love and affection is even more important as it shows that we love them no matter what they do.

Yesterday was a much better day, in fact I can't think of a bad thing that happened yesterday.

We have had another wonderful day today too, DD hasn't stop smiling again all day.

Honestly therapeutic parenting is brilliant and it's absolutely right that we are encouraged to practice it but I reckon it's pretty much impossible to be 100% therapeutic all of the time. I also think that kids do need to see you slip up once in a while as they need to know that you are human and that it's not actually normal or realistic to have complete control of your emotions all of the time. You had a blip. You've done the important thing and recognised that and talked it through with your daughter. And it's very early days. Give yourself a break or you'll drive yourself mad and here's the ironic part... you'll be more tense and MORE likely to do similar or worse in the future and then it'll become a perpetual cycle of shame and anxiety for you and your daughter. Move on and know that you're probably doing an amazing job. Good luck xx

PS absolutely right to give lots if kisses and cuddles.... YOU CAN'T SPOIL A CHILD WITH LOVE x

@Jannt86

Honestly therapeutic parenting is brilliant and it's absolutely right that we are encouraged to practice it but I reckon it's pretty much impossible to be 100% therapeutic all of the time. I also think that kids do need to see you slip up once in a while as they need to know that you are human and that it's not actually normal or realistic to have complete control of your emotions all of the time. You had a blip. You've done the important thing and recognised that and talked it through with your daughter. And it's very early days. Give yourself a break or you'll drive yourself mad and here's the ironic part... you'll be more tense and MORE likely to do similar or worse in the future and then it'll become a perpetual cycle of shame and anxiety for you and your daughter. Move on and know that you're probably doing an amazing job. Good luck xx

@Jannt86

I did feel a lot better once I had apologised and talked it through with her.
I have moved on from it now but will try my best not to let it happen again xx

@Jannt86

PS absolutely right to give lots if kisses and cuddles.... YOU CAN'T SPOIL A CHILD WITH LOVE x

@Jannt86

That's why I did straight away after to show DD that my love is unconditional and that I will always love her no matter what happens.