Grandparent resources? trying to bring my mother onboard

[Rwoolley]

Currently still in stage one and have just completed our homework.

Throughout the process my mother has a been a bit iffy about adoption as a whole, she is our main support system and will be very, very involved in our child's life as my father has moved to the other side of the world and my husband's parents are estranged from us.

I have tried talking to her and getting her to understand she can have concerns for me as her daughter, but she needs to sort herself out really and start being more supportive, I think if there were some resources or even courses for grandparents of adopted children that might help too.

Does anyone know if there is any support/online stuff for grandparents of adopted children to help?

TIA

*as to not drip feed she is iffy due to a few reasons, I am still quite young (25) and have actively chosen to not have biological children, and have not decided on adoption due to infertility. She is worried she won't bond or love an adopted child as much as if my husband and I had one of our own, my brother has Aspergers and (this sounds awful) but it has really made my life, her life and my father's life pretty awful having to constantly care for him, she has been researching the number of children in care with additional needs and is worried I am signing myself up for a life of difficulty (like she has had with my brother)

I totally understand all her concerns, but I just want her to be supportive, I am an adult who has made these decisions and am willing to take the risks (as there is no guarantee if we had our own child they wouldn't have additional needs) I really think if she understood more she might be less iffy about the whole thing.

There's a book called Related by Adoption that my agency recommend (quite basic). Maybe that could help?

Good luck!

Should have said recommended...It was a few years ago!

My adoption agency (LA) offer training sessions similar to the stage1/2 training for any family of friends who wish to do it. Maybe ask your social worker if they offer the same?
My mother in law did it and found it very helpful!

Our council offered a training session for grandparents/family. Maybe ask if yours has anything similar

I wonder if anyone on here has a parent who would be willing to chat to your mum when you are further down the line? If that might help? We “chose” adoption but were older and same sex so a different scenario to you.

@Weekends

There's a book called Related by Adoption that my agency recommend (quite basic). Maybe that could help?

Good luck!

Thank you for this suggestion, have ordered the book

@Fakinit03

My adoption agency (LA) offer training sessions similar to the stage1/2 training for any family of friends who wish to do it. Maybe ask your social worker if they offer the same? My mother in law did it and found it very helpful!

Wasn't even aware this was an option so will definitely check with them - thank you so much for the suggestion

Like what others have said, related by Adoption’ is a very good read. I’ve read it and it is an easy read, not too long but it is helpful. Plenty of suggestions in there. Also, like others have said, most agencies, especially LA offer a friends and family course. Gives a great insight

I wonder if including her in your journey would maybe help her to understand a bit more. It may seem that she doesn’t know enough about adoption to understand it completely. I don’t mean to sound like I’m teaching you how to suck eggs but I found it helpful to tell my friends/family about the process, what we have learned, books we’ve read, tv programs we’ve watched, what happened on the courses and in our meetings etc. It may just help put her mind at rest to know the reality of adoption.

@PaintedLadyWBB

I wonder if including her in your journey would maybe help her to understand a bit more. It may seem that she doesn’t know enough about adoption to understand it completely. I don’t mean to sound like I’m teaching you how to suck eggs but I found it helpful to tell my friends/family about the process, what we have learned, books we’ve read, tv programs we’ve watched, what happened on the courses and in our meetings etc. It may just help put her mind at rest to know the reality of adoption.

Thank you for this, I must admit I'm quite a lone wolf so she hasn't been as involved as she probably should have been so will definitely start bringing her in more.

My difficulty is that her concern aren't unfounded, so it's not trying to disprove her ideas/concerns more trying to make her see they're either not as bad as she thinks or get her to the point where she is 'over' it

She is definitely one of those grandparents who always saw it as her in the delivery room, cuddles with a new born and it's just getting her to the point of understanding although she won't get the grandparent experience she has dreamt of, this one will be different and that's ok

Rwoolley you don't need to answer this if you don't want to but what do you mean being your mum being a "...main support system and will be very, very involved in our child's life."

What do you think she will be doing and how quickly do you expected her to be involved in your new child's life?

By the time we had our birth child (now a teen) my mum was quite old and fairly soon showed signed of dementia. By the time our adopted son joined our family, my mum was in a care home and was not able to be a support at all.

My husband's parents do support us with words, gifts and very occasional times of looking after the kids. And moral support.

Our main support has been friends with similar aged kids. Both our children had a dedication and have God parents and some (about half the God parents) have been amazing stars. They live close by and have babysat, looked after kids and collected from school etc when needed.

I guess I just wanted to prompt you to think a little more about your support network and what they will provide in the long term.

Rwoolley, I am an adoptive grandmother and I’d also support the suggestion of involving your mother in the process if you’re comfortable with that. My daughter talked with me about all that was going on and honestly, I learned so much and found it fascinating. This also helped me to be supportive when necessary, even if it was just making time to chat over a cuppa. Once my grandchild was placed, I became the main go-to person in their support network (I live nearby and have time!) and have a lovely relationship with my grandchild, whom I love every bit as much as my birth grandchildren. Yes, it is different, but just as wonderful. If you involve your mother in the early stages, it may well make a big difference. I hope all goes well for you x

@Italiangreyhound

Rwoolley you don't need to answer this if you don't want to but what do you mean being your mum being a "...main support system and will be very, very involved in our child's life."

What do you think she will be doing and how quickly do you expected her to be involved in your new child's life?

By the time we had our birth child (now a teen) my mum was quite old and fairly soon showed signed of dementia. By the time our adopted son joined our family, my mum was in a care home and was not able to be a support at all.

My husband's parents do support us with words, gifts and very occasional times of looking after the kids. And moral support.

Our main support has been friends with similar aged kids. Both our children had a dedication and have God parents and some (about half the God parents) have been amazing stars. They live close by and have babysat, looked after kids and collected from school etc when needed.

I guess I just wanted to prompt you to think a little more about your support network and what they will provide in the long term.

As we don't really have any other close (emotionally or geographically) family she is our core familial support, having our child over the summer, she would be our emergency baby sitter if they were ill and neither of us could get work off (unlikely but still)

She is still quite young herself and will start the process of early retirement once our child is placed (if we are approved that is) so she can be more hands on if required.

@MrsMatty

Rwoolley, I am an adoptive grandmother and I’d also support the suggestion of involving your mother in the process if you’re comfortable with that. My daughter talked with me about all that was going on and honestly, I learned so much and found it fascinating. This also helped me to be supportive when necessary, even if it was just making time to chat over a cuppa. Once my grandchild was placed, I became the main go-to person in their support network (I live nearby and have time!) and have a lovely relationship with my grandchild, whom I love every bit as much as my birth grandchildren. Yes, it is different, but just as wonderful. If you involve your mother in the early stages, it may well make a big difference. I hope all goes well for you x

Thank you for this, at the start since she seemed so iffy I seized up and shut her out a bit as I didn't want her to make me doubt my decision (silly but still) I now realise that might not have been the best route so have reached out and seen if she wants to have more chats about the process and once stage 2 has started will ask the SW if she can join any of the sessions

Hi there OP,
Does your Mum know you plan for her to be your main source of support post adoption? Picking up on your point about additional needs- I can see how after raising a son with ASD (presumably alone if your father is on the other side of the world?) , she might have reached a point where she has ‘given’ as much as she can. We had a similar situation in our family where a grandparent withdrew when a grandchild was diagnosed with significant additional needs. I would echo the other comments about building as broad support network as you can.
Good luck

*As we don't really have any other close (emotionally or geographically) family she is our core familial support, having our child over the summer, she would be our emergency baby sitter if they were ill and neither of us could get work off (unlikely but still)

She is still quite young herself and will start the process of early retirement once our child is placed (if we are approved that is) so she can be more hands on if required.*

You need other options as well, or the money to pay for childcare. Your mum might not want to do this, or might not be able to. Something could happen to her in the next few years (I know plenty of people who hot cancer early 60s and it's not a good idea to do intensive chemo and take care of a snotty baby at the same time). The chance of additional needs is higher in adoptive children than biological, do with her background she might not want to. It doesn't sound like she is on board yet, so how can you decide that she will do years of childcare for you as the only longterm optiion? I don't see this going well. Did you talk to her that you want her to spend her whole summers taking care of your child? Because that's presumably not her idea of retirement.

OP, in the nicest possible way, I think stage 2 is likely to involve a lot more questions being asked about your potential over-dependence for support on one family member who has serious reservations about adoption and who has felt her own life was negatively impacted longterm by the additional needs of her birth child.

You acknowledge at one point that her concerns aren't without foundation, but you mostly post as though it's a matter of her pulling up her socks, getting over her delivery room fantasies and starting to support you properly, but as a pp said, this is a woman who has brought up a child with additional needs herself, and, frankly, may not be willing or capable of doing so again in her 60s, especially if it involves retiring from work to do so.

I think at the very least you need to broaden your support base and at least consider the possibility that your mother might never be able to provide the kind of major practical support she's currently pencilled in for. (For what it's worth, my mother would have been exactly the same.)

@DazzleCamouflage

OP, in the nicest possible way, I think stage 2 is likely to involve a lot more questions being asked about your potential over-dependence for support on one family member who has serious reservations about adoption and who has felt her own life was negatively impacted longterm by the additional needs of her birth child.

You acknowledge at one point that her concerns aren't without foundation, but you mostly post as though it's a matter of her pulling up her socks, getting over her delivery room fantasies and starting to support you properly, but as a pp said, this is a woman who has brought up a child with additional needs herself, and, frankly, may not be willing or capable of doing so again in her 60s, especially if it involves retiring from work to do so.

I think at the very least you need to broaden your support base and at least consider the possibility that your mother might never be able to provide the kind of major practical support she's currently pencilled in for. (For what it's worth, my mother would have been exactly the same.)

It's hardly dependence, she lives a couple of hours away. However she is an active grandparent and will be for our child, hence why this is hard for her to come to term with.

We have other support. I said she will be our main form of practical support, not only

@Isthisfinallyit

*As we don't really have any other close (emotionally or geographically) family she is our core familial support, having our child over the summer, she would be our emergency baby sitter if they were ill and neither of us could get work off (unlikely but still)

She is still quite young herself and will start the process of early retirement once our child is placed (if we are approved that is) so she can be more hands on if required.*

You need other options as well, or the money to pay for childcare. Your mum might not want to do this, or might not be able to. Something could happen to her in the next few years (I know plenty of people who hot cancer early 60s and it's not a good idea to do intensive chemo and take care of a snotty baby at the same time). The chance of additional needs is higher in adoptive children than biological, do with her background she might not want to. It doesn't sound like she is on board yet, so how can you decide that she will do years of childcare for you as the only longterm optiion? I don't see this going well. Did you talk to her that you want her to spend her whole summers taking care of your child? Because that's presumably not her idea of retirement.

Not sure where I said we needed her to baby sit. She lives a couple of hours away and we have friends near by and options for child care (paid) I never said she was our only support...

We don't need her for anything, she wants to be involved in grand children's lives (and is already an active grand parent) hence why this is hard for her as it's very different to how she 'planned' it and she has no control over that.

@Boscoismyspiritanimal

Hi there OP, Does your Mum know you plan for her to be your main source of support post adoption? Picking up on your point about additional needs- I can see how after raising a son with ASD (presumably alone if your father is on the other side of the world?) , she might have reached a point where she has ‘given’ as much as she can. We had a similar situation in our family where a grandparent withdrew when a grandchild was diagnosed with significant additional needs. I would echo the other comments about building as broad support network as you can. Good luck

She is our main family support, not main support in general and she wants to be the core baby sitter, she is already a very active grandparent and would do the same for our child.

@MrsMatty you sound like an amazing grandparent.

OP it is a bit unclear how much your mum has signed up for. You said "...she is our core familial support, having our child over the summer, she would be our emergency baby sitter if they were ill and neither of us could get work off (unlikely but still)"

Having our child over the summer is quite a big commitment if you mean very regularly. My lovely in laws traditionally had our kids, one birth and one adopted about two seperate days over the summer holidays.

The summer holidays are hard to find childcare. I am very lucky I only work part time so could jiggle things around. At times I took my kids to my office work, in the end they did not want to go and o had to find alternatives.

Your child

[quote Italiangreyhound]@MrsMatty you sound like an amazing grandparent.

OP it is a bit unclear how much your mum has signed up for. You said "...she is our core familial support, having our child over the summer, she would be our emergency baby sitter if they were ill and neither of us could get work off (unlikely but still)"

Having our child over the summer is quite a big commitment if you mean very regularly. My lovely in laws traditionally had our kids, one birth and one adopted about two seperate days over the summer holidays.

The summer holidays are hard to find childcare. I am very lucky I only work part time so could jiggle things around. At times I took my kids to my office work, in the end they did not want to go and o had to find alternatives.[/quote]
She has her other grand children for 3 weeks out of the summer and wouldn't want ours to feel left out and hopes to have them all at the same time.

We have always been on the same page in regards to what she wants (level of involvement) tbh she would have grand kids all the time if she could.

This isn't me just assuming she will have them in the summer

Could your mum be grieving for the "normal" grandchildren she hoped she'd have?

The genetic link matters to some people, and even if it can be "got over", grieving that she won't have grandchildren from you with a genetic link could take her time and work.

Some grandparents never get over the need for a genetic link. Some grandparents always view the adopted children as "other". For some people, the blood link is really important. If that's the case, would you manage?

She's not obliged to support you. You can hope she will. Hope she'll come round, hope she'll learn to love your children. But what if she doesn't? You can't force it.

@maidmorion

Could your mum be grieving for the "normal" grandchildren she hoped she'd have?

The genetic link matters to some people, and even if it can be "got over", grieving that she won't have grandchildren from you with a genetic link could take her time and work.

Some grandparents never get over the need for a genetic link. Some grandparents always view the adopted children as "other". For some people, the blood link is really important. If that's the case, would you manage?

She's not obliged to support you. You can hope she will. Hope she'll come round, hope she'll learn to love your children. But what if she doesn't? You can't force it.

Definitely think it's down to this, she is a very active grand parent to her other grand children but they came from my step sister and she has always said she loves them but deep down doesn't feel as connected to them compared to her husband. I know she will love them and care for them once it's all gone through, she is that kind of person, loves kids regardless of where they're from, but I think she is definitely mourning the potential loss of ever having birth grand children and I just want to help educate her around the process a bit more as she is just going onto adoption agencies and reading the odd blog post and getting worried.