New social worker and delays

[EnergyCreatesReality]

Feeling very fed up with the process at the moment. We moved into stage 2 at the beginning of June and had a bit of a delay while they assigned us with a new social worker. We were a bit disappointed as we felt we had got on really well with the stage 1 SW but went with it. Had 2 virtual meetings with her, panel date booked for September, started our training only to now be told that she's leaving and they've decided to allocate us with a new SW now rather than half way through the process.

I understand the reasons but it means we now have a wait, possibly another 2 weeks to be allocated a new SW then we have to get to know them again. We've also had a call this morning to say that because of the delay they've had permission to push our panel date back by 4 weeks.

It's taken us such a long journey to get to this point. We keep debating whether we should start buying baby/toddler things but there doesn't seem any point at the moment as it just feels like it's never going to happen.

Hope things get moving soon and you get a helpful SW. I get how frustrating it can all be!
Good luck

So sorry you are goiNg
through this op. It is not an unfamiliar story. A couple on our Prep group got through I think about 4 social workers in all and the process left them so exhausted I think they have sadly decided to stop at one as they don’t feel they can face it again. We got moved and delayed to a neighbouring authority due to a flurry of staff leaving the team. Nod and smile. Nod and smile.

Thanks both, feeling really down about it all today. My DH on the other hand is still upbeat, his thinking is we've taken so long to get to this point what's another 4 weeks. I think I'm just more impatient than he is!

I was the same!!

These delays are so frustrating!!!

This is essentially the whole adoption process unfortunately.... even once you are matched/linked - there seem to be delays and never delays of just like a couple of days, always like you say - 2 weeks or a month!!

Good luck - nothing I can say apart from gentle nudge emails/calls to sw that stay positive are always good.

I hear your disappointment and really feel for you but, in the most gentle way possible, you’ll need to be much more patient and more resilient. The adoption process is complex and beset by all kinds of delays at the best of times - the current climate has added all kinds of problems to be overcome. In reality 4 weeks is absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things in adoption terms, and my guess is there will be other delays along the way, because social work is complex, demanding, challenging work with shifting priorities all the time. While adoption assessments are hugely important, they’re usually the least urgent thing on a social workers desk.

For perspective I’m a C&F social worker, I specialise in working with trauma and my approval process took 3 years from start to approval panel, most of the delay was life stuff - illness, bereavement, family stuff that got in the way but that’s how long it took.

I wouldn’t start buying anything just yet until you have some idea of the child/children you’re being matched with - certainly not until you’re through the approval process because you may change your mind about ages etc through the process.

I know it’s frustrating, but it honestly will take as long as it takes - your mental health will be helped by not stressing about how long.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I can understand how stressful it is and especially considering that good social workers are hard to come by. Like what jellycatspyjamas said, you have to be patient and the process will come with all sorts of delays. It’s the way it goes unfortunately. We had a month delay because we went on holiday and then the SW was on holiday. Panel was delayed due to medical information missing. There will always be something. But you have to look at the bigger picture. Why are you doing this? Your child will be out there waiting for you whether you have 1 delay or 10 delays. Try not to worry, I know it’s easier said than done. I never believed anyone when they said that to me. It all works out in the end

@EnergyCreatesReality I am sorry it is tough. These things always feel hard when you are in he middle of them.

Please do not buy anything until you have been matched and know the age of the child and what they may or may not be bringing with them. It may end up as a just be a waste of energy and money and very frustrating for you if you buy stuff and do not get to use it.

A two week delay is not very much, and it's quite normal to have a few social workers. We had three.

How long has it been so far since your initial meeting with the first social worker?

Hey there I wish I could help your delay for you as I really so get what it's like but in the absence just sending a holding hands for support. Others are right that the process will be full of waiting and it's true that resilience is important. I don't think it's humanly possible to be patient through this process. Ppl will advise you to be but nobody knows your story and I remember feeling quite frustrated when advised this as altho completely right from a certain point of view to highlight that this is a core component of the process, no one knows your personal story and the waiting that has come before this in the years before. So whilst yes it's true objectively that a few weeks is neither uncommon nor really that long, it is just inevitable that it will be bound to feel like an age when you have so much emotionally invested in this and expecting yourself to be truly patient and okay with this is unrealistic. I found it far more helpful to forgive myself and accept my feelings of impatience in a mindful way - recognise that this was what I was feeling and that nothing much I could do was going to change that feeling but also try to channel it. I was never very good at just sitting about and going with the flow but I did recognise I needed not to constantly bombard social workers with emails so instead I did things that made me feel I was making progress. This could have been reading a book, watching a documentary or getting something small and inconsequential done around the house. So nothing major which would be pre emptive but maybe a job that would have needed doing anyway but I could feel was helping us making a tiny step forward.

As for buying things I come from a different angle to the majority view. I found the pervasive wisdom in a lot of adoption forums was that buying things for the baby/toddler equates to getting ahead of yourself and making it more traumatic should things not work out. In reality not buying things is unlikely to protect you from the heartbreak that would come if things went wrong. This will happen anyway and yes while there's an argument that it would be awful to have to look at it send things back etc that's only what's happening in your minds eye anyway. Yes it's true certainly in my case that stage 2 is quite formative and that your views on age may vary but equally you may be very clear on this having come to a decision if your own over several years. In actuality there are a lot of generic items you can pick up for the under 2s that any baby or toddler would need. I didn't go overboard and there are some things it really does help to know more about your little one before purchasing but the odd little thing here and there can keep you going and make it feel more real. One thing I think we lose out on as adoptive parents is feeling the "permission" to prepare for our child in advance like birth parents do. We're expected to patiently wait for months on end and buy everything we need within a few short weeks months down the line when we're matched. I just don't think this is realistic or absolutely necessary. Like every roegnancy is different every adoption and adopters journey is different and if you want to buy things you go for it. My personal choice was not to decorate the nursery until we passed panel as I felt this may be a bit triggering for me but everyone is different and I certainly don't think it's unreasonable to prepare your home like any parent would. I used to get a couple small things each month. Small things like some bibs, a wide age range toy or a couple books. just to give me a little boost. Final word on this is yes foster carers may have a lot of items already for your child (ours did) but don't let that stop you buying some things too. This is your child.

As for waiting i hope the change of social worker works our and is quick as poss for you. Fwiw I did find that whole waiting is hard once stage 2 gets properly underway things move quickly and you'll feel things are much more "real". Best of luck xxx

Thank you everyone for your support, I think it just helps knowing that other people are going through the same process and we're not alone.

allItaliangreyhound we sent off the ROI in November last year and had the first meeting with the stage 1 social worker on 2nd Jan this year. We had a bit of a delay moving to stage 2 while we waited for a new social worker, she then contracted Covid so was off for just over a month In April/May so another delay then as they didn't want to appoint anyone in the interim.

allveejayteekay we cleared out the spare bedroom yesterday that will be the little ones and made a list of everything we will need to get ready.
We also had our 2nd stage 2 training session at the weekend so feel a bit happier after that as at least I feel we are still making some progress

EnergyCreatesReality considering there is a pandemic I think things are moving really quickly for you.

Hopefully, you will feel more relaxed about it all now.

I know how frustrating delays are (it took us 18 months to get approved) but sadly they are inevitable during the adoption process. I don't really know anyone in real life who hasn't had a delay of some sort. You do have to develop some resilience as delays feel harder to cope with the further along the process you go. I remember our introductions were delayed by a week at the last minute and I was so angry. At that point I was just desperate to start our life together as a family but now, with all the other difficulties we have had, it seems silly that we made such a fuss over a week.

I really wouldn't buy much at the moment. For a start, some social workers don't like it as you can be seen to be pre empting panel. But more importantly, children tend to bring a lot of stuff with them! My son had two cars full. It does make me a little sad when I see adopters with finished nurseries and they haven't even been linked yet. You have no idea what your child's personality will be, what they like, what they're afraid of, what they'll bring. I think it's much better to wait until you have been at least linked so you can tailor the room to them rather than what you would like.

Plough on!! We were on social worker 3 by the time we got to matching panel. I know its hard! We were really close to our first social worker too. It just meant that we kept the next ones at arms length and didnt invest too much emotionally in getting to know them. Our social worker was different from DD's social worker too.

Now DD is here, we have yet another social worker dealing with us till we get to family court. Add in DD's health visitors from the LA, plus her health visitor from the GP, and therapists who see her siblings, and its become a real melting pot!