I posted on AIBU

[RyanHowardWunderkind]

I posted a thread on AIBU about people making rude and insensitive comments about my DS and his background. The majority of replies were decent but quite a few said it was my fault for announcing on Facebook that my DS had come home that people had privately messaged me asking why he was 'put up' for adoption. I was told if I wanted privacy then I should keep things private, i.e. pretend he doesn't exist on social media.

Just feels a bit sad that people think I've somehow invited others to pry into my son's trauma background. We wanted to announce our happy news on Facebook, just as the majority of other parents do, and I don't feel that by doing so I should expect people to message me trying to be nosy.

I'm hoping people here will get it, and thank you to @jellycatspyjamas for sticking up for me and talking sense!

AIBU can be a bit of a mixed bag. I would never and will never post anything adoption related or child related once I'm hopefully approved on there as the majority just don't want to or can't understand.

You’re very welcome, I find folk on the main boards by and large don’t have much of an understanding of adoption, and the experiences of parents who have adopted often get drowned out. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what you did and understand your reasoning - especially when you adopt an older child it’s very obvious you’ve had a new addition and not saying anything invites gossip and even more uncomfortable questions.

You’ll find folk here who do get it, I’m glad you came over.

because all new mums deserve flowers

Congratulations 💐

I didn’t see your thread, but people are idiots. Ignore them.

I announced it on FB too.

Congrats on your DS we announced on Facebook also, though don't post photos or details. Wanted to tell the world after all the struggle it took to get to that point.
I found it was mainly people I barely knew who would message for details so found it easy to ignore. People think they can ask such personal questions and not realise how rude they are being. Its upto you what you post and what you share, you did nothing wrong and hopefully the nosey ones will leave you alone soon

I didn't see your thread on AIBU. It's sad you had you deal with those kinds of messages. There are so many misconceptions around adoption and it sounds like you've had a day of awkward questions on Facebook followed by personal attacks on AIBU.

For the record you are not being unreasonable to announce your adoption on Facebook. It's not unusual for people outside adoption to be curious about adoption in general and specifics. You may find yourself being asked these kinds of questions in the offline world as well. You are also not being unreasonable to want to keep your child's story private and it helps to have some strategies ready to deflect these questions without letting them wind you up.

Do post here on the adoption board. You will find it to be a completely different environment to the AIBU board.

Congratulations on your news. Here are some more flowers for you.

Congratulations on your new arrival

I read the thread on AIBU, I'm afraid that board can be a bear pit and like another poster I would never post there about anything remotely sensitive.
I think it might help to think of adoption as a minority interest. You have done the training, read books, immersed yourself in adoption. Your hairdresser hasn't. Its likely that you are the first person she has encountered who has adopted - if you are going to be open about it then people are going to have questions.
So you have two choices - be open and develop a thicker skin and strategies to deal with the resulting questions or be more circumspect in who and how you tell.
I'm not a great user of social media and to be honest, I wouldn't have made a general announcement on Facebook. It's not about pretending my son doesn't exist - my family and close friends knew but I didn't see it as anyone else's business really or need to announce it in that way- but I am ancient and generally don't understand the whole social media thing.
As a single white mum suddenly rocking up with a black 8 year old, we attracted some attention. I never avoided it but didn't invite questions either. My priority was to balance protecting his privacy but not turning it into some big secret. If people asked daft or intrusive questions they were just told to mind their own business - nicely of course - or where appropriate I did take the opportunity to educate.
If you are big users of social media, you might want to think about what you do in future. Your child might not thank you for telling the world about his adoption. There are many reasons why a lot of parents, both adoptive and birth, choose not to post about their children in open media. Personally, if you are going to use FB or other SM I would tie your accounts down just to trusted family and friends.

Just read the AIBU thread.

Yowsers.

FWIW, I decided a long time back not to get upset by the ‘real mum’ thing. It’s just too much everywhere. AFAIK, no-one’s ever said it to my kid, but my stand by answer for if/when they do is something along the lines of ‘pfff. Who does she think I am then?’ and a huge eye roll.

Some people on AIBU can be awful, then there are people who enjoy being ignorant. Sadly they are the type who drown own the completely normal people in AIBU and encourage others to be unpleasant.

Certain areas of MN can be very odd about adoption, I have been told by various posters that I’m not an adoptive parent because of random things, like drinking a bottle of beer in the evening as that would definitely stop me being approved! There was even a reddit thread made about me, I haven’t bothered reading it but I was PM’d by a few people saying it basically said me being on MN wasn’t appropriate because I’m not a parent as being an adoptive parent doesn’t count.

Sadly people in the general area won’t take trauma into consideration even when you mention it if you are having issues with potty training, bed time, diet etc.

Big congratulations to you. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to announce it on Facebook. It’s personal choice. We did. Most of the people on my Facebook have followed my journey to parenthood over the years. It’s been a long time coming to become a parent for me personally and I want to shout it from the rooftops and I believe I’m fully entitled to it. However, I’m fully entitled to not share my LO’s story. My SW told me 2 different responses to people who ask those awkward questions. ‘It’s not my story to tell’ and ‘birth parents couldn’t keep LO safe’. The majority of people I have come across usually just say ‘I don’t know how anyone could give up their child’. I just shrug it off and say no nor me. Most people I have spoken to assume I know absolutely nothing about our LOs past. So I leave it at that.
There will always be a difference of opinions when it comes to using Facebook because you can track down anyone if you try hard enough but nowadays social media is how we keep in touch with our nearest and dearest. Sharing pictures on Facebook is a bit of a different subject. I know people who put don’t put photos up. Some put them up but cover the faces. Some have done lovely photos but always from the back. What I do is change my settings to only include a handful of close friends and family so only they can see it. It’s your decision.
Enjoy your new parent moment. You are fully entitled to.

Congratulations firstly.

It's hard, not everyone really understands adoption and people are also sometimes curious about why the child is being adopted, I think it's natural to be curious but rude to ask, anyway in many cases it's confidential so cannot be shared. Announcing on Facebook is fine but most adopters are cautioned not to post anything the public can see (or friends of friends) for confidentiality reasons.

I've got a couple of good friends who have adopted so I've seen the highs and lows, and how life changing it is for the child/ren. Best wishes for the future and ignore the nosy ones

I commented on your other thread.
We announced our adoptions on Facebook. (The last one anyway, there was no Facebook 16 years ago when we adopted DS).
Why shouldn't you have to joy of announcing your new arrival like other parents do.
I hope you're getting on well with your little son.

Our little one isn't even home yet and I have already had several people ask about the child's background. I am telling them that the social workers have instructed us not to tell anyone the details until the child understands more about it themselves and chooses to share the information. Everyone has understood when I explained, but IME you do need to be prepared to spell it out to them, people will ask because they don't necessarily understand.

Personally, if you are going to use FB or other SM I would tie your accounts down just to trusted family and friends.

I absolutely agree with this, if you’re going to post on social media, really limit who can see what you post - my Facebook is very tightly controlled, I have an anonymous profile picture and don’t accept random people or friends of friends and if I do post something about family I really limit who can see it. Tbh I’d be doing that regardless of adoption just from a privacy point of view.

I posted on your thread too under a different name.
I don't use facebook but I don't see why you shouldn't announce there.

re the comments. I have always been open the DDs are adopted but don't give further reasons. I think I would have found it hard to make parent friends if I'd been keeping the adoption a secret.

The insensitive comments are no worse than the 'are you planning kids' etc we used to get. You get used to answering after a while.

@RyanHowardWunderkind, I thought you were brave (or misguided!) to post on the bear pit that is AIBU! But good on you for challenging ignorant folks on their silly attitudes; you have 100 per cent demonstrated that you have the fight in you to be your child’s greatest possible advocate, which is no doubt why you were selected as the best possible match.

There’s a weird thing in the beginning (especially) that fostered and adopted children are treated as public property - and I wonder if this stems from the ‘corporate parenting’ position of local authority care?

Incidentally, I quickly perfected THE best Paddington Bear-style hard stare in answer to prurient and inappropriate questions about both of my girls’ back stories. I’m 12 years in and not polite enough (or prepared enough to put up with bullshit) any more to come up with trite responses to rude and frankly gossipy questions. It’s glorious to see people squirm when they realise that they have offended and crossed a line! I don’t feel the need now to be a public service broadcaster informing and educating stupid people about the facts and realities of adoption; not my circus, not my monkeys.

However, whenever anyone pulls the ‘real parent’ stunt on me, I pinch myself on the arm and exclaim loudly ‘oh no, have I become invisible again?!’

As for posting your news on SM, like others here, I have never had a Facebook or Twitter Instagram etc account, because the truth is that social media really is not your friend as an adoptive family.

@SimonJT, I like a regular glass of Merlot, please say that does not qualify me as an adoptive parent, that the past 12 years of single therapeutic parenting have been a fiction and that I can, pretty please, have my spangly old life back again!

Congratulations

If there is no concerns regarding safety, absolutely post of Facebook. You want the world to know just like other parents. Your proud of him and your journey and want to celebrate.

I am very open and honest about my son being adopted. My hairdresser does know because she cuts his hair! One day I turned up with a little one and she asked who he was and I, proudly, told her that he is my son. We, as a family, are very open about the adoption but I know that’s not for everyone. My son was also 3 so was aware of what was happening and with an older child, people at school learnt about him. He also took in his life story book to nursery and showed anyone who would look. It’s his story and he owns it.

Also, his behaviour can be challenging (trauma and attachment) and I tell people in the same way I would if he had a diagnosis of asd or hearing impairment. For us, it is what it is. I know a lot of people would disagree but for us it works

@Moominmammaatsea Most definitely not, give them back immediately!

@SimonJT, in a heartbeat 😂

I can remember a time about 6 months after my kids moved in and I had got used to people fishing for information on them so had some planned answers. One day a lady in the supermarket said my son must take after his dad as he looked nothing like me. I said maybe he did but I only met him once and couldn't remember! The look on her face!

@Patchyman1, my eldest DD is a Christmas baby and I used to delight in telling nosy folk/AKA the NCT lot at playgroups etc who repeatedly asked about my labour and her birth story (before they knew she was adopted) that I couldn’t really remember as I was in the pub having a glass of Christmas cheer at the time! The looks on their faces!

@Rwoolley

AIBU can be a bit of a mixed bag. I would never and will never post anything adoption related or child related once I'm hopefully approved on there as the majority just don't want to or can't understand.

This.

Most people on that thread were enough intentioned.

There’s really no point in trying to have adoption conversations with a general audience and then regaling adopters with tales of how awful they were. You’ll just wind yourself up. Two different groups of people and non-adopters never quite “get it” because they don’t need to.

Concentrate on your boy.

My daughter (birth) looks just like me. Complete mini me. My son (adopted) looks nothing like me (but strangely like my husband. They can pass as being biological related although are not).

I’ve had people comment on how my daughter looks like me then look at my son. To which I reply “he’s adopted” and they feel so awkward to the point it’s funny. I don’t feel awkward. It’s fact and I’m proud of it.

A couple of months ago I met an old work colleague I hadn’t seen in years (but on Facebook). She introduced her husband and kids and I introduced my daughter and before she allowed me to introduce my son she said “I can tell she is yours she looks just like you” and I said this is my son. To which she responded “I thought you only had one”. Through gritted teeth I said “he is my son, we’ve adopted him and that’s why he isn’t on Facebook.”

OP I haven't read this book, but just saw it recommended on a theraputic parenting group I'm on on FB. I'm going to order it myself and I thought you might enjoy it. It's supposed to be very funny.

Well done jellycat for supporting OP - I know you're a constant presence of grace and warmth on this forum and it's so appreciated I know.

OP I'm sorry you've had this experience. This is the kind of thing that gives mumsnet a bad rep. I think the adoption forum in our bubble here is incredibly supportive and welcoming but my experience is that the AIBU forum can be just rife with insensitivity, patronising comments, plain rudeness and just a complete lack of ability to understand any form of nuance. Sadly I don't look there any more for any kind of intelligent debate or answer to anything. I wonder if it's because it's the forum that's become known for gossipy threads and maybe isn't indicative of the wider site. I get the impression there's an element of voyeurism and keyboard warrior/troll mentality there and as such it attracts the wrong kind of ppl who are not really interested in genuinely helping ppl. It's all too easy to berate someone or say something absurdly offensive when you don't have to look them in the eye. It's my theory that ppl project their own insecurities into these bizarre online personas. In any case you deserved better and ppl should do better. I'm sorry.

You in no way invite intrusions into his privacy of you have the sheer audacity (sarcastic wink!!) To announce the arrival of your son! Ppl are responsible for taking ownership over their own nosiness and emotional intelligence and in my circle I know very few ppl who would be as insensitive to ask that so it's completely okay for you to be upset by it. It's not on. Some ppl don't understand adoption very well and I do find majority of insensitive comments and questions dome from a good if misguided place but good intent doesn't necessarily mean you don't have the right to be offended or miffed.

Just wanted to validate your feelings and say I'm sorry xxx

It’s took me a few days to read the comments and I’m sorry people are so ignorant and insensitive.

I just want you to know that this is your story to parenthood and your family and you have every right to tell whoever you want and post it on Facebook. You own it as much as he owns his story (before he joined your family).

When people ask me why happened to him I am usually blunt (because that’s me). I often reply things like “you know why kids get taken into care” and stare hard at the person. Or “I don’t know, he was pre-verbal when he was taken into care so we will never know what happened but he needs our support to overcome his trauma regardless or what happened” or more generic things like “kids get taken into care for all sorts of reasons, neglect, abuse, domestic violence, drugs. Who knows what happened to my wee boy but it wasn’t pleasant” (my son displays a lot of trauma behaviour and I’m ok with people knowing it wasn’t a happy story for him).

I must admit, I share a lot with work colleagues. They are my support. If we’ve had a tricky time as a family, I moan or talk about things to help me make sense of things. They will never have anything to do with him and I need support. I think that’s ok to reach out like that. (Lots probably don’t agree)

Anyway, enjoy your little boy and make lots of happy memories together. And share them on Facebook if you want. It’s always a lovely record.