New sibling

[Moomooboo]

Hi there
Just got the call that a new sibling has been born last week and asked would we consider taking a new baby on. Our gut reaction is to say yes but we don't know yet.

Can anybody let me know about timelines where the child is born and 99% likely to be put into care?

Wow. What a thing to have to think about. One thing that would worry me would be if there are likely to be more siblings in the future, would you consider them as well, what would be the implications of taking one and not others? In the future ? How settled is your first child to think about taking on another , especially a very new and demanding baby. Don't envy you the decisions you have to make . But good luck.

Thanks for your reply - it’s tough! I think in reality we could only afford to have two children. Financially we are pushing it a bit anyway - but I know we enjoy beans on toast so........ I guess that would be something we’d have to be prepared to talk about...

Our first child is settled we think - definitely think coronavirus has helped us in some ways... but a new sibling will most likely throw some feelings into the mix. He has loved being the centre of attention - and obviously that would change!!!

Hi, That depends. Where is the baby now? Would the social,worker consider foster to adopt?

How old is your first child and how long since they’ve been placed with you?

Thanks for your questions - He’s been with us for 2 and a half years and is just a little over 3. He came to us v young and is doing really well aside from being awake at 5:00 every morning ready to dance and play.....!

No mention of foster to adopt, and have just been told baby has been born and plan is likely to be adoption - so it’s not set in stone yet it seems - so maybe no time frames will come around as of yet - but i can’t see what would have changed if that makes sense...

I know we’ve got to wait and see what is said - just finding myself dismaying a little bit at not being told sooner - and also we’ve had a few things we’ve had to spend money on recently and nearly depleted savings. Is it worth asking about foster to adopt?? Would we have to do meetings with birth parents if so - as we’ve never met them as we were told they can become violent and wouldn’t really want to put our DS through that.

Also not sure I could cope with the up and down nature of court hearings but I guess that’s all par for the course!

Would we have to do meetings with birth parents if so - as we’ve never met them as we were told they can become violent and wouldn’t really want to put our DS through that.

That will very much depend on whether permanency has been granted for the new baby. If you did need to facilitate contact until adoption was agreed you could negotiate with social work that they bring the baby to contact and it certainly wouldn’t be expected that you bring your older child.

Given the circumstances I think you’d be in a strong place to negotiate an adoption allowance to help with the costs of a new little one. The main thing is a) whether you actually want a new addition and b) how that might impact your little boy and only you know the answers to those questions. Once you’ve made that decision you can negotiate the rest - remember they’ll be saving a bloody fortune if you do take the new arrival so there’s definitely money in the pot to help with practicalities.

Hi Jellycat - that's really really helpful and interesting - thanks for responding. I've looked into f2a a bit more but don't think I could accept the non permanent nature of it, and think the uneasiness and anxiety would affect us all. Also I don't see how we could reasonably facilitate contact as we live fairly far away from BM and my partner wouldn't be able to take time off work really.

We've decided to go ahead, so hopefully it will all go well - we can always ask about money but we do feel a bit funny about doing this as we're probs at the moment better off than other people - stable jobs that won't be lost or furloughed, but I guess I won't feel like that once adoption leave pay has stopped and I'm not back at work.

we can always ask about money but we do feel a bit funny about doing this as we're probs at the moment better off than other people

Money is one of those awkward subjects, isn’t it and I think local authorities bank of people feeling embarrassed about asking but you hadn’t planned to have another little one and while this is a lovely opportunity for you to expand your family, you’re making life much much easier for them than looking at foster care and then and adoptive parent or even assessing someone for foster to adopt. They will be saving a fortune in placing this baby with you and, frankly, you shouldn’t need to live on beans on toast to facilitate that. They can provide different types of financial help including settling in grants to help with the things the new baby will need, legal costs for the court process, financial help for introductions (I’d include in that any childcare costs while you attend meetings etc), and an ongoing adoption allowance which given you’re now adopting a sibling group, should really be up for consideration.

I know especially with adoption it can feel a bit transactional to be talking money in connection with a child but you want to be in the best, most stress free position possible to parent both children through this transition.

In your shoes I’d be explaining that you’ve not financially planned for this addition to your family - because you didn’t know it was a possibility - and ask what financial support is available. Remember the first time round you had time to plan and save, and make financial adjustments that you won’t have in the same way now. My DH and I are financially secure but having an adoption allowance has given us options in terms of work and childcare etc that wouldn’t otherwise have been open to us.

It’s a lovely thing to have a new baby, I really hope it all goes smoothly for you.

you're totally right - thanks - that's a great way to look at it all. We had totally planned to save money before doing this all again and I suppose now we won't necessarily get that chance, and I guess not asking because we feel uncomfortable is not really in the best interests of us or the child.

If they had let us know that the BM was pregnant and the plan would most likely be adoption, I guess we'd have had 9 months - 12 weeks + proceedings time to get ready too - so I guess it's fair to ask!