Starting out....again!

[NickD87]

Hi there!

My husband and I (Gay couple, together 11 years and married for 4) are about to enter the adoption process for the second time. A friend of mine recommended I join Mumsnet because of the community of adopters for support :)

The first time we did phase 1 with an agency, Medicaid etc. We decided during phase 1 that London wasn’t the place we wanted to raise a child and when we said we were moving to the South Coast, the agency said we would need to start again (despite the choice being for a larger home/better life etc and the fact they had an office in the area).

We are now just about to do our initial adoption meeting over Zoom with a new agency (who are contracted by council). So far they seem
LOVELY. Are far friendlier and more optimistic and positive about their approach than the previous agency and I have a very good feeling about starting the process over (knowing it’s going to be a long haul).

Question though. Smoking. DIRTY I know but hear me out. On our last attempt I said I didn’t smoke. And I don’t consider myself a smoker either....on an evening out I might have a cigarette with a friend. And generally, I might have a sly one with a neighbour over the fence (during a socially distanced gin in these times!). Am an ex smoker anyway but gave up about 18 months ago (before our previous time). Had used a vape but that’s even been gathering dust a while now.

I really don’t want to jepodise anything but just had a chat with my other half and interesting debate. Is a ‘social smoker’ considered a smoker?
As when new agency asked I obviously said non-smoker, but husband seems to think being a social smoker counts....

I know best thing to do is just not be a social smoker haha.

Just wanted to hear your thoughts on the whole issue.

I sit on adoption panels. Smoking is a massive no-no in our LA. I would say you were a non smoker but I would advise you not to smoke at all going forward, even socially. It is better for your health and the health of any child placed with you. Good luck.

@Apolloanddaphne Thanks! Yes, totally right. An ex smoker always feel the call when somebody hands them one - but must resist from now on!

You would be considered a non-smoker in my books. People can have a drink without being an alcoholic and social smokers once in a blue moon isn't being a smoker. A smoker is someone who smokes daily with the craving and addiction established.

I’m not sure whether some of the previous posters are adopters, but in my local authority, children under 5 will not be placed with a smoker (social or otherwise). As a PP said, it’s seen as a massive no-no.

I was a social smoker before I got pregnant for the first time, and considered myself a smoker - I would consider you a smoker and most people I know would, tbh!

It really would be a good idea to give up now anyway, get it totally out of your system before dc come along, so the temptation isn't there - the temptation goes after a while. Smoking social or otherwise is terrible for dc's lungs, terrible role modelling, etc etc etc!

If you are still smoking even only one a day, you havent given up, you have just cut down and are still a smoker. It sounds like you are smoking most days but you are trying to minimise it
Your husband knows your habits and considers you are a smoker - surely that should be enough.
If its so inconsequential why don't you just stop completely?

Don't fib to a social worker about anything, however small. It will come back to bite you

I was also a social smoker - only used to smoke occasionally on a night out with friends. When I started the adoption process I disclosed this and also the fact I hadn’t smoked for about 4 months. The adoption agency didn’t allow me to formally start the process until I looked for treatment for my ‘addiction’ and they requested a letter from my GP confirming this. So, be aware of what you may be asked for.

One thing to consider is that now smoking is less prevalent in our society, it is much easier for a non smoker to smell cigarette smoke and that the smell lingers for quite sometime.

I'd consider you a smoker and am pretty sure any SW would have to consider you a smoker too because they'll will have to defend your status as a (non) smoker to every official you meet on your adoption journey including the SW of any child you were linked to.

@NickD87 Yes you need to stop smoking! But lets put a positive spin on this. Giving up smoking shows your flexibility, commitment to the process, ability to be honest and open and put the needs of a potential child above your own. All qualities needed by adopters!
I was concerned my less than ideal childhood would scupper my chances, but in fact my SW encouraged me to think about the life experience I had gained and building my resilience.

OP I'd consider you a smoker.

I do know a couple where one partner smoked a cigarette in some dramatic circumstances and it held up their adoption process.

It's my understanding it is a real no-no these days.

Good luck with the adoption process.

Also - be wary of any pictures on social media of you smoking! These would also come back to bite you. I don’t know if they do a Facebook search - but we had a picture in our house of us both pretending to smoke a cigar on our wedding day that didn’t go down well...

In our LA you would be considered a smoker. Due to the risk of 'relapsing' back into smoking in the early months, you are not considered an ex-smoker until a year after giving up. Ie: a year after smoking your last cigarette.

You will have to be ready to completely stop smoking before starting the process. As previous posters have said, you need to be honest about this during the process and it is positive that you have already cut your smoking down to social levels, however you will need to show you can stop completely and maintain it.

The comparison with being an alcoholic is not right. If you drink alcohol you are 'someone who drinks alcohol', maybe 'someone who drinks alcohol occasionally' verses being teetotal.

An alcoholic is someone who has a problem with alcohol. Even when an alcoholic stops drinking they still have a problem with alcohol, but the terminology is used like 'recovering alcoholic' (although my understanding is you don't really recover completely, more like sober since (date of last drink).

I don't know how any one would consider someone who smoked as a non-smoker.

But you are right this is a very useful forum so glad you have found your way here and welcome.

I'd agree with italiangreyhound on the alcohol issue.

Drinking a glass of wine also has no impact on the health of another person in the way that a cigarette does. Drinking as an alcoholic is another matter,
Just to clarify a point in my first post. The tone of your post doesn't sound like you are taking it seriously as an issue.
Whether you or anyone here thinks you are a smoker is actually irrelevant. Social workers will - and thats who you have to satisfy