Siblings adopted by different families...any advice?

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DD is one of siblings aged 4 & 5. Both were fta from birth. We were seeing sibling every few weeks until lockdown but this has now stopped. When they were little, it was quite easy and relaxed but is becoming more difficult now.

Siblings have very different lifestyles with one attending private school, big house, more money etc and all the benefits of this while the other is fairly low income and has treats etc but these have to be budgeted for.

It is likely that there will be future siblings and both families would wish to be considered if this is the likely outcome for the baby and I worry about the impact on the sibling whose family wasn’t chosen and also the dynamics of either family adopt a non related child which is quite likely.

Older siblings family were asked to consider doing fta again for Younger child but declined due to the small age gap. There are concerns around how this might feel for younger sibling in later life.

Both adoptive families have different views around contact/adoption/parenting/life story not helped by each having been told different reasons for the adoptions and this has caused some issues which could become more difficult. There are already differences in letterbox contact.

The siblings get on well and have an age appropriate understanding of their relationship. They have very different abilities but some similarities in their personalities.

Has anyone been in this situation and have any advice? There is very limited information or advice online and neither family has accessed post adoption support.

Thank you

I've not been in this exact situation but my son (3) has an older sister (6) who was adopted by another family. They have never met. His sister's family were asked to adopt him and said yes initially but dragged their feet for a long time and then changed their minds. I am not looking forward to having to explain this part of my son's life story. I really hope at some point in the future we can have some contact but the other family don't seem keen at the moment. It's an absolute minefield.

It is worth contacting UEA adoption research, as their teams have done a lot of research and written books about managing contact, if you use their "contact us" email address and provide all the information you provided in your OP they may well either be able to help or be able to point you in the direction of help. It does come down to management and if you are helped to find a way through it would be worth it and both families might shift a little in their views along the way.

www.uea.ac.uk/contact-after-adoption/contact-us

For me as an adoptee separated from siblings, I would say it is worth ploughing through the difficulties.

Some of what you write about brings to mind the sort of difficulties we can face with work colleagues or teachers or doctors or parents of dc's friends etc who have widely differing life views to us, and different lifestyles, but where differences affect your dc it becomes more poignant so I understand your worries.

each having been told different reasons for the adoptions this is so shocking

I am adopted. At the time I was 4.5 when put into foster care, my sister was 1.5 and our younger sister was a few months old.
As the time in the 80s because babies were easy to adopt our youngest sister was seperated from us and adopted by another family. My and my sister were kept together.
My birth mother then went into have a mother baby a year or so later which was adopted by the other family.
We kept in touch when we were Kids. Then my parents divorced when I was 12 and my mother lost interest in keeping up the contact. They lived 2 hours away.
As adults we have all got back in contact. It’s not a sibling relationship really more like distance cousins.

its a common issue I think. Unfortunately some adoptive parents who can't seem to put the needs of their children first where it comes to contact. Having said that, every few weeks sounds a lot to me. It could become a burden. Maybe this is a good time to re-evaluate what will be practical as the children get older.
My son is 16, he has a 12 year old sibling who was with birth dad until he was 8 and is now sadly in residential care. The differences between their lives couldnt be starker. I have persisted at great cost to myself to maintain contact between the boys, sometimes its very positive, sometimes its quite frankly poisenous and I've had to stop contact to protect my son from his brother's abusive behaviour.
I think you have to focus on your own child and their story and not concern yourself with the dynamics of the other family.
I'm a big fan of theraputic life story work, it worked wonders for us, but the child has to be ready for it.
Co incedentally today I gave my son his later life letter. Its all part of the jigsaw and developing his understanding - a life long process