Very, very early stages...

[Juststartingtothinkaboutit]

Hi there,

We're at the very early stages of thinking about adopting a child. We have a 9 year old birth child. IVF etc stopped 5 yrs ago.

I have so many questions, but for starters:

For those who adopted with existing children (adopted or birth), how was your child involved in the assessment process?

How much about the ongoing process did you share with your child?

(I'm not sure how to put this one) Did your parameters change when you started discussing matches? or how did you know what you wanted to rule in/out? I don't even know how to start those discussions without sounding terrible, did anyone else feel like that?

Did lack of close and physically able extended family members affect anything?

Thanks, and hope it's OK to come back and ask many, many more questions.

Hello!

I can't help with having a child before adopting I'm afraid, but I can tell you that I (as a single adopter) have no family at all within 100 miles, but that Social Workers were happy that I had a strong enough support network with long standing local friends nearby and weekend visits with our extended family. I'd say it's quality rather than quantity on that front.

Social Workers were totally understanding of children's needs I ruled out as I wouldn't have been able to meet those needs - this was seen as a strength as long as I considered everything carefully and really thought through the needs of the children and remained realistic about the needs of so many adopted children.

My matching choices didn't really change once I'd been approved, but then everything did begin to feel more real! I think I was matched quite quickly as I was able to be considered for children of different ethnicities, both younger and older children and a reasonably wide range of needs etc., but that's not possible for everyone with good reasons behind their decisions. For some it can take a good while with an excellent match in the end.

Good luck!

You will have a really good in-depth discussion with your SW before being approved to adopt about what you would/wouldn't be able to cope with and where you'd need more information to make up your mind.

We are currently in the process of being approved to adopt a second time and our criteria have narrowed since first time around as we need to take into account our other child's needs, the school run, etc

We are in stage two with our panel date in early September. We have an almost 4yr old birth son. He has known from the start about the adoption although we try not to talk about it too much cos it's such a long wait for them. We are taking a drip drip approach and just talking about it in small amounts when it naturally fits into conversation. Because of his age he hasn't been much involved in the asessment so far. They have had references from his nursery and health visitor but haven't really spoken to him yet. I think it would be different with an older child though.

"Assessment process, a few conversations with social worker.

"How much about the ongoing process did you share with your child?" Not much really, just tried to prepare her. And for her to be open to the age and sex of child. She wanted a girl almost her own age, she was 9, we adopted a e year old boy.

"(I'm not sure how to put this one) Did your parameters change when you started discussing matches?" Yes a little. I was careful to really consider the ko d of issues we could take on.

"...how did you know what you wanted to rule in/out? I don't even know how to start those discussions without sounding terrible, did anyone else feel like that?" No I did not because I knew there were some chikdren we probably coukd not manage to parent, e.g. sibling groups, various conditions etc. Don't feel bad, you cannot be expected to manage any child necessarily. You are contributing to your family. You need to knoe you can cope.

"Did lack of close and physically able extended family members affect anything?" No, our support network are our friends.

A 3 year old boy...

Thanks for your responses.

We adopted last year and we had 2BC already. They were both under 5. We had always talked about adoption with them.

They wanted a brother, not a 'stinky girl'. They do love their stinky sister now though

They weren't really involved in the process at all. They certainly weren't assessed in a formal way.

@Juststartingtothinkaboutit

The only thing I would add to the above is try and be open to possibilities and look at the child, not the diagnosis.
Many conditions are on a spectrum and behaviours and issues can vary enormously.
I was adament that I couldn't cope with an older boy with autism. Guess who came home - an 8 year old with autism. I had a very stereotypical view of ASD. I probably couldn't deal with a child who was like that stereotype but once I looked into him and his needs, I realised I could cope with him.