Preparing for the process - bucket-loads of questions

[SingaVera]

Hi everyone

My husband and I have decided that we want to adopt, and we are now trying to get our heads around everything we need to know and do in order to start the process. Of course we have been reading lots and lots and lots, but nothing beats hearing from people first hand.

A bit of background to us - we TTC, and it didn't work out. I had a MMC a few years ago and since then not really tried again do to the fear of going through the heartache again. Adoption was always an option for us, and we now feel it is the only and best way forward. We are financially in a good place, and have a 3BR house with a plan to extend to 4 BR house next year (or whenever is suitable if we get matched of course). We are an older, interracial couple: me white, 43 and hubby southeast Asian, 40. We have 2 senior cats. We are quite open with our criteria (race, gender, sibling groups), but prefer children under the age of 3. We are under no illusion that this will be a tough journey, but we are determined to make it work and want to make sure we are as prepared as we can be :)

Choosing and agency
We went to an open evening with PACT last year and really liked what we heard and have a good feeling about the agency. We haven't "shopped" around for other agencies but I have heard good things about PACT and Coram - does anybody have experience with either of them? What are your views?

Experience with children
We have nephews and nieces which we have babysat for when they were younger but this is very limited as they are in different countries. Our neighbors have 2 boys that we of course interacted with for the last 6 years (one is 6 and the other is 9). I took part in a tree planting event with special needs kids last year, but I don't have paperwork (might be able to ask the organiser for a letter though). But I'm not sure if all this is enough. How did you get voluntary experience with kids (especially with COVID restrictions)? We both work full-time at the moment though I have applied to go down to 4 days to have more time to dedicate to the process and preparation.

Health check
What sort of things do they look out for? We are both in ok health (not bad but could be better). BMIs are just a little high but within limits. Do they look at family history? My mom has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.

Home check
Pets
This is where my biggest worry comes in! As I mentioned, we have 2 senior cats (13yo and 15 yo, respectively) which we have had since they were kittens. They are the sweetest cats, but only with us. We can carry them around and rub our faces on their bellies, no problem, but when they meet a stranger, they get very tense and stressed - especially with loud and fast moving people. When it is adults, they tend to choose if they are ok with them, but of not, they get hissy and defensive if approached and can give the odd swipe if the hisses are ignored. When we have visitors with kids, they run and hide. I would not want to give them up as I don't think it is fair on them given the age and our bond. From experience, they get used to other people over time (e.g. when my family visits for a week or so, at the end of the week they are happy to be around them). In preparation of any adoption, we would make the house cat/child friendly - meaning giving the cats lots of high perches and hiding spaces which means they can retreat and would not be as stressed. What sort of assessment do social workers do with cats, and how can I prepare the cats to be at their very best behavior?

Support network
We do not have a support network here. We are both from overseas, so our families live in different countries, and our close friends are somewhat spread out across the world. We have a couple of good friends in London and we get on well with our neighbours. What will they look for, and what is considered a good support network when you are in a situation like ours?

I probably have loads more questions as I go along, but I'll leave it with these for now :)

Thank you

Hello

I wouldnt worry too much about the cats, it sounds like you are doing the right things, I would just out them in another room when the SW visit and tell them the cats are out, asleep in another room, explain they are old and a bit irritable. If the SW is a cat person they will understand, if they aren't a cat person they won't go near them anyway. Its not like you have two huge hounds.
I had one SW who didnt like cats, cats being cats, mine sat on the arm of her chair and stared her out. It really freaked her out which amused me in a childish way - we did not get on !

You will need more childcare experience, I think by the time you get going some of the more normal opportunities will become available - most people do something like brownies/cubs. Can you go back to the tree planting orgsnisation and see if they have other things you can get involved in? Could you borrow the neighbours kids? With all the issues with chilcare and schools at the moment they might appreciate a day childcare over the school holidays.

Health check - what do you mean by OK but could be better?

Support network can be tricky, most adopters will tell you that their support changes a lot after adoption. I have loads more friends. At the time my family were ( and still are) not local and like you my friends were a bit scattererd. Its important to show that you are open to new friendships and know where to find support if you need it to develop it. Explain that you understand you will make friends at prep group, at the school gates, play groups etc.
Think about the different support you might need - family and friends can still provide you with emotional support.
Think about different scenarios and who you would turn to for help.
Think laterally - you've already identified neighbours, what about work colleagues? Who do you socialise with ? If you become a regular member of a forum like this, then you have us !

I've no direct experience with Pact and Coram but have also heard good things. As you are an interracial couple I would just check that they have experience in matching families with different ethnicities.
Good luck !

Thanks Ted27, that is super helpful!

cats being cats, mine sat on the arm of her chair and stared her out. It really freaked her out which amused me in a childish way hilarious! Ok good to know that this might not be a big problem, I was getting a bit anxious about it

You will need more childcare experience What would be enough experience? a few days of volunteering with a scouts group? Or continuously for weeks or months? It would probably be ok for me when I go down to a 4 day week, but hubby works full time and often weekends too right now so not sure he could do that much. We can definitely borrow our neighbor's kids and take them to the park for some football. The treeplanting event was with a charity that focuses on the environment and happened to conduct an event at the special needs school. Not a permanent connection with the school I think, but I can ask.

Health check - what do you mean by OK but could be better? I mean slightly raised cholesterol, bit on the chubby side (age is showing), and I currently am getting out of breath easily - have been leading a way too sedentary lifestyle. We both want to pick up exercising again, but just don't find the time right now as work is demanding (and we have gotten a bit lazy). ;) I'm more worried about family history and what the SW would think about placing a child into a family with a near-terminally ill grandma (though no guarantee my mom will even make it that long), and what such things as diabetes and cancer in the family would mean in terms of our health assessment?

If you become a regular member of a forum like this, then you have us ! thank you for this! That really brightened my day. It is a bit tough being so far away from family and close friends when starting this process. We are pretty close to our neighbors with the kids but most of our closer friends are indeed scattered. I can't wait to build up a whole new social network :)

@SingaVera
SWs vary a lot in what they are looking for but I think most would be looking for some sustained period of volunteering. If you are interested in environmental things maybe you could approach the charity with an idea for a longet term project with the school? I set up a garden club at a local school and ran it for about three years.

I would imagine most people have illnesses and conditions which are prevalent in their families so I wouldnt worry too much about that. I think many of us would recognise what you say about becoming too secondary during lockdown. At the begining I went put for a long walk every day, I'm more lethargic now, though we have just got an exercise bike ! SWs are balancing risk, we could all fall under a bus at any time or contract a serious illness, they just want to know that on balance you are healthy enough to have a goos chance of being around until your child reaches adulthood.

I'm sorry about your mom, I missed that in your first post, This may be an issue - SWs will probably want to look at how you will handle this given she is not in this country, particularly if you have to travel to spend time with her whilst she is well enough or if you need to say your goodbyes.

Volunteering with cubs/scouts won't help much if you are hoping to be matched with under 3s. You would be better off finding a playgroup or nursery to help at. This will help a lot if you can be 4 days per week. I found being open about why I wanted to volunteer helped a lot with somewhere being willing to take me.

Support network. you need to be able to cover

• emotional support for you (can be family living anywhere)
• adoption specific support (eg this board, or AUK)
• practical support - what if you are all ill - who will you turn to to get medicine or mind the children for a few hours

The network itself is likely to change, but you need to show the ability to build contacts and to ask for help if needed.

How long do cats live for anyway? You must say that if a child was placed and there was a conflict you would rehome if it couldn't be resolved any other way.