Friend just gave birth and I'm oddly jealous?!

[user1479136681]

Adoption was our first choice and I didn't feel jealousy like this throughout my friend's pregnancy (in fact, although I was happy for her, it made me feel extra sure that it's not for me!) But now she's given birth I suddenly feel powerfully jealous.

I think it's because I wish we'd had that time with our son, that we could have kept him safe and met him as a newborn. I don't think I'd feel like this if I wasn't a parent now too, does that make sense?! Has anyone else felt like this? I need to go and be happy for her but this is definitely getting in the way!

Absolutely! I remember when my niece was born last year I was so intensely jealous that she got to hold and cuddle her daughter in a way I’ve never had that with my son (adopted). I got so upset and angry about the fact his birth family couldn’t keep him safe when he was a newborn and that I would do anything to have that time and they didn’t appreciate it. I also hated seeing photos of her as a newborn because I don’t have that of my son. I think that’s normal. I think it’s ok to feel the way you do. But try to enjoy your time with your friend and when you kiss your son goodnight try to remember you might not have had the early days with your son but that you have the rest of your lives together and that’s a special thought.

This is very normal. When my dear children came home at 2&3 we got very little in the way of congratulations cards or gifts. When my nephew was born a year later my SiL was inundated with cards and gifts. One day she was casually complaining about the amount of clothes she needed to return to change as they were unsuitable and she did not have time to do that and I flipped! I was so angry that she was complaining that people had had the decency to welcome her child to the world which was a heck of a lot more that she had had the decency to do for my children. I cried for hours. I think it was then I realised that I was cross that my children had not had the same welcome as a baby would have into a family. I was jealous that I and they missed out on all of that. I was not jealous of the fact that she had had a newborn (we have fostered newborns in the past and know we will go on to do that in the future - I don’t or didn’t need that experience with my children) it was the missing experiences that my children did not get that upset me. That feeling has past again for me and I hope it will pass for you to allow you to enjoy this new born and build a relationship with them.

I’m not an adoptive parent, OP, but a friend whose daughter is adopted said much the same thing to me when I had my DS — she said she needed to explain being out of touch, and said it made her think about her own DD’s less-than-ideal uterine experience and the chaotic, unsafe environment she spent her early babyhood in before she was removed, and the unfairness of it all made her furious and sad for her daughter.

OP I think it is worth exploring whether you are jealous of the being pregnant and giving birth aspect too. The different uterine experiences would be enough to make people feel very angry but jealousy is a different feeling and it might relate to something else and it would also be understandable and is probably common too, even if you didn't expect it. If it is that, suppressing and letting it linger and not be explored and processed and put to bed so to speak would not be the best thing for you or your dc as it would come out in other ways.