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Adoption

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Mixed heritage turkish/british

8 replies

delilabell · 08/06/2020 22:00

A thread on here and the current situation has really started me thinking.
Ds is mixed race. He is 8 and has only ever been bought up as British (he is adopted so no link to bio parents)
To talk regularly about his would make him feel different to us and his siblings maybe?
To ignore it would ignore who he is?
What would you do? And how?

OP posts:
delilabell · 09/06/2020 11:08

Just to say I know you know he's adopted else this wouldn't be in adoption! I've had the thread moved as it was in aibu

OP posts:
Rosemary46 · 09/06/2020 11:24

Do you talk to him about his adoption and his birth family background?
Surely he knows that one of his bio parents ( I assume) is Turkish.

Of course you can’t bring him up as Turkish if you are not. But you can bring him up with some awareness of his biological heritage.

It can be hard if you don’t know much about his Turkish bio family. Have you told him everything you know ?

To talk regularly about his would make him feel different to us and his siblings maybe?
To ignore it would ignore who he is?

These are not the only two options. You can refer to it occasionally , if he’s comfortable with that. You can incorporate some small things into your family traditions or culture.

Ted27 · 09/06/2020 13:31

Hi I'm a white mum to a dual heritage (white British/Black African) young man.
To be blunt what your son looks like is going to have a huge impact on how he experiences life.
We have had some interesting conversations in the last few days, my son is beginning to realise that he is neither white nor black but occupies a space in between. Although he is not very dark skinned, he does have Afro hair so what you see is a young black man ( he is 16) so this is how he is labelled. He thinks this is very unfair as it doesnt acknowledge his white half.
My own view, as a white person, is also that both parts matter, but I can't ignore the wider societal pressures.
I also take a pragmatic approach in that we live in England, not Africa, in a majority white culture. But I also recognise that culture, particularly youth culture is very fluid and a lot is shared across cultures - thinking about music, fashion, sport, popular TV etc. There is no point trying to get him to eat African food when want he wants is pizza, or listen to certain music when he listens to rap.
There is a lot you can do to acknowledge his heritage without going down the lets have a full blown Turkish night every month route.

If you talk to him about being adopted, then his Turkish heritage should be a natural part of those talks. If he reads look for Turkish folk tales, there is a lot of Middle Eastern/Turkish food that you could introduce that is fairly mainstream these days - kebabs, humous, tabbouleh, baklava. Maybe look for some textiles that you could use around the house such as hamman towels.
It doesnt have to be a big deal if you just make it part of life.
In our home, because I travelled a lot in various parts of Africa before I adopted my son I have a lot of stuff around, its just there, we don't necessarily talk about it, but it acknowledges other cultures. This includes textiles used as tablecloths and bed throws, cushion covers framed photos from my trips, my handbags(!), fruit bowls, books, original artwork. Sometimes he will ask where I got something so that promps a discussion, particularly if its something from the country his dad comes from.
Its not possible now of course, but in future think about a family holiday to Turkey. I havent been able to take my son to the relevant country but we have been to Gambia, this was really helpful as although its a different culture, there are some common things such as drumming which he was able to participate in. I think it gave him a real sense of his Africaness for want of a better word.
Whether we like it or not, our adopted children are different, but different is not bad or negative. Its just different and can be celebrated.

delilabell · 10/06/2020 08:51

Thank you both.
He does know and we talk about his adoption openly. It doesn't help that we aren't 100% certain who birth dad is but definetly that he's from Turkey. The man he most likely is, is also not a nice man for a variety of reasons and so I think this clouds his judgement.
Good idea about having things around the house and about books.
He looks white British unless you know then it's more obvious.
We've had long chats about what's happening at the moment because he's picked up on it and he is aware that his skin is a different shade.
It's difficult isn't it to know the right amount to include because it is a part of him.

OP posts:
Turkswife · 10/06/2020 11:15

I'm not an adopter but have 2 Turkish/British ds. It's very difficult to represent an entire culture that you don't belong to without being tokenistic so I suggest a general attitude of learning and enjoying together is a way to go. Turkish food and holidays are excellent so I suggest enjoying and exploring together as a whole family. This can create a positive feeling of all of you being connected to Turkey without 'othering' your ds.

Turkey is a whole hotchpotch of cultures, languages and ethnic origins anyway, so not easy to sum up in a meal or a postcard. In fact when my apparently 100% Turkish DH took a family history DNA test he found he is genetically more Greek, Balkan, Italian and Arabic than Turkish.
One idea is a world map on the wall with pins in to show all the family's connections to different parts of the world, e.g. Dad went backpacking there in Thailand, Grandma went on holiday there to Spain, ds may have birth relatives there in Turkey, Uncle Jack lives there in Canada and we all live here etc
My ds showed zero interest in the non British side of their ethnicity as 8 year olds despite dh and my efforts but now as adults they show pride and interest.

Porcupineinwaiting · 11/06/2020 14:07

I agree with Ted27 Also bear in mind that whilst he may look white British now, that may change during his teens (my children's Mediterranean heritage is becoming much more apparent as they get older).

I can quite see that making it a "big thing" could be alienating but I think its best to do enough to show that the door is always open for further discussion.

Yolande7 · 14/06/2020 01:48

I agree with the previous posters. We are also a transracial adoptive family. My children joined our family aged 5 and 6 and our ethnicities have always been part of our conversations.

In case you have not come across them yet, there are quite a few good podcasts, blogs, TED talks and books out there on transracial adoption, eg. , creatingafamily.org/adoption-category/how-transracial-adoptees-navigate-race-as-they-age/

Some things that are often recommended:

  • see yourself as a transracial family not as a white (?) family with a BAME child
  • read books/ watch films from the culture or with characters from the culture
  • have friends who are of your child's ethnicity or find a "mentor" for them
  • have photos/paintings/sculptures from that culture in your house in prominent places (not just your child's bedroom!)
  • familiarise yourself with and enjoy the music/food/festivals/ traditions, integrate some into your family culture, eg. we always make a traditional Easter bread and spread from my children's culture of origin. It is very important to them and they love it.
  • find other families in a similar situation. If you can't find an exact match, find other transracial families so your child doesn't feel like the only one
  • travel to the country before your child hits puberty
  • talk to your child about racism

I think all of it has been helpful for my children, but knowing other transracial families has been most important.

sassygromit · 26/06/2020 14:03

I agree with the pp who has mentioned talking about the culture and going on holiday in general ways, being interesting and informative and not "othering," and it then becomes a choice as to how much your ds wants to embrace that aspect of his heritage as he gets older. Turkish history is so interesting too - we were reading one of DK books - about engineering - recently and it had sections about the Ottomans in Turkey, who were the dynastic successors to the Roman Empire, and also the fascinating scientific and engineering expertise of the time - eg Al Jaziri's book of engineering, his automata such as the vast Elephant Clock and Castle Clock - and water pumps - the time of polymaths at a time when science and engineering was "forgotten" in the west. I think all this is interesting in its own right, 8 or 9 is a good time to be reading about this together, as a part of learning about history generally.

In terms of not "othering" I think that the best thing you can do is try to help your ds formulate his own ideas and thoughts and feelings over time and for you to be aware of what is going on in his mind about it, and be led by that?

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