Starting to think about disclosure

[veejayteekay]

Hi all. This is a hypothetical question for me atm but I wondered if I could ask your thoughts based on your own experiences. My adopted son will be just over 2 in November when I hear back to work and he goes to nursery. Obviously atm he is very young and has no concept of his adoption although over the next year we want to start doing what we can to trickle in info about adoption and start to get him familiar with the concept in an age appropriate way.

He came home in November and obviously we did the usual cocooning of him gradually meeting family members etc and were sort of coming out of that bubble and starting to get to know some local mum's and take him to a few groups etc and then covid struck so we've not had much "practice" for want of a better word at interacting about his adoption with ppl from outside our existing circle.

We're very mindful of stuff we spoke about way back on our prep course about level of disclosure about your child's adoption to other ppl, them feeling they own their life story, and not othering them, while at the same time celebrating adoption and not inducing any feelings of shame

I guess our questions are...do you tell parents and other ppl you get to know that your child is adopted straight off the bat or do you wait for it to come.up? How do you make decisions about how much to share with ppl outside of family? How have you helped very young children (I'm thinking under 5 really) communicate their adoption to friends etc or to process and understand it?

Any views much appreciated. I guess at this stage I'm just curious

Also at what age did your child start to notice the differences between them and non adopted children and become more aware of it? How did you broach subjects such as them not being born to you through pregnancy, having a different parent etc?

Having a different birth parent that should say 😂 hard to be coherent at 6am hahaa

Our son came to us at 3 and so it’s always been an open dialogue in our house. We are a same sex couple so I am sure his friends parents realise but to be honest it’s never been mentioned. He also goes to school locally with many of our neighbours children who obviously all know he is adopted, it just hasn’t been a big deal yet and required a big reveal. I took him to toddlers groups etc and only tripped up once, when I was talking to a group of mums about our long holiday to the Far East the year previously and they said we were mad doing that with a toddler. I then had to tell them he was adopted. I remember at the time being quite surprised about how everyone was fairly disinterested (in a positive way) in the fact and it was never really discussed again. Our son has his life story book and intro book in his bedroom and has chosen to share them with grandparents at different points in the last three years which we have encouraged as healthy dialogue. I do remember one of our neighbours saying to me that they weren’t sure how to explain adoption to their child (a similar age to ours) who wondered where our child had appeared from so I supported them with some books. It’s different for all the different people you will encounter but I’ve found it easier to go with the flow.

I think everyone knows my son is adopted! I have a birth daughter who was in school when we adopted so one day I started bringing him along for drop offs and pick ups and the parents asked. And I told them. Also, he talks a lot about foster care and has brought in his photograph books (intro book, photos of when he first arrived etc) and talked through all these with anyone (adults and children) who would listen! For him and us, it is what it is. We talk very openly about it because it was and is something he struggles to process and so if he wants to talk about it we let him. Also having a big sister also means everyone knows (train conductor, “this is my little brother. He has never been on a train before. I have but he hasn’t because his foster carers didn’t take him but we’ve adopted him so he is with our family forever so we are taking him on the train for the very first time!“ - you can imagine the dialogue as my son stands there grinning and so excited about being on a train.) also, I’ve told people to explain his behaviour. One time at mother and toddlers he fell off the trike, went into freeze mode and lay there terrified, not a sound so I go over pick him up, cuddle him and he goes off to play again. One of the other people there, “is your son ok? He never cried” “Yes, he is fine. He is adopted so has experienced trauma and he goes into freeze mode when he gets hurt. He also doesn’t have the same pain response. He is fine”. It sounds crude and blunt but he is a bit different in his behaviour as a result of a lot of trauma but as long as he isn’t about to hear me say that, I also think it’s important that people become more trauma informed. Also, by picking him up, you are scaring him more so please let me get to him first. I would tell people Especially if they question some of his more quirky behaviours. I found it helpful so they can respond correctly eg at parties and there is a buffet. Don’t give him food! He can’t control it yet!!

My advice, relax about it. It’s not a taboo subject and as he gets older, you will talk about it less to strangers as it becomes less important. At the moment, normalise it for him. It’s his story, yes, but your his advocate. Most people don’t need to know and you won’t tell either but you know the people you n and the situations where it’s best for your son for people to know.

We are 'out and proud' . But we didn't have much choice - as a white person who lived in a community for 15 years as a single person who suddenly rocked up with a black 8 year old we were a bit obvious!

That said I think you need to take a pragmatic approach, and for most people you really don't need to say any more than the fact that they are adopted - the details are private and no one else's business. No one, not even my mum, knows my son's full story.

I remember reading a post from a new mum who was tying herself in knots at her baby group when all the other mums started to swap their birth stories. She was so focused on what she thought was protecting her child's story that she was considering making a birth story up. There is no need to fib or avoid it, but equally you don't have to tell anyone either.
Think about why and what you would need to say to anyone, and that will differ from family to family.
My son has direct contact with his dad and his brother, so he talked about them - but we were known as a single parent family, so it was easier just to say he is adopted rather than concoct a story or have people think he was making up storied about his dad and little brother. We also had to contend with the 'where is from ?' rubbish - no I hadnt done a Madonna and popped over to Africa, he comes from Xshire. I never made an announcement but just set people straight where it was needed and left it as we are an adoptive family, or I'm an adoptive mum.
I can't advise on drip feeding to a toddler apart from recommending the book by Todd Parr called We Belong Together.
My son is now 16, I've found that as they get older, considering what and who to tell becomes less of an issue.
At primary age when you had a lot more contact with other parents at the school gate etc, things cropped up more. When my son went to secondary school we had a chat about it and he decided he wanted to keep it private. So we just told the staff. I don't think he told anyone for about a year, but he decided when and what to tell his friends. He has been teased about it on occasion, but he has been bullied more for having ASD.
The old adage its private but not a secret is handy. Once you've said it, you can't unsay it, but you can be open without announcing it or divulging the details. Before you tell anyone, think about why you would be telling them, what benefit does it have for that person to know.

My D.C. is 3 and arrived as a baby. We don’t tell any parents of her friends/new people we meet that they are adopted as I don’t think it’s necessary. I should stress that this isn’t because we view their adoption as some kind of shameful secret (and obviously friends and neighbours know) but I just don’t think it’s any of their business! I feel quite strongly that this is a need-to-know issue and I know that I wouldn’t like it if other people knew my story before I understood it myself. I’m sure my D.C. will probably announce it to everyone at some stage but I won’t be doing for them.

I should add that it’s easier for me to do this because my child was a baby when adopted.

I have a 5 year old and a pre-schooler. We are very open with them at home. Their life story books and welcome books are accessible, they go through phases of getting them out all of the time to not being too bothered. I drip feed where I can - the photos of before they came home are good talking points.

They have only been home for 2 years, so they were fully aware that they got 'a new mummy and daddy' - but sometimes memories do slip and they do tend to make up their own narrative...so we talk about things when we can. I find "when we first met you..." and "when you lived with *foster carers..." and "when we first met you..." stories useful.

They both kind of know what being adopted means, neither of them are interested yet in telling others, I have had the 'toothpaste' tube chat with the eldest - once you tell, you can't put it back in - but they didn't really get it and responded with something like 'can I have a dinosaur for Christmas'. I found telling nursery/teachers useful - divulging a little about why they may react to things a certain way. A few of the other mums at school know, but only because it's come up quite naturally. I often get asked about the youngest' age because they were very prem and noticeably small. Gasps all round at their age, then I get asked 'how small were they?' and 'you must have been very worried?', I used to get caught on the hop (with all the craziness I hadn't committed the birth weight to memory) and I'd say "I don't know, I wasn't there' - then I would have to explain. I have a few things I say now if I don't want to divulge. I don't mind people knowing - but you have to be a bit careful - some do just want the drama and gossip. I have also noticed that once some people know, they seem to think that a community parenting approach must be undertaken with your children. Our close family do not know the details.

I said 'when we first met you...' twice - one of those was supposed to be 'before we met you...'

Hi,

We are very open with others these days (it's never been news to LO as she was nearly 5 when she came home), but I remember those days at the school gate trying to be honest whilst also following the guidelines given to me by SWs. What a pickle I got myself in.

Now, if it's relevant and appropriate, we mention it (but never in detail, or why etc). We have some difficulties with this that are probably common to a lot of adoptive families, but I try and manage those the best I can. It's really, really helpful sometimes that other families are aware because we are quite different, and her needs are quite different. People help us now! 😊

Good luck with your decisions!

You can be honest without providing detail though. I'm sure some people have thought I was rude when I didn't give information, you do need a thick skin sometimes. But I don't have any problems telling people to mind their own business - politely of course !

Our LO was 13 months when she came home. The Teazles Baby Bunny, A Mother for Choco and We Belong Together we're all favourite reads by the time she was 18 months old and have laid the foundations for future discussions as she's got older. We also have photos on the wall from the first time we ever met and she's asked about them every so often since she was 2.5/3 years old. I made a photo book of all the photos I took during transition and her first few months and home which she loves to look at. We were lucky in that FCs gave us loads of photos they took so I did another book of them. We pull it out whenever she wants to see photos of herself as a baby as it's a great way to naturally bring up explaining adoption. She's now 4 and although she knows how she came to be our daughter I don't think she understands the significance of it yet. Hopefully by the time she is at a stage to want to talk to her friends about it she'll have all the information she needs.

In terms of telling other people, all our family and close friends know. When she was in nursery staff there knew and likewise now she's in school her teachers are all aware. I also gave school some information on attachment and trauma which I felt they needed. DH believes that her life story is nobody's business but hers and therefore won't say anything more than she's adopted. I might say more if I feel it's needed but I'm very careful what I say and I haven't told any of the other mums at the school gates that she's adopted as it's not been relevant to anything we've talked about.

We are totally open with ds who came to us at 3, 6 yeats ago. We have s birth dd who was 9 when he came so all my friends and her friends at the time know.

We made a concious decision not to tell anyone else (new) friends unless it was beneficial to ds. So I tell medical staff if relevant. I tell his new class teacher each year.

I might yell people at work because they do not know him and won't meet him.

Totally agree with Ted "The old adage its private but not a secret is handy. Once you've said it, you can't unsay it..."

When ds started school he talked about telling people, I explained you cannot in-say it.

At a young age he had only the most basic grasp of why he could not live with his birth parents. My fear was people (especially other kids) might ask him questions he could not answer.

I must admit I was very influenced at the time by theas Mumnset adoption message boards, which was it is the child's story to share, not mine.

This was also the message from our adoption service (county council).

In all honesty I'm happy with how we have handled it, he has chosen to tell his closest friends.

I can explain his behaviour with other words 'he's very emotional' etc, I don't need to say he's adopted.

In the early days I did tell a couple of people who promptly forgot!! I know because when I mentioned it again they said 'Oh, is he adopted?'

He doesn't look out of place in our family so in one sense it was a lot easier not to tell. It's not a secret, it's just private for us. But always open for him.

YY Italian - we adopted at the same time and the prevailing wind then was definitely that it’s their story to tell. 7 years in I still think that was right for us.

DC1 has told people and then tried a take back, DC2 would prefer it wasn’t true so just ignores. He would hate it if he thought people knew.

School know, teachers know, other school parents don’t.

At home, we talk openly. ‘The first time I met you...’ etc. Where do babies come from? is a good question. Most babies... but you came from... And we celebrate the anniversary of meeting. And have a big photo of us on their celebration day. (Is that what it’s called? The day you go to court? Have completely forgotten...)

My dd came to me at 21 m ok nobs and it's always been an open topic of conversation, helped by the fact she has a sibling (my birth dd) who talks about it a lot.

I don't tend to tell people unless I trust them and it comes up in conversation. My DR, school etc all know.

My dd is now 8 and chooses who she tells herself.

DS came to us at 18m and is now 3 1/2 it’s come up naturally through seeing baby pictures of his cousins etc. He asks a lot about when he was a baby and we talk about when he came to be our forever baby and when he was small etc.

I am an adult adoptee - take this for whatever value it might bring to you.

It's an interesting point about 'othering' but I think there is a difference between creating an environment where the child can speak freely about it and normalising terms like 'adopted son' , 'adopted daughter' 'adopted parents' to describe your child and their relationship to you or people using words like 'real mum/dad family' etc. I would stamp on any references like that among friends and family.

Your child should be able to speak freely and easily about being adoptive and should feel comfortable telling whomever he likes about it. If there are any security risks (I don't know if this applies to you) in terms speaking about his birth family, then I guess you need to factor that in. That was not the case for me.

My mother seemed to become less comfortable with me talking about being adopted as I got older - they moved to a new city where it transpires she told none of her friends, whom I've now known for 20+ years. I can remember dreading things like my baby shower which they held for me (they are in the US) that someone might start talking about their birth experience and ask my mother about hers. I have no idea why she went 'dark' in this way and she also has pulled me up a couple of times: "Everyone knows you're adopted." Yes, they do, and it's my right to say. It wasn't about creating distance from her, but just being in control of my own story.

My mother did have to listen to rubbish things coming out of people's mouths though. Her MIL was talking about a family that had adopted a child and then had a birth child: "They'd already given the family name away." However, we are talking nearly 50 years ago. People may or may not be that insensitive today - there are probably other things that are said/asked.

My 6 year old will tell anyone and everyone! She came home from school one day and couldn't believe that her friend didn't know what adopted meant. She proceeded to enlighten him all about birth parents and foster carers and forever families and social workers and judges. She owns it and loves it, it's her story and she's delighted by it.
I've generally been fairly open, thought it was something everyone knew but didn't talk about, especially at school gate (My neighbours / friends etc knew) but was very surprised how many people didn't know when baby turned up with no pregnancy and already pushing 1!

I have told people I'm close to , but sometimes caught myself out with randos who comment on where red hair comes from or isn't she tall like you? (No, she's really dooty and tiny for her age and , I'm 6ft!) But generally they are people you'll either never see again or just passing conversations at a mum's group etc.

I think at 2-years old you son is too young. Just let him be and enjoy life without worrying about that. I think that when he is around 4-5 years old and starts communicating and understanding things better you can start talking to him about it and introducing him to his life story. We adopted two boys - nearly 2 and 4. Our eldest one is now 5 and understand he is adopted (we read his life story book every now and again) but he is too busy enjoying life and doesn’t really ask many questions or expresses too much interest in it. Our youngest one who is now 3 doesn’t express any interest whatsoever in his life story. I think it will all start making more sense to them when they are a bit older. Regardless of this we are quite open about the adoption (we are a same-sex couple) so we use the term adopted comfortably with them.

I'm an adult now obviously but never liked my mum & dad discussing it with friends. It felt like my thing to share if and when I wanted to. From a very young age.
I remember once being heartbroken when I overheard someone refer to me as Rachel's adopted daughter. It made me feel less. To me my mum is fully my mum and it was noones business but ours. Also, I didn't think of it much so it was intrusive & stung when a comment caught me off guard -though I'm sure I didn't show it.

The idea of it being discussed with new friends in playgrounds or school gates honestly makes my heart hurt. Don't do this.

Tried to tag OP but it didn't work? Can anyone tag for me x