How long are newborns in Foster care? Giving up my baby.

[Tia58005]

Please don't try to talk me out of it; this is a decision I haven't taken lightly at all and I know it's for the best. She deserves a proper family and a great childhood with people who can love her be there for her and provide for her - I can't do that.

I'm 21, I'm a second year uni student living 120 miles from my hometown in student accommodation. I have two years left on my degree, it's a miricale I got in to university considering my background. I was raised by my mum (don't know my dad) my mum died of cancer when I was 15 and I went to live with my nan who is now in her 80s. I have an auntie who I keep in touch with but apart from that I have nobody. This pregnancy is a result of a rape that happened during a uni trip to France by a French local we had made friends with whilst there.

I had no idea I was pregnant until I was 15 weeks pregnant as my periods are irregular as it is. I found out and a and e after I fainted and an ambulance was called. I didn't feel I could get an abortion with how developed the baby had got, so I decided to keep it. I'm 21 weeks today and found out it's a girl. I've been thinking about this for 6 weeks and I'm sure of my choice. I have only just plucked up the courage to contact a social worker who said they'd call me tomorrow.

My questioning is, do newborn babies stay in Foster care (long or short term) for long? I want the baby to get adopted rather than passed around that breaks my heart. I've read that newborns are rarely put up for adoption and that there are a lot of people waiting for a newborn.

Baby is healthy as far as the scans and tests have shown. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs so I anticipate baby being healthy

@Tia58005 I'm very sorry about what happened to you - I hope you are getting some support.
If you are absolutely sure that adoption is what you want for your baby, there is a particular programme called Foster to Adopt. This is where approved adopters have a baby placed with them whilst the legal and court processes take place. The idea of foster to adopt is to secure permanence for the child as early as possible. Its very likely that your baby would be placed under foster to adopt and unless you change your mind, the baby will be adopted by that family.
Will there be someone who can support you when the baby is born? Even if you are sure that its the right decision it will still be an incredibly difficult and emotional time for you.
Good luck for the future,

Where in the U.K. are you? That will possibly affect the answer you get because processes etc are different across the UK. It’s hard to say how long a baby would be in foster care but it’s likely there would be some form of concurrency plan - which is simply a way of saying the intention is the baby will be adopted but there’s space if you do change your mind.

It’s an incredibly hard decision to make, I hope there’s some real life support around you.

I agree with the others it would be likely that the baby would be placed in a foster to adopt placement. Depending on where you are, and the local authority you live in, the baby will either be placed at birth with approved adopters who will initially foster it until they can formally adopt it, or placed for a short period of time (6-8 weeks) in foster care before being moved to a foster to adopt placement.

You will not be able to sign the paperwork to relinquish your parental responsibilities for 6 weeks after the birth. This is to allow time for your hormones to settle again and be deemed ready to make a rational choice. It gives you time to change your mind. During this time the baby will be in foster care but as already said that might be with the potential adopters on a fostering capacity. However, some LA’s would consider a possible relinquished baby too high risk for immediate placement with foster to adopt carer. There would be a considerable amount of mothers who naturally change their mind about relinquishment once the baby is born and they see and hold the baby and for the sake of 6 weeks or so they would hold off placing with adopters to protect the adopters from a potential disappointment of the baby returning to birth mum. They may well wait until the the mother has signed the relinquished papers before moving the baby to potential adopters.

So worst case scenario, if you did decide to go ahead with relinquishing the baby the child would likely only be in foster care for a couple of months.

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. I hope social services are helpful and supportive. Make sure you ask them to signpost you to appropriate support services for yourself.

Do feel for you, but also do think you will need some independent 3rd party support outside on Social services , too befriend and be an advocate, as you say you are alone more so too look after your self. As a Foster Carer have experienced some young mum's in your position we were involved some years ago in publicising and setting up this Org can contact them direct or via your Mid Wife., Are experienced an will be none judgmental of your situation, will help you with UNI etc a befriender/advocate www.fnp.nhs.co.uk . Wish you all the best xx

Sorry www.fnp.nhs.uk

I agree with @fasparent, you definitely need someone there to support you. Modern adoption might differ slightly from your understanding of it. There is an expectation that there will be some form of limited contact between the child's adopted and birth parents once the adoption has been granted, usually it is done by sending one letter a year. Everyone over the age of 18 in the U.K. has an automatic right to view their adoption file and can access their original birth certificate. Then there's social media. You need someone to help you work it all through.

We are processing for the foster to adopt option for this very reason, we believe in as less transfers of babies as possible to help with there settling. @Tia58005 it’s a very difficult time for you and I think you are very very brave, reiterating the previous comments 100% get some support from external parties. Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy journey. Take care xx

@Tia58005 I'm so sorry to hear all the things that have happened to you.

I echo the others that you must get support for yourself.

I am sure someone will be delight to be a new family for your baby but please, please do look out for yourself.

Please speak to your university personal tutor and speak to some one from the university counselling service. They will help you deal with the practical issues, such as taking some time off your course.

I don't have any advice OP, but just wanted to send lots of gentle hugs. Please make sure you access the right support. If this is truly what you feel is right for you and baby, you will give a family the most amazing gift. Xx

Hi my lovely, how very brave of you to continue with your pregnancy and give a family a child. I am a a foster carer and I wanted to reassure you that although baby will most likely be placed with foster carers this will only be short term. Most babies stay with carers for around 6-10 mths depending on circumstances. We have just adopted a little girl we were looking after from birth and she became ours at 9 mths.

A lot of people have said baby may go f2a but this is unlikely as you are giving the baby up for adoption and have 6 weeks in which to change your mind, f2a placements are usually babies that come from families where there have been other children taken into care and ssare pretty confident that the outcome will result in adoption.

Please rest assured that foster carers will love your baby and care for it and it will then be moved onto their forever family. Your baby will be lived by so many people including you and this will be a part of their life story.

Please get some help for yourself, have you reported the rape? There are specialists that the police can put you in touch with if you ask them to.

All the best xxx

You sound in a very similar situation to our sons birth mother, very similar circumstances. He was with only foster carer from day 1 until he moved in with us at 6 and a half months. Was a few years ago now and foster to adopt wasn't a thing then, so things have changed and process will be different. But we were told that 6 -7 months is about as quick as they can go ecen with a relinquished baby due to the formal processes that have to take place. I wish you well and am reminded tonight of the dear woman who did the same thing all those years ago now.

I am very sorry about what happened to you!

Ask the social worker about foster to adopt (it is also sometimes called concurrent planning) and make sure your child would be put into the programme. I know two children for whom it took 10 months each to be adopted, even though one was relinquished at birth and one went into care at 2 weeks old. Sometimes sw can take their time with very small babies, because they know the babies are safe and it will be easy to find an adoptive family for them. However, leaving their foster carers at 10 months traumatised both of these children. So I would try to make sure your child will be placed with their forever family straight away.

I wish you all the best!

@Tia58005 I am so sorry for what has happened. You sound like an incredibly strong and caring person. Please do get in contact with social services as soon as possible - they should be able to organise counselling and talk through the process with you. I hope you are getting support from elsewhere.
My son came to me through Foster to Adopt at one day old - I picked him up from the hospital and has been with me ever since (he was a relinquished baby - I know of several relinquished babies who did foster to adopt). Even if your baby is not put into this programme it is likely that s/he would only stay with one foster carer before adoption....Either way you need at least 6 weeks post adoption to officially relinquish.....please look after yourself xxx

Just sending you a hug; am unbelievably sorry you are in this position; I think you're amazing to be considering adoption for your baby and can only begin to imagine how difficult this entire experience has been for you. Please look after yourself, speak frankly with the social worker, make sure you get sound and independent support from someone who is not going to sway you (either way) to their way of thinking but will support you in whatever you decide. If you do decide on adoption and you want updates on your baby (you may not, everyone is different) also speak with the social worker about post-adoption arrangements, many adoptive parents are surprisingly supportive of this, particularly in circumstances such as yours. But whatever you do, please look after yourself and be kind to yourself.xxx

What a difficult situation for you OP. I just wanted to reassure you - I am an adoptee and was relinquished at birth by my birth mother. I was placed with my adoptive family straight away. I have had a very happy life with them although sadly they have both passed away now (when I was 49). I have now found my birth family via AncestryDNA and am very happy to be in touch with them too.

@Tia58005 sorry this is a year few ago but a friend of mine is in this position and has been asking the same questions so i have been researching, what was the outcome of your story? xx