Own bedroom

[marshallrubblechaserockyzoomer]

Please excuse the silly question:

Me and my husband would love to adopt in the future but only have a 2 bed home (1 biological child already). Will the adopted child need their own room? I feel I already know the answer and we will have to wait before looking into it further and making sure it's right for us but want to make sure that we aren't holding off for no reason.

Most Social workers will require an adopted to have a room of their own. I have come across one or two adopters where children have shared but its not the norm.
A couple of things to bear in mind, SWs will normally specify that there should be a minimum of two years age gap betweeb a birth and adopted child, although many adopters with birth children would suggest much bigger gaps. So there's lots of practical reasons for them having their own rooms.
It can be very difficult for birth children when an adopted child arrives, its helpful if they have their own space to retreat to.
Another thing to bear in mind is that when it comes to finding a child, it can be a very competitive process, not having their own room is the kind of thing that could tip the balance in favour of another family.

By the way, no such thing as a silly question in adoption world !

@Ted27 thank you so much for the info! So even though it's not ideal could we still (obviously after a lot more research) start with the application with just 2 bedrooms? Can you move house during the application or do they prefer you to stay put? Hope you don't mind more questions!

They do a home study as part of the initial application so if you move you would probably need to nearly start again

@TigerQuoll thanks!!

Hi,

They do prefer children to have their own room, but there are temporary things you can do. I Have adopted three children and have a three bed house. When we adopted our third child, we put the older two into together and this was not an issue at all for the social workers as once the adoption is legal they can share a room no issue (as long as the children can cope with sharing of course). Do you have space in your bedroom for either child to temporarily stay with you until they are ready to share?

You might not need to start again if you moved mid process.

Your support network is an important part of your assessment. If you planned on moving roughly in the same area so nothing really changed probably not. If you moved from the Midlands to the South West for example then probably yes.
Speak to a few agencies and see what they say

The adopted child would need their own room, and I’d be very wary of displacing your birth child (eg moving them into your room) to allow an adopted child to have the space. You can Absolutely move during the process, and wouldn’t be starting the process again unless you completely moved area, your support network changed etc. It’s right to be thinking about space etc early on so good that you’re working on it just now.

I personally wouldn’t consider adopting in your current position. Yo birth child needs their own room as much as an adopted sibling. Even if the adopted child is a baby and in your room, how would that impact on your birth sibling? Would they feel jealous? Would they feel replaced. When the baby got older then what? Moving into your birth child’s room? Again, they might feel as though sibling is encroaching on their space.

I have both a birth child and an adopted child and in no way could they share. My adopted child has a lot of trauma and can destroy things and needs a safe space. When this happens, my birth child needs a safe space to go to. Without having their separate bedrooms, this would be very tricky and absolutely impossible for me to manage and keep everyone safe.

If you are thinking about moving I would do so before looking into adoption. It’s a stressful and busy time. It would be tricky to do both especially if there was delays if in a chain.

Im sorry it’s not all positive and I suspect I am in the minority with this opinion. I wish you and your family well whatever is right for you

@121Sarah121 thanks so much for your input I really appreciate it. However with your first point that would be the same whether our next child is biological (not that we can have anymore) or adopted. Those feelings in the first child can feel would be the same adding a child to the family whichever way. My brother was born and shared a room with me straight away.

I do totally understand though was just making a point about your first point!

Adopted children and birth children are not the same. Your birth child will be well attached and less likely to have experienced trauma. A child who is adopted has experienced loss and trauma and will need the space and time to overcome this. Add in potential disabilities and developmental delay as an result of in utero and early childhood experiences then you have a very different child to your birth child. I say this because I went into adoption without a realisation of the impact of all this. I have been told so many times that it’s just like having a birth child and believe me, it’s not. Not for you, your birth child or an adopted child. I am sure it isn’t what you want to hear but it’s an honest opinion. I believe that your children (birth and adopted) would benefit from their own space.

I am not very eloquent or experienced but i think it’s an important consideration. I don’t want to put a downer on things and I wish you all the best for the future

However with your first point that would be the same whether our next child is biological (not that we can have anymore) or adopted. Those feelings in the first child can feel would be the same adding a child to the family

As @121Sarah said, there are key differences in adoption you need to consider.

If you were to have another birth child your child would have the time over the pregnancy to start to adjust to being a sibling, they’d see your pregnancy progress, see scan pictures, look out their old baby stuff etc etc, and even with that preparation and inclusion might feel jealous or displaced.

In adoption much of that process isn’t visible or seen, depending on age your little one might have really limited understanding of adoption and won’t have the preparation process that comes with pregnancy. It’s a hard adjustment fir adults to bring home this fully formed child and start bonding, claiming the child as their own - and they’ve had some control in the process.

The child you adopt will likely need a lot of care, much more than a birth child of the same stage and you don’t have birth hormones to help with that bonding process. Your little one may not be able to help with the care of your new child in the way they might with a birth sibling, because the adopted child needs to come to you and your partner for caregiving, and having an older sibling provide care might echo a previous sibling relationship and retraumatise it confuse the new child.

It’s a completely different way of adding to your family and you will have lots of competing priorities with both children - many more than with two birth children. From a very practical point of view having separate space for each child is vital when you just need to deal with the one in front of you and the other can be safe in their room.

You won’t be approved without having a separate bedroom for the adopted child, you can certainly start the process but the expectation would be that they both have their own space, even if your adopted child is in with you initially.

@121Sarah121 @Jellycatspyjamas I know they're completely different which is why I was referring to the first part about how first children want their own space, jealously etc.

@121Sarah121 @Jellycatspyjamas I wasn't trying to say anyone was wrong. I appreciate your points and are fully taking them into consideration!

I think the best thing you can do is speak to your local social services/adoption agency. They can give you the best idea about what their expectations are. All I can say is that from my experience we were approved to adopt and they knew our intention was to eventually have the two girls sharing, which would mean my son and daughter (birth adopted) would need to share for a period of time. They shared for two years until my Littlest was 3 and now she shares with her big sister. There are no issues and she loves sharing with her big sister. If you adopt a young baby, sharing with you may actually be more beneficial and increase bonding. Not every adoption is the same and different children will have different needs. I am a massive advocate of adoption - I have three amazing, confident, happy children. My eldest does have some difficulties, but nothing that we can’t handle. I remember worrying before I started the process that we would be rejected because of this and that, but in the end none of these things were an issue. I’m not saying that it might not be an issue not having that third bedroom, but it’s certainly worth contacting social services to get their advice x

@Tishtash2teeth thank you so so much for that. I will definitely get in contact with them!

Totally agree with Sarah121 and Jellycatspyjamas

Our situation is my birth child was 9 when ds came aged 3. Their relationship has always been quite rocky.

Both adopted and birth child need their own space.

Mostly, for us, I think, it's the fact my dd is on the autistic spectrum (which we did not know when we adopted) that has made things so tough for us.

In your shoes I think I really would look to move into your future home either before you start the process or before your new little one arrives. Trying to do a house move and adopt would probably be very, very stressgul for all of you.

Good luck. No question is a silly question here.

OP roughly how old is your child?

@Italiangreyhound thank you. We weren't planning on moving for a while but I guess will have to rethink that our son is 2

marshallrubblechaserockyzoomer it's totally up to you but I found moving house. (finding a house to buy) very stressful. For me it was more stressful than adoption prep.

It's also good to have at least a two year gap and so unlikely you will be able to adopt for a while.your local authority or a voluntary agency may do an information day by video call so harm in finding out more.

Good luck.

@Italiangreyhound he's already 2 so by the time the application is done (I've been told takes around 6 months) he will be 3. I'll get in contact to get more info, thank you