Just starting to consider adopting

[Celerysam]

Hi all.

My husband and I have thought about adoption for some time and are just starting to think of starting the process.

We have experienced miscarriages, multiple failed ICSI's and nearly had our marriage end with the stress of it all.

We have reached the end of the road with options with IVF &our clinic agrees. I'm actually ok with that. I couldn't live with the uncertainty any more or stick one more needle in myself.

Really what we both want is to be parents. I think I'm after more information about the reality of what we are facing. How long is the process likely to take from first enquiring?

We have talked a lot about adoption or a foster to adopt and the pros and cons. I'm not concerned at all about a child not being biologically related to me but I would love the experience of parenting a baby. How young might a child be in an adoption verses early permanency?

Is there more risk of FASD in a baby that is removed rather than a toddler?

I have my eyes wide open to adopted children having additional needs and I admit it scares me a little that we could face severe behavioural difficulties. I think my husband is unrealistic in his expectations and thinks as long as we love a child enough it won't have any "issues". He is someone who would totally adore his child however it arrived with us (biological / adopted). However I do think he would have expectations of how a child should behave.

I am so excited to start this journey and can't wait to meet a little person that could be ours but I also want to know more of what to expect.

You're husband will be brought back to reality when he goes through the training so don't worry about that

@Celerysam that all sounds very tough, I'm sorry for all your losses.

Its a bit difficult to specify timescales, there are guidelines for assessment but they are guidelines, and matching with a child is like the proverbial piece of string. The current situation will also have an impact. I think most people get through it all in about 18 months, some are quicker, some a lot slower.

Your husband will need a healthy dose of reality. Whilst not an adoptee, I watched the Horizon programme last night about Tony Slattery who was a very famous comic actor about 25 years ago. He was abused by a priest when he was 8 - this has affected his whole life drug/alcohol abuse, mental illnes. Might be worth watching to get your husband starting to think about the long term impact of neglect and abuse.

Adoption is all about accepting risk. The younger the child you adopt, the less will be known about what conditions they have. Unless they have the facial features, you won't know if a newborn has FAS. Many conditions only become apparent when children don't develop as you would expect, or they start school/nursery and they can't conform
to whats expected of them.
Its absolutely ok to want to parent a baby but you do run the risk of many unknowns. By contrast my 8 year old arrived with a diagnosis, EHC plan and DLA so I knew exactly what I was dealing with.

You sound like you have your head screwed on, its ok to have concerns and ask questions. Its your husband who needs to get to grips with it.
What to expect - I'd say expect the unexpected !
Good luck

As an adoptive parent of a four year old who has some attachment issues who we adopted from 6 months old it is nothing todo with how much we love him.
Your husbands view is nonsense. It also makes it seem like birth parents don’t love their children. At least in our case I know my sons birth parents loved him and his siblings but they couldn’t keep them safe.
My boy was in the hospital for 7 weeks after he was born as he was born addicted to drugs.
You have to have a totally open mind when adopting and accept the fact that your child may not meet societies expectations. I accept my son whatever happens with his development. He is a bright boy, but he will struggle in a classroom setting, we have post adoption support but I have had to fight for it.
You need resilience as a couple. You need masses of patience. You have to let go of the possibility of having a birth child.

FASD is a tricky one. The reality is that children available for adoption often (not always) come from circumstances with a degree of alcohol use by the birth mother. There is no definitive test for FASD, and most children affected by prenatal alcohol exposure do not meet the criteria for diagnosis, but are affected to varying degrees.

DD2, now aged 13, has poor attention and impulse control which has - over the past 3-4 years, been seen as more and more likely to be due to prenatal alcohol exposure. It is difficult to unpick from early trauma, but over the years some trauma-related 'stuff' has gradually reduced, but these elements remain constant.

This sort of uncertainty is typical in adoption. Often it is school that shows if/how a child's functioning has been affected, as school makes so many demands on so many functional areas.

The other side of the picture is DD is so much more than her difficulties, she is loving, generous, principled, and a talented dancer, adores caring for younger children, has a sense of humour... I love spending time with her and am so proud of the young woman she is becoming.

There is a great deal of happiness to be gained from watching your child develop, no matter what their abilities/disabilities! But you need to be able to accept that their path may not tick the conventional markers. There are still times I have to give myself a talking to, especially when a friend's child of 5 masters their 2x tables, when DD only managed it at age 10!

@Allington your DD managed the times tables in the end and as you say she is loving, generous, principled there are people who may never be any of those!

@Celerysam

@hiptobeasquare interesting point about birth parents loving their children, which I believe to be very often the case and have heard interesting thoughts on how love should not be considered a protective factor, it just is there but doesn't mean things will work out and on its own is not enough.

@Celerysam sorry for your losses. If the whole experience put your marriage under so much stress, and you both managed to navigate that and reflect on it then you wil have developed resilience for what might lie ahead. Very many people have simplistic notions of adoption, if your DH gains an understanding of the process and potential challenges then you'll both be better placed to know if it is for you.

I'm afraid love isn't enough. I used to be a huge believer in nurture over nature, but I couldn't have been more wrong.

You need to both be crystal clear about what challenges will most certainly face. It's likely any adopted dc will have attachment issues. Which will result in some behavioural issues, ranging from mild to severe.

As adoptions go, my dd was about as good as it gets on paper. Birth mum may have dabbled in drugs whilst pregnant but no abuse or alcohol. My dd was taken at birth, lived with the same foster family until she came to me at 21 months.

She's been with me for 6.5 years now, she has adhd, sensory issues and attachment disorder. If I'm honest every day is a huge struggle. I have a LA who's trying to help. But tbh her behaviour is too extreme for therapeutic parenting, she's also having sessions with a psychologist and has had a sensory assessment. She's also now in a special school

I'm not wanting to put you off as others have had very positive experiences, however I went in with rose tinted glasses on and an attitude similar to your dh.

As an adoptive parent of a four year old who has some attachment issues who we adopted from 6 months old it is nothing todo with how much we love him.
Your husbands view is nonsense. It also makes it seem like birth parents don’t love their children

I'm really hoping I didn't cause any hurt or offense. What I was rather clumsily trying to get across was that my husband is really excited to adopt but my concern is that he is niaive to what we may face because his perception is that if the child has a "nice house, a pet dog and visits the seaside" then they will be happy and won't have any difficulties. I really didn't mean to imply that anyone hadn't lived a child enough.

Thank you all for your insights. I'm really excited and nervous (& a terribly impatient person)

@Celarysam

I don't think you said anything out of turn. As I said in my first post, you sound like you have your head screwed on. Your husband's thoughts are an issue, he needs to learn fast - but you recognise that.

I think the issue you may have is wheh the penny drops, will he want to continue ?

@Ted27 you have been more succinct than me but yes that was what I was getting at.
Very many people have simplistic notions of adoption, if your DH gains an understanding of the process and potential challenges then you'll both be better placed to know if it is for you.

@Celerysam hoping you find a way forward that works for you both as a couple.
If your DH finds out more about adoption and decides it is not for him, better to know that than to get further along the process, it's been said many times here it's about finding families for children. He may of course find out more and decide it's still a possibility.

@Celerysam I didn’t think you were trying to cause hurt or offence. I just wanted to put it a different way as lots of people make the assumption that love will solve everything with an adopted child where as it take hard work and resilience. It’s best to go into it with your eyes open. It is the best thing I have ever done though, the first moment I met my baby boy was one of the best moments of my life.

Good luck @Celerysam I am sorry for your losses.

my husband is really excited to adopt but my concern is that he is niaive to what we may face because his perception is that if the child has a "nice house, a pet dog and visits the seaside" then they will be happy and won't have any difficulties.

That’s a common view to have of adoption, and at one point would have been held by professionals too. As a starting point, your husband adoring any child that comes along is a good thing - that capacity for open heartedness is a lovely trait and something to build on. In all honesty, love alone isn’t enough for any child - there needs to be active commitment, boundaries, flexibility, etc etc. In the case of adoption the training and home study will help your husband get a better understanding of what’s involved in parenting adopted children.

I usually find in a couple one person is very well read and clues up (sometimes so much so that they freak themselves out a bit) and the other is a bit less so, the important thing is that you’re very aware of your own limits and that you don’t push those in matching, and that you do read, research and explore parenting strategies for children who are traumatised.