Can I adopt with my past?

[Gloriabananahead]

Hello, I’ve been reading these threads for a little while but looking for some specific advice.
A bit about me for context. I’m 25 and always wanted to adopt. Not in the position to right now but starting some research so I can get my ducks in a row and be ready the next 5-10 years.
My main concern is I am a sexual abuse survivor. I have worked through the childhood trauma but do to not suffer from MH issues (in terms of diagnosed depression or similar). I am relatively happy and well adjusted - credit to my massively supportive family and friends. I also haven’t had any contact with my abuser for 7 years and they will never be in my life again.
If anything my childhood has made me more compassionate and aware of the difficulties faced as a result of abuse.
But will this work against me?
What can I do to show my experience wouldn’t have a negative impact on me raising a child?
Has anyone who has adopted had similar experiences, either with past abuse or mental health issues?

Apologises if this has been dealt with before. I'm new and couldn't find anything that fits my circumstances.

I do not know for certain but a friend of mine who is a survivor was told she couldn't adopt until she had worked through her issues ( she couldn't have counselling then as the court case was pending). Are you able to have an off the record conversation with social services? Are there any charities that give support to prospective adoptive parents that you could ask?

It might actually work in your favour as you will be able to empathise with a child who has experienced trauma. Although you will probably be asked to have counselling and I think they would be hesitant about you adopting a child who had suffered abuse as it may trigger you.

Hello, it sounds like you are in a good place and are thinking ahead. Your past shouldnt stand in your way, social workers often like to see that people have had counselling so if you havent had any it might be worth thinking about.

Being an adoptive parent can be very tough on you emotionally and mentally, children's behaviour and experience can trigger our own feelings about our pasts so it might be helpful to think about it from that perspective as well.
Social workers arent looking for perfect people with perfect lives, we all have pasts, and they do delve into them in great depth, so just be prepared that they will want to talk to you about it.
Your support sounds tremendous - SWs like that.
You are right to think about it and how you can show SWs that you have moved forward from your experiences but I really don't think it will stand in your way.
Just bear in mind that SWs are also people, some are more open than others to different experiences. Shop around for an agency, you don't have to use your local LA. You need to find one that will support you and see how your experiences and how you have dealt with them will help to make you a great adopter.
Good luck.

Gloriabananahead You seem to have come through that terrible time as a very well adjusted woman. Which is amazing.

I do not think that this will negatively affect your intention to adopt. If you have had some counselling, this would probably be a really good thing, to show that you have come through it and thought about ways it may have negatively affected you/might affect you in times of stress etc.

You'll also need to make it plain that the abuser is no longer in your life, etc, and I know you have said it is 7 years since they were in your life, which is good.

Excuse me for prying, and I really don't want to. But 7 years ago you were 18, so does that mean this person was in your life when you were a child and maybe you did not have the control to take that person out of your life before 18. If this is the case it may mean your parents didn't know/were not supportive etc etc - or it may not be relevant! Either way, the social worker may want to discuss this just be ready that any of this may come up and may need to be worked out before you start parenting a new child.

if you are single now and when you adopt this may also be a topic that the social worker wants to discuss, e.g. what happens if/when you meet someone after adopting. I know it is all obvious but really social workers like to know lots!

But do not be deterred, if this is right for you, then I sincerely hope it will happen.

Just wanted to say (not speaking from experience but just from the experience of adoption, as mum to a 9 year old adopted at 3) adopted kids can bring an element of stress.

The fact you can empathize well with a child who has also been through sexual abuse is, of course, a skill you may be able to use in the future.

However, I'm not sure it would necessarily be the right thing for you to choose to adopt a child you know has experienced sexual abuse.

I say this because, however well adjusted you feel now/are now, it may be that parenting a child who has been through sexual abuse may stir up some issues for you.

You need to be aware of this and prepared.

To be honest any child coming through the care system may have experienced some abuses, sexual or otherwise, even if it is not written on their profile or noted in their files.

So I wouldn't assume you need to choose a child for the reason they have experienced abuse, and also perhaps not exclude them either.

Be open about the child you will adopt, be aware of any potential effect on you of parenting a child who has suffered abuse, be kind to yourself and give yourself a massive hug because you truly are one amazing woman.

💐

Thank you all for getting back to me so fast and being so positive. I think the big takeaway is that I should seek counselling to be better prepared. I did have some during my teenage years but have been thinking about going back for maintenance.
@toothfairy73 - Thanks, great ideas I will look into.
@poppet31 - Okay, definitely important to consider. I want to be a help rather than a hinderance and need to know how to avoid/cope with these types of triggers
@Ted27 - Thank you. You don't know how much I appreciate that.
I am only just learning how challenging adoption can be but if anything it feels more right for me.
I am definitely very luckily to have a strong supportive system made of family and friends. I wouldn't be without them and know they are/will be very supportive if I ever get to adopt.
My sister is actually a social worker so I'm familiar with social services but she is a little biased towards me because she loves me.
Will keep it in mind about agencies versus LA and make sure I do my research.
@Italiangreyhound - Thank you. I think I've covered a lot of the reply in this post so I'm going to be specific.
Yes, I cut this person (my bio dad) out of my life. Realised it was 8 years actually as it was my 17th birthday. I wasn't honest with my family until afterwards but now largely open about it to close family and friends. It's no longer my horrifying secret.
Yes, I am currently single. Previously in a long term relationship with another women and may be again. Regardless, adoption is something I would like ideally. Difficult to judge what my circumstances will be in 5 plus years when I hope to adopt but I'm financially planning as though I'll be single.
Congratulations on your adoption (and everyone's) - I think you have made some excellent points and this is exactly why I'll need to be as prepared as humanly possible.

Apologies for the essay. Just wanted everyone to know I've read and appreciated all the input.

Just wanted to say that you seem to be in a really good place right now and you have been doing all the right things with counciling etc.

I know you have a few years before your ready to proceed fully be aware they will delve quite deeply into the abuse. The effects it had in you and how you dealt with it.
It might seem quite intrusive but I think it will give you a good case of how to show empathy to any child you look to take on. ( OH is a survivor of mental abuse so had some experience with this )

As one of the others mentioned you might have to be careful that it doesn't set off a trigger for yourself. The maintenance counciling might also help with this and help with some ideas of coping mechanisms.

Another idea , have you thought if some sort of sexual abuse volunteering ? It might not be right for you but it might help you and the SW to see how far you have come and how your turning your experiences into something positive. It would also help to find if there would be any triggers you might need to address. ?

(Btw if that doesn't type out correctly it's not mean to make light of the situation you are in. Sometimes doesn't sound good I text )

Blondie1980s makes an excellent suggestion on volunteering. I think that as much as you may get attached to 'clients' or service-users in a situation where you may be providing support etc, you can always leave or suspend your service if/when it all gets too much.

With a child you cannot. So it really would help you to know how much you can and should give of yourself in this very personal area. If you see what I mean.

My ds is an angel but pushes my buttons, and all kids do. So I think because this aspect if part of your story it would help to explore helping another person in the safe environment where you could leave if you needed to. You would still be doing good, and helping someone.

I'm not suggesting this instead of adopting, but as a precursor.

There are several single adopters and same sex couple adopters on these boards, so you can ask lots of questions on other threads if you want to find out even more.

And, you sound lovely.

I had an abusive childhood and have adopted twice. It absolutely came up during our first assessment. Showing that I'd had counselling and could reflect on my experiences was really what our SW was looking for. I found it useful to have more counselling post-placement to talk through the challenges of parenting as an abuse survivor. It does affect my parenting. I am cautious of trusting people with my children and I'm aware that my instinctive, protective reactions sometimes need to be tempered with a deep breath and talking things through with my DW.

I was so worried about being good enough as a parent. Childhood abuse so often brings feelings of shame and unworthiness. It turns out that I'm a good mum. I still struggle with believing that, but rationally I know it to be true.

OP, I've not adopted yet but and trying to get prepared. I'm also a sexual abuse survivor and have had lots of therapy and support around the way it impacts me.

There are two areas that I'm making a point on reflecting on with regards to adoption. The first is the significant chance of me regressing when my children are at the same age as I was when the trauma happened. I know this is a significant chance because I regressed when my nieces and nephews hit that age. The first time it came out of the blue and l was totally unprepared. The second time I was ready and I actually managed to use it as a way of healing. But I think when they are my own children it will impact me and I I have to be ready for that.

The second part is reflecting on what knowledge gaps the sexual abuse might have caused with regards to you properly parenting. For example, due to the abuse, I don't have first hand experience of safe, natural and age appropriate exploration of attraction and sexual feelings. I don't know how parents address topics such as crushes, first kisses, dates, consent, boundaries etc. I have it sorted with regards to adult relationships, I'm actually so proud of how clear I am with regards to these things for my adult self but for children/teens, I just don't have that yet. So I'm working on it. I'm giving myself the education that I never had. I'm reading puberty books aimed at teens, I'm asking friends and family members how they address these things. I'm writing down times I was let down and then writing down an approach that would be more healthy.

Wow, that was longer than I planned. I suppose what I'm saying is that is sounds like you have done a lot of healing with regards to the impact of abuse on you, now I'd recommend working on how it might specifically impact your parenting.

Well done by the way. I'm so proud of fellow survivors.

@Hotwaterbottlelove you sound like an amazing person, I'm sure you will be a great parent

@EightWellies we all struggle with feeling are we good enough. Self belief is so important isnt it? I bet you are a fantastic mum

Hotwaterbottlelove you sound amazing. I hope you find all the help you need and can also share your insights. You have so much to give.

EightWellies I am sure I have read your stuff here before. You sound adorable. I love the name.

"I am cautious of trusting people with my children and I'm aware that my instinctive, protective reactions sometimes need to be tempered with a deep breath and talking things through with my DW."

I'm not a survivor or abuse in any way but I do think I have a very finely tuned radar for danger etc.

I am quite a cautious parent and my dh is less so. In some ways having that sounding board is so useful.

I expect those who parent alone develop other ways to weigh things up. Because it isn't always clear when things are safe/sensible/advisable etc.

But I find oftenit is!

I have found (now my eldest is a teenager) that often it does became clear when we can say yes to things etc.

I'll always be very cautious and try and work out the safest way to do things.

Big hugs and good luck to all of us, parenting is hard and yet the rewards are amazing.