Looking for adoption experiences

[User146290]

Hi,
I’m looking for some information about adoption. I have been trying to gather information together for the last year to go into this with an open mind, and there’s a lot of questions I have un answered which I can seem to find much about. I would appreciate positive and negative just to have an open mind on the whole situation of adoption and how this impacts on BC and the AC, do birth families have much contact, if so how?
Has adoption been a positive impact on everyone involved?
How soon after being accepted at stage 1 to having your child at home?
Has anyone ever been turned down to adopt, if so why? (I know the obvious reasons, I’m looking for little things, unknown reasons)

It took about 2 years from enquiring to placement. We were 10 months after panel for wee man to come home which I think is quite long (we started talking to Sw about a month after panel but lots of delays).

Adoption has had such an impact both positive and negative and positive. My birth daughter was 5 and adopted son 3. It was/is really tough as my sons needs are great but they are the best of friends. It’s made my daughter appreciate and understand that everyone is different and has individual needs. He can be violent. He hadn’t (apparently) displayed any of this behaviour is foster care so we didn’t know when matching. There are so many unknowns with adoption and it is a risk.

Hi there I can tell you from my experience that adoption has been the most amazing and most challenging thing I've ever done. It's been the most wonderful decision I've ever made but also required the deepest levels of emotional resilience I have ever needed in life. I would 100% recommend it to anybody on the understanding that when they say adoption is "parenting plus", they really.mean it. I do also fwiw on good days think that our LO has benefitted greatly from our family.and home.encironment. I think we were the right fit for each other bit I'll always maintain that this isn't a written in the stars magic, that was the result of a lot of inward reflection as part of the process.

Birh family situations are very variable depending on your LOs situation. Annual letter contact facilitated via social services is generally the norm though there are occasions where other relatives such as grandparents or siblings may be allowed to have direct contact say yearly like a meet up facilitated by social services etc. Any contact that is agreed with birth family as part of the adoption should be formal and resort confidentiality so you shouldn't ever be placed in a situation where there is excessive or particularly regular unfacilitated contact. You will be warned however that you do need to consider the role of social media these days in enabling both adoptees and both parents to find each other earlier than may be ideal despite best efforts so as part of your assessment you will be asked to think about how you might handle this situation as it's better to start off being realistic about this.

We had a broken match before finding our LO that progresses quite a long way so we lost about 3ms to this but we were accepted into stage 1 in the July, attended our prep course in September (when they cleverly officially started the "clock" from), went to approval panel in February, and were matched with our initial LO in the may. This broke down in the june and we were renatched in the July. LO came home in the November. I'd realistically allow for a 12-18m journey without any significant bumps in the road but it's so hard to predict and patience is hard

We weren't turned down for adoption and with hindsight I am almost certain it was a test but if you're looking for seemingly smaller things they did make a bit deal our of the fact my partner was doing a masters at the time and made our pre stage 1 that this might be an issue. I have my suspicions this was a test tbh as onde we asserted ourselves in this never had any issue with this again! There are some things I think agencies can be a bit disingenuous about. A lot of official publications will state that many factors are in no way a barrier but anecdotally I've heard of quite a few seemingly small things representing obstacles when none of the agency's official pages etc would imply that they would be. The smaller things is where you really see the difference between an agency which applies a bit or common sense and informed decision making and one which is overly rigid and conformist and we made our decision on agencies based on this - could we work with these ppl and did they understand we were real human beings who couldn't demonstrate perfection at all times. Good luck xxx

It’s the best decision we’ve ever made. We have a beautiful 3.5 year old whom we adopted at 8 months. We have had no issues at all, and our child is bright, well attached, and surpassing milestones. We never know what the future holds, and there may be issues in the future but we’ve had a very easy ride so far.

It took us a year to adopt, from start to introductions. We have friends who took longer and others who were faster. I know a lot of adopters in real life and most have a very normal life, but a couple are dealing with very challenging behaviours.

Adoption has made our lives so much better but it isn’t for everyone and you have to go into it with your eyes wide open, and having done your research. As a previous poster aside, there are so many unknowns and risks inherent in adoption and it’s not for the faint-hearted.

Have you contacted your local authority and asked for information?

We adopted 13 years ago.
It has been an overall positive experience, but the last 4 years have been very up and down (but lots of birth parents of teens would probably say that too.)
We have letterbox contact twice a year, which my DC sometimes engage in and sometimes don't. BM has never once missed but I do know that we are lucky in that respect.

Go into it with an open mind.
Know your limitations.
Be honest with the SWs.
Expect the unexpected.

"Has adoption been a positive impact on everyone involved?" I'd like to think we have had a positive impact on our son, and I think both DH and I and our birth child have all got something good out of it too. But it has been hard, particularly on birth dd who is on the autistic spectrum.
How soon after being accepted at stage 1 to having your child at home? " About 8 months. But stage one took about a year.

Thank you for all your replies, very much appreciated. Sorry in delay, had quite a busy day.

Stinkyjellycat I haven’t yet contacted my LA, however I had contacted an adoption agency with a few questions regarding my current circumstances to see whether I would be required. (Single with 2 birth children) I was told this wasn’t a problem.
I was told from them my youngest had to be 3 before I was able to go further so I just wanted to gather a lot of information and unknown answers before hand.

Would you recommend LA or Adoption agencies?

@user146290

Hi, I'm a single adopter with one teenager, no birth children.

I have no regrets about adopting, I have a wonderful son, on balance its been positive for both of us, but mainly him. Eight years along we have overcome a lot of challenges and have arrived at a good place. But it has been hard and its cost me a lot.
How old are your children? If they are primary, my advice would be to wait until they are much older.
I would say the following to an any prospective single adopter, but you really need to think hard about these things, because SWs will want to know

• what is your support network like
• are your children's dad involved in their lives, if he is involved how are you going to manage one of your children not having a dad
• can you really afford a third child
• do you work ? what if you need to go part time?
• what are your motivations for adding a third child into the mix
• how will you cope if the child has complex needs.

Adoption is not just about getting approved, you also have to persude another set of SWs that you are suitable for a their child - you need to be as 'attractive' as poosible. I think many family finders may think you would be stretched too thinly.
Adopted children need huge amounts of input, particularly in the early days, be realistic about what you can manage.

We are only two years in with two siblings. 18 months from start to placement. No birth children, we thought we were really straight forward, still found much of the process frustrating with many hurdles to jump - non that were insurmountable though!

Kids are brilliant, they blow me away everyday with their resilience, humour, understanding and intelligence. It is bloody hard work though! Hardest thing has been my problem - adjusting to being mum. I thought I was going to be a real earth mother, but instead I felt that I had lost my identity, independence - and I shout too much, I just lost me really...and sometimes I still feel like that - but not so often now. Things (at the moment) are really good. This is down to a lot of understanding between me and my husband, we know when each other need a break. I encourage his weekly trip to the pub with his mates, he encourages me to start a project in the garden. We are also brutally honest and open with each other.

But, I can already see things that may become an issue later on within their childhoods...but then again, I think adopters are conditioned to look for things and anticipate scenarios because we know there will be complex feelings and big stuff to navigate.

Contact with birth family is yearly letterbox, BM is currently engaged. Children are aware I write letters, but don't know the content yet, I just say I let her know how they are doing and she does the same. Their life story books are always within reach and I answer questions as best I can, age appropriately - although at 4 and 5, they don't have many questions at the minute.

A year ago, I might have questioned my sanity as to why I went through the adoption process (and not because of the kids), but not now - they are adorable, hard work and I go through a million different emotions a day, but I would go through it all again.

User146290 sorry if this is a really probing question but why do you want to adopt at this time?

@Ted27
Thank you for your reply. I have took all those questions on board and none of that would be a problem. My BC don’t have their dad involved, due to his choice. My youngest is only 1, so I wasn’t rushing into this just gathering information. I was thinking more about going ahead when Dd was around 4/5 mark, my oldest would be 7/8 by then.

@Weatherforducks
Thank you for your reply, I’m glad to hear you’re finding things really good as of now.

@Italiangreyhound
I’m not looking to adopt as of yet, I’m trying to gather information to start the progress when my youngest is in school full time.
I have thought about adoption for a year now and I feel it’s the right choice to make to extend my family. As a lone parent I feel I have more time for children, however I do realise things could may as well change from now to then.
I’m quite capable having children, without issues with pregnancy/birth. However, there’s plenty of people who have children and can’t provide loving homes, safe environment and that stability, instead of having another child I was thinking of offering a child what they need. I have enough time and love to give to a child, adoption is always something that has inspired me.
I’ve heard a lot of children who go into foster career there’s a chunk which never get permanent homes regarding higher age, sibling groups or disability, so I am flexible around disabilities. (I do have a sister with cebral palsy so this isn’t new to me)

We have 2 BC and then adopted. It's early days for us, but mostly going well.

DD has no obvious developmental delays at the moment, and is quite straight forward, however the stretch from 2 kids to 3 has been harder than we thought. We're exhausted from her sleep pattern, we're now in lockdown and it's hard homeschooling and trying to care for her, and we do feel stretched.

We had a really great family life before and now it feels quite chaotic and messy. That said, I wouldn't be without her, and I really do love her the same as my BC

User146290 I wish you all the best. Adopting is hard and I expect being a single parent is very hard - so you must be brave and have a lot of energy.

I need to be quite vague so I apologise.

Make sure, if you are adopting as a couple, that you are rock solid. Any doubt about your stability as a couple needs addressing before you go into the process.

I have experience (a family member) adopting as a married couple. From initial enquiry to placement was one year. They found out about their now child days after panel, early summer. Introductions were made mid summer. Child was placed with them end of summer.

Child is just a joy, fills my heart more than I can say. Has been through so much in their short life and has no contact with birth parents. Child has development issues and is a year behind where they should be, however this should ease the more secure they feel (so I'm told).

Parent A took to parenting like a duck to water, a bond was formed and it was beautiful to watch the relationship form.

Parent B found it hard. It became apparent, over a few months, that perhaps this parent was not suited to being a parent - wanted to continue an active social life and hobbies, expected child to fall in line with said activities. I had concerns but Parent A said everything was fine, just takes time to adapt.

Cracks began to show, an attempt to save the marriage proved futile and before the adoption was official (8 months after welcoming child into their family) Parent B walked out. There are lots of issues and details about Parent B that I can't say because it would be too obvious to anyone who knows even part of the story.

The upshot of it is, B has not only walked away from the marriage but also the child.

Parent A will now pursue the adoption from afresh, as a single adopter with full social worker support. They were honest and open from the start, accessed all support and basically no matter how high they are told to jump, they jump. Child is number one priority.

I've tried to keep emotion out of my reply as that isn't relevant to your questions (it's hard though so sorry if I've failed!). I wanted you to know that a lot will be asked of your current relationships whilst forming your new relationship.

Parent A is a super star, Child is amazing. Child has massive attachment issues which wasn't helped by B walking out. Child is still young, I'm sure their issues will cause testing times in the future but hopefully our family can rally around Parent A and support, as we always have done, to ensure Child grows up feeling loved and secure.

I wish i could share a picture and proper details, so you could all agree with my OTT proclamation that Child is a true delight! 😂