The start of the process....Will my BMI rule me out?

[LeviOsaNotLeviosAR]

My DH and I have today posted our letter to our LA to express our interest in adoption (We are in Scotland).

After a chat with a SW at the start of the week they advised that once they received our form they will keep us on their database until Covid settles down and they can begin visits again.

Just wondering if anyone can share their experience of the visits. What do they ask? What do they look for?

Also, I have a very high BMI (Over 40). It is something I have struggled with all of my life, although am getting a much better hold on things during lockdown and have been able to maintain a healthy calorie control diet which has seen me drop half a stone in the past 2 weeks. Will my current weight rule me out until I get it down to a healthier level? Apart from controlled asthma I am otherwise healthy.

Thanks!

@LeviOsaNotLeviosAR Hi, I don't think your high BMI will rule you out but I think you will be asked to lower it.

I can't remember what the original forms ask you so I don't know at what point your BMI will come to light, is it on the original form or will it not be until the medical that it will be shown?

I think losing weight will serve you very well and I totally get what a struggle it can be.

My BMI was high and I was asked to try and lower it.

Do you understand all the reasons why it may be an issue?

I had a high BMI too. They were interested in how I managed my diet, did I understand what healthy food and balanced nutrition look like (yes I've been on a bloody diet for years was the answer in my head!) did I understand my own relationship with food and my triggers. My SW was more concerned than either my doc at the medical or the approval panel. My SW definitely challenged me about my weight but i realise she was doing it to ensure I was fully prepared. She turned out to be an ace SW although when she reduced me to tears on her second visit I wouldn't necessarily have said that!

I was a single adopter and I also have a chronic health condition (not weight related)

I joined a slimming group during prep and to date have lost and kept off a significant chunk of weight but I still have a long way to go.

I think the key was in showing I I understood the reasons I was overweight, I was willing to address it (even if I wasn't mega successful by the point of matching) and I understood the potential negatives of being an overweight parent. I also showed how I could cope physically with the demands of a young child despite my health condition and being overweight.

DD has been home nearly 8 years now. Best of luck with it

Thank you for your responses.

Yeah I know my triggers - I am a chronic comfort and boredom eater. Teamed with leaving the house at 7am and not getting home till atleast 6pm means we got stuck in a lazy routine with cooking (or not as it would seem our problem was!).

Lockdown has given us a chance to really make changes which we wouldn't have had the energy to tackle with our work schedules so this has been a huge blessing for us all things considered.

I want to lose weight for myself more so than for the adoption process so I think that is a good thing for me mentally being ready to tackle it whereas in the past its always been half hearted attempts.

Glad to hear it won't knock me out of the running before I even begin. It is the sole reason I ruled out IVF - I know that it will take a long time before I would be slim enough to qualify and neither of us want to delay this starting our family any longer than we already have.
I don't want to wait years to slim down, go through IVF for it to potentially fail and then have to start fresh looking at adoption if that makes sense? It feels like wasted years.

LeviOsaNotLeviosAR would you be willing to say how old you are, please? You don't need to if you don't want to.

Don't mind at all - I am 30

Like what others have said, they will want to know the reason behind your high BMI. They need to know that you will be able to set a good example for a child by eating a healthy diet. It is good that you are getting a hold on things and well done for your weight loss so far. Agencies love to see that you are making a difference. Each agency/country (I’m not sure which) has their own rules regarding BMIs. An agency in England wouldn’t take me to panel until my BMI was below 40, which I did. Second time in Wales, my BMI was over 40 (yo yo dieter I’m afraid) but was approved. Their concerns are that people with a BMI of 40 and over are more at risk of conditions such as heart issues and diabetes. They want to know that you will be able to keep up with a child and you will be around for the future. If it’s any help, I’m a similar age to you, early 30s and i have no underlying health conditions which I think helped my case.

Thank you. I wonder if you have had any counselling etc about your infertility? Have you come to terms with not having a biological link to your future child? Are you adopting with a partner and have they come to terms with this?

My situation is a bit unusual in that we had a birth daughter, then when she was 2 we were told I could not have any more kids with my own eggs. We pursued medical options including doner eggs.

This required us to have counselling to ensure I was ok with not having a genetic link to my child. When the various rounds of treatment failed, we pursued adoption (which I had wanted to do anyway) and it's all been fine.

But it is important I think to grieve for not having a genetic or biological link to the child.

Re "I don't want to wait years to slim down, go through IVF for it to potentially fail and then have to start fresh looking at adoption if that makes sense? It feels like wasted years."

You do not need to say but if you are in a couple adopting, have you been together long and what is the reason for fertility issues?

I think it is just good to be aware that you will be asked all this and I would say that the social worker will want to explore why you don't want to have fertility treatment.

I hasten to add lots of people don't want treatment. For lots of reasons so, of course it is your choice.

PaintedLady Thanks for your experience.
I know I need to slim down for my own health which is my biggest driving force so I am confident that by the time we have a child placed with us I will be in a much better position weight wise than I am currently. I just worried that I would be asked to go away and come back when I'm slimmer. I feel like my weight is just causing so many doors to be closed before i even get to knock them and I worried adoption would be the same.

I understand what healthy eating looks like - just need to make better choices and stick to them now!

@Italiangreyhound I haven't had any counselling and I think it would do both my DH and I good to go through that process. I have never considered it before but I definitely will now.
We have been together for a long long time and it is male factor infertility which came as a surprise to me - I assumed it was my weight preventing conception.
I feel OK RE no genetic links. Although a part of me will always wonder what our bio child would look/be like, my desire to be a mother comes first and foremost. That is why we have decided that fostering is not for us - I feel I need the consistency and stability of having a child become our own.

I definitly know my reasons for rejecting IVF at least for now, although it is something I wouldn't rule out if circumstances were appropriate for in our future (whether we adopt or not). Its just not for me right now.

Well done on your weight loss so far OP.
You say your triggers include comfort eating so I'd suggest you explore that a bit more while you have time to address the root cause.
Also if you're saying IVF is not for now but you wouldn't rule it out in the future have a think about why that is. Can you see why SW might want to explore the impact of you adopting and then doing IVF and having a birth child?

If you knew you could lose enough weight to try IVF by the end of the year, would you go for it? Not asking you to tell me, asking you to ask yourself.
IVF doesn't work more often than it does, and it can be horrendous, but not always.

Definitely worth exploring with a counsellor and meanwhile keep doing what you can to get to a healthier weight for your own sake.

I agree, having counciling would be beneficial and it is something I will look into for when lockdown ends.

Going through IVF in the future isn't something I am set on or feel a 'need' for if we had an adoptive child as I understand how that can massively change dynamics and be unsettling - it is more that if circumstance were appropriate It's something I would consider. The future may well dictate that it can never happen for the wellbeing of any adoptive child, and I am OK with that.

I am looking forward to being able to discuss all of this with our SW when we have one assigned. Till then I will just keep on wiring my jaw shut

Ah Levi, don't wire your jaw, that's not a DIY lockdown task!
If you lose weight slowly and steadily it's better than starving yourself.

It sounds like you do have the insight, some people might leap in and say oh a new baby would be lovely for the adoptive child to play with. I've seen a few people on here who have adopted after having a birth child and it probably happens the other way round too but less common.
Again for you to consider with your DH, if you feel more or less the same way, is he afraid of IVF because the 'issue' is him.
It's just that you said in an earlier post that the sole reason for ruling out IVF was not to delay starting your family, so maybe do some research into how long the wait might be to get into the adoption process with assessments, panels, matching etc versus how long it would take to get your BMI under 35 (usually the top end for private treatment, usually 30 for NHS if offered locally).

Sometimes the answers from your gut are not as complicated as all that and you do have a clear idea but counselling can help you dig a bit deeper if you need to.

I have friends and family who've formed their families through fertility treatment and adoption (one of the couples chose not to have any treatment) at the end of the day how the child ends up in your life is only a part of the picture.

LeviOsaNotLeviosAR 6 years post adoption I am trying to lose weight! Be good to know some good things that work!

Right, fat adopters and would-be adopters, get on over on Facebook to Team RH. Lots of (sweary) support, lots of great ideas, great plan, no weird food, foot up the bum when you need it. Go. Now.

www.facebook.com/teamrhfitness/

@Italiangreyhound I have decided to calorie count. I looked into Slimming World and couldn't get my head around it. I find calorie counting means I can still eat what I want but it is helping me to be mindful of portion sizes. I grew up with a mum who cooked like she was feeding an army so it's been probably the hardest habit to break!

It is a very hard habit to break. Showing that you know how to cook healthy meals is quite useful. Luckily for us my dh and dd were both super healthy and slim and I was the one with the weight problem but could show I was cooking healthy meals for my family.