Thinking about adoption...

[Oscaree]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and would appreciate any advice you have to offer.

DH and I have finally come to thinking adoption would be the right option for us after x3 failed ivf treatments. I just can't consider more invasive procedures and was thinking I'd prefer adoption than fertility treatment some time ago. We do know we have to wait a while before we engage with SS.

A bit of background about us: I have extensive childcare experience, was a nanny to a very young sibling group, have had several nieces and nephews stay with me for a week at a time when their parents have gone on holiday or needed childcare during school breaks. I also work in healthcare and have had the sad experience of working with SS to aid the removal of children from BP. I do understand why children end up being removed from the birth home and have seen the poor health effects on many of these children. DH is not from this country. He's Latino and lived a very family oriented Latino lifestyle - think every family member around the table at Sunday lunch, every week. He hasn't cared for the small children in his family during this time, but by being around them he does have some understanding of their needs. He has also been involved with my nephews when they've stayed over. He makes them their breakfast of choice, takes them to his man cave to play video games and does all the fun Uncle stuff. They absolutely adore him (my 9yr old nephew spontaneously said that if his parents died he would want to live with DH). But his childcare experience is limited to this. Would SS expect him to get more childcare experience if we were to pursue adoption? It has been agreed between us that I will be the primary carer and we are fortunate enough that I could be a SAHM.

The other concern I have is that DH thinks we can just waltz up to SS and say "Can we have a perfectly healthy very young sibling group pls? Preferably a DS and DD - thank you very much, goodbye". I have tried repeatedly telling him it doesn't work like that. I have repeatedly discussed that the children that would come to us would likely suffer some trauma and may have poorer health than most other children. He keeps telling me that we can just ask for what we want and doesn't seem to understand the realities. Has anyone had a partner like this? Are the courses pretty honest and up front about what to expect? I don't want to get all the way to matching for the penny to finally drop and for him to change his mind.

Finally, we also would like a very young sibling group - thinking two under two (yes I know it narrows our options greatly). As a live in nanny I had sole care 60hrs a week of 3 that were 3 and under so I know I can do it. One recruitment officer told us straight off that it's very unlikely we would get a young sibling group as there aren't many available. She also said that we probably wouldn't get a sibling group if we went F2A. Can I ask of those of you who have matched recently what your experiences were regarding this? ie did you notice if there were young sibling groups? Did your SW push you in a certain direction towards age ranges and the method of how you pursued adoption? I don't want to be pushed into one direction to suit the SW needs if it may not be right for us.

Oh and finally finally, I promise, is their a website/forum that compares LA and agencies that we could take a look at? We live in the north west and I have no idea how good the ones around us are.

Thank you for reading and TIA for your replies.

@OscareeWelcome to the wonderful merry go round of it all !!!!!

But on a serious note Im sorry to hear about the issues you have had, (i cant comprehend it at all our story is a little different )but i think it shows a great deal of strength in still pursuing a family and looking to take on children in need.

• With your OH being Latino decent is it possibly a cultural thing that he doesnt understand? (please forgive my short and generalization here) I know in some Latino / Latin american etc , the culture is a little different where as some families that might not be able to afford giving a good life to a child are willing and unwed mothers in some countries are actively encouraged to place up for adoption, where the child will have a better life. Where as here in the UK they tend to only be in the system if there are issues of neglect, etc.

*What is your partners idea of what a healthy child is? Maybe have a discussion with him as to what his ideas are. If he hasnt had much time around young children he might have a slight rose tinted view, where as your working in care you have a more realistic view.
Even birth children may be born with underlying issues as if your looking for children under 2 a lot of issues might not be recognized as still developing.

*The Adoption classes for me i found very helpful, it was very balanced it shows the good side of it.The happy stories the love we even got to meet previous adopters. However it does give you the real side of it, how tough it can be depending on ages, it also went quite in detail on why these children are taken into the care systom. Which personally i found very harrowing. Though i didnt go in with rose tinted glasses, having seen foster systems in work, but it still touched the core...

Might i suggest you do a little research together (if you already havnt ?) For example there will be films, tc shows and podcasts you might be asked to watch as well as books. There is an adoption pod cast on the bbc , there probably a lot more others here can help you with too.. (if i can find them and remember them i'll add them in here somewhere later )

*As with regards to young children experiences, my OH didnt have much to do with younger nephews and nieces, (as in looking after them ) But he was able to show that he was good with my older nephews and nieces, and that he was able to emphasize with them.

Our SW actually asked if we could " borrow a baby" but since we had no younger members in the family that wasnt possible..~

. Im not sure if you have younger nephews and nieces that you and him could take out for a day trip or a few day trips, so he can have a small experience to add to your profile (they will love that when they come to do the adopters report on you)

And last but not least... Good luck ony our journey

Hi Blondie,

Thank you for your reply. It is much appreciated. I agree with you in that I think his knowledge of adoption in his home country is completely different. I am slowly trying to educate him. He's struggling to hear the stories of child abuse as he cannot conceive that anyone would do that to a child so the researching is rather slow.

We don't have any young ones, but our friend has a 4yr old that I'm sure we could borrow - although likely not for a while considering covid.

Thank you for your well wishes.

@Oscaree its very hard to read and it will come up in the adoption prep classes.
Maybe something like a lighthearted version of a film that you can watch together too, its mostly about Foster Cares in America so its different from how they do it in the UK. But the comedy in it might make it easier to take some of the harder stuff maybe? Its called Instant Family I think you can get it on Sky, Amazon or Netflix)

Here's some of the stuff my SW recommended i watch Also when you get around to saying you want to go ahead after visits and you make an adopters profile this can all be used as evidence of prep you have both done .. I hope these help.

Secrets and Lies – An Adoptee finding her birth mother
Lion – The later in life realities of being adopted.
Good Will Hunting
A Long Road Home (1981)
Instant Family
15,000 Kids and counting (its a documentary on youtube )