Direct contact with birth parents

[JohnPA]

So basically our kids’ birth mother has never responded to our letters. We have contacted the adoption agency, but according to them they don’t know where she lives and she is nowhere to be found. However, we can see that she updates her social media often and now and again posts messages saying she misses the kids and hopes they are ok. I sometimes wondered if I should just write to her directly via social media using an anonymous account, but I know this would go against the protocol. What are people’s experiences and views on this? We feel that in a way she has the right to know that the kids are fine and being looked after by a loving family so that she can move on with her life knowing that they are ok. Thanks!

I really wouldn't. For whatever reason that's the impression she feels she needs to give on Facebook. What's underneath will be a billion times more complex. While the LA may not know where she is, she knows where the LA is and she could contact them if she felt ready to. In my view, the Facebook status updates were never meant for your eyes (or anyone else's who was actually involved).

Thanks. I think that she has cut ties with social services right from the start since they removed the kids and doesn’t want anything to do with them. However, I think she genuinely thinks about them. She has another baby now however she still mentions them in her posts.

We have/had direct contact with birth dad. I was left to my own devices to sort it out which was fine until his life started spiralling out of control again and I was left to pick up the pieces with no support.

I really would not contact her via social media yourself. I am sure she genuinely does think about the children but there is a mechanism available to her to get information. Its up to her if she uses it. Personally I feel rights are lost when the children are removed and adopted.
One of the biggest issues for me with direct contact is the danger of inadvertantly raising their expectations and you being left to manage them.
My son's dad is not a threat to him and to some extent has turned his life around but has frequent relapses. As a single mum, I was, and still would be up to a point, have been happy for him to have a dad role, but he continually pushed the boundaries and it became very stressful.
It sounds like you look at her FB quite often ? I think you need to be careful here. I'm not as against it as some adopters. I didnt look at birth mum's FB for several years, only when my son was older and started asking questions did I look for her because to be blunt I needed to know if she was still alive. I look very occasionaly for the same reason, but I'd suggest you don't make it too much of a habit and get wrapped up in their lives.
I think your children are still quite young. I'd leave well alone until they get to an age where they want to start looking themselves.

I wouldn’t suggest you contact her - there may be a dozen reasons why she’s posting on SM, many of which may not reflect her actual feelings. The thing about you contacting her is that once you’ve done it, you can’t undo it. She’ll have your name, know roughly where you are etc and will be able to find you to some extent. If you use an anonymous account, she gets a random contact out of the blue from someone anonymously telling her her kids are ok? I think that would mess with anyone’s head.

If she wants information she knows how to get it, if she chooses not to that’s her decision to make as an adult, if she chooses to post about her children being removed that’s also her decision as an adult. She has a way to find out her kids are safe and well and has chosen not to do that which is also her right. Vulnerable people have a very skilled way of drawing people into their world, be careful.

I’m in the dont look at social media camp, I don’t know what good comes from looking in on her life and has clearly left you thinking about pushing some pretty well established boundaries which could really come back to bite you.

In your shoes I’d leave well alone.

I agree with the other posters. I wouldn’t. You have done your best with trying to maintain contact. Your children will know that. I understand that she may miss them and may want to know how they are doing but protocols are in place for a good reason.

I would not open that situation on behalf of yourself or you child. If she wants to know how the children are she can find out through the proper channels, and she may do so one day.

I wouldn't contact her. What she wants people on social media to believe, and the truth of the matter, are 2 different things.

I'd be careful with FB. You don't want to pop up on her 'people you may know' feed.

It sounds as though the ideal thing would be for her to engage with letterbox, for her sake and the dc's sake, but you contacting her direct is full of risks. It sounds as though the agency isn't much help.

What you could do is contact Family Rights Group or other groups which work with birth families in these situations as they will have experience and may have valuable insights and may be able to provide useful advice which won't put anyone at risk or go against protocols. If you speak to people like this, with the right sort of awareness, then they may provide suggestions. They may know organisations which would make contact with the BM, to tell her about what she needs to do to engage in letterbox and about what organisations that might give support. They may know how to push the agency to do more, if they should be doing more. The BM may not understand her choices. It is impossible to know.

Please keep in mind the MN mantra, do not give of yourself what you cannot afford emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, too.

Vulnerable people have a very skilled way of drawing people into their world I think I see this slightly differently. I think that vulnerable people are vulnerable because they don't have skills, they either don't know the help they need or they don't know how to get it or get it appropriately or place trust where they shouldn't, though some may be manipulative, also that some people who want to help will have poor judgement themselves, and poor boundaries... but there are of course many people who can help vulnerable people, who do have good judgement, are able to recognise manipulation, are able to stay in control, are able to put in place the boundaries they need, and so can help without being drawn into anything.

I agree with @sassygromit, getting advice is key. 3 things spring to mind from your OP. Firstly all LAs and adoption agencies will have strict guidelines when it comes to tracking birth family members through Facebook and other social media. It is seen as a huge potential breach of privacy and social workers have been struck off for breaching the guidelines. Secondly there was a thread earlier this year written by a birth mother who'd never realised she could reply to letterbox contact. Thirdly, you should never take anything that anyone posts of social media at face value unless you know them personally.

If the adoption agency are saying they don’t know where she lives then they may not have passed on your letters. Did you ever meet her and discuss post adoption contact and draw up an agreement? If you didn’t, then the adoption agency may not have informed her of this right to any arrangement. In my experience, post adoption contact is the last thing adoption agencies have on their list. Their priority is to find children settled placements and discharge their obligations as soon as possible. I find it difficult to believe that if she has gone on to have another child there was no social services involvement. In any event, social services would have her GP details so could trace her that way. As someone else suggested, maybe contact the family rights group. Some of the comments on here are quite bizarre, I cannot imagine any mother who has lost their child ever stops grieving, so if she is posting that she misses them, then that is probably a genuine expression of how she feels. It’s also unlikely she received any counselling post adoption to support her in the grieving process. If your wish to establish contact is out of a genuine regard for your children’s wellbeing, then pursue it by all means, but maybe not directly unless you feel confident you can handle that conversation. There is nothing legally stopping you from doing that. The adoption agency have a duty to provide post adoption mediation and contact services, but you have parental authority so all decisions lay with you.