Stage one

[Lozza1961]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while which I’ve found incredibly useful reading everyone’s experiences.

My current position is that my ROI has been accepted by the LA and I have a stage 1 initial meeting this week (Skype). I’ve just completed the medical form and sent it off.

I am a single prospective adopter. I am financially secure and own my own home.

My question is about mental health, I had a particularly bad time in 2018 where suffered a severe depressive episode and I took an overdose and nearly died. At the time I had been struggling with physical health issues for a couple of years, plus bad depression and my Mother had also committed suicide (completely unexpected). I spent some time in hospital and I have done cbt and counselling. I have been back at work since jan 2019 and I am stable. I have explained to SW that I suffered a breakdown in 2018 and continue to take maintenance medication which she said wouldn’t be a problem. My concern is that it’s quite difficult to talk about things that happened back then and I suppose I’m asking whether there’s any chance I could be approved given my background as I don’t want to put myself through the process if it’s definitely a no go. What do you think?

I sit on a panel for prospective adopters. It is not unusual for people to have some sort of baggage from the past, it's about his you have dealt with it and what coping measures you have in pace if things get tough. Your SW will need to explore it thoroughly for the assessment and you may be asked to write a reflective piece about it. You will probably be asked to talk about it at panel. You need to get used to taking about this and al other aspects of your life. It is a very full assessment and delves into every area of your life. Some people find it very fulfilling to explore their past some find it hard. You need to decide if your desire to adopt a child outweighs your difficulty in talking about your past because your past will be laid bare during the adoption process.

Hi, that would be fine. I’d be happy to reflect on that time and what I’ve learnt. It was an incredibly difficult period in my life but I’ve come out the other side stronger, more knowledgeable and I think a better person. And I have stronger relationships because of all I went through. I guess I’m just scared of the initial ‘no’ before we even go into detail

This is obviously a very sensitive matter. I would say that if you had a mental breakdown and almost died from an overdose in 2018, it is likely to be too soon for social services to approve you for adoption. If a longer period had passed, it would be a different story, but currently I would be surprised if you were approved. I wish good luck though!

Thank you. How long do you think I’d need to wait?

Talk to the LA about your concerns as they will be able to advise you on this properly as it will all be speculation here. I have met adopters on this journey with backgrounds like you, they are very open and honest about it which helps SWs understand that you have truly got past it. I wouldnt be worried about being turned away now as they will atleast be able to advise on things you can do now to prove later you are ready. Good luck.

I agree with PPs - if it is a 'no', then it isn't a 'no and never', it is a 'not at the moment' with plenty of scope for it becoming a 'yes' in time.

And, if it is a 'not at the moment' then not giving up and doing the work they suggest will demonstrate that you are now strong enough to cope with set ups and work through them.

I’d want to know when in 2018, if it was January (so over 2 years ago I’d look at it differently than if it was towards the end of the year (ie 18 months). I’d want to see you able to reflect on what was happening at the time and your response to it then, what’s changed for you since then and how you now cope with adversity. I’d also want a to know about your physical health, given you say physical health issues contributed to the breakdown.

Things that you need to consider for yourself include

• an understanding of the huge demands adoption places on you - how would you seek support and who from

-how can you tell you’re starting slip again, what are the warning signs and how do you deal with them

• what’s your attitude towards significant mental illness now and how is that coloured by your own experiences, given most adopted children will have birth parents with serious mental illness how do you understand mental illness in your own and others lives

There’s no reason why you can’t adopt, for your own well-being I’d suggest a good couple of years under your belt before adopting but your experiences can give you a wealth of empathy and compassion for others which will be so valuable in adoption.

Good luck!

Thank you. I have been doing voluntary work since sept 2019 to aid my recovery and give me more experience. Hopefully like you say if it is a no now, perhaps it won’t always be. Will see how Thursday appointment goes

Thanks, it was sept 2018. I feel like I have so much more empathy and understanding for those who suffer from a mh illness now, due to my own situation but my mums also. I am physically and mentally stable, have been since returning to work in jan 2019. I take regular medication and understand my triggers. I wonder if it’s best to withdraw my application and wait a while longer.

Have a chat to them on Thursday in very general terms, eg outline your timeline, explain about your recovery and how things are for you at work and see what they say. To be honest, I’d want a bit longer in terms of recovery simply to see you sustain that over a good period of time, have time to hit a couple of stressors and test out your coping strategies a bit before embarking on adoption but others will vary hugely in their views on that front. The vest thing you can do is ask - you may find that after your meeting on Thursday you feel you want to give yourself more time regardless of their views.

I hope it all goes well, whatever your decision,

Ok, thanks very much

I think it’s wonderful that you have come out the other side of what you have been through. You seem to have a positive attitude and seem to have got your life back on track. You should be very proud of yourself.

I will say though that you have to understand that the adoption process is very emotionally draining and can be stressful. I’m not trying to scare you off, I’m just being honest. Social workers will go through your life right from birth until now, talk to those closest to you, go through your medical history and finances. You have to be in a position to talk about what has happened openly and honestly. Your social worker will need to know how this will affect you parenting an adopted child who may have experienced trauma and may struggle to express their own emotions and come to terms with their own issues. This can put a huge strain on your mental health issues. Just have a look at the bigger picture. Although the here and now is important, the future is even more important.
I can only go by what you have posted but I think it may be a bit soon for you to be taking this on. You are doing well and may need to minimise any more stress/emotional strain.
I hope I am wrong and I wish you all the best. Do talk to your social worker and express any concerns you have. They will be able to give you guidance. Mental health issues are so common these days so it’s never an instant rejection. Social workers are looking for how you cope and your ability to seek help if needed. You seem to be doing great.
Good luck and take care

Thank you ☺️I do understand what you’re saying