Rejected for Adoption

[SonnyRobes]

OH and I have one birth son and applied to adopt a second child.

Sorry this next part is long but necessary to understand...
Prior to and during my pregnancy OH and MIL had a number of discussions about why their relationship was not good and what needed to happen to repair it. My OH had three demands: stop lying to family members about each other, stop shouting and screaming and stop disrespecting me by saying I'm lying about the pregnancy and that he's not the father (we'd been married for three years and together for seven at this point). She met our son once (when he was a week old at a family wedding) and subsequently behaved in a way that was not acceptable (immediately telling her parents that we refused to allow her to hold our son and that she's devastated and that we're incredibly cruel - she spent many hours sobbing on the phone to various relatives telling this story and yet we have photos of her holding our son) - so we decided to cut contact for good. She was given a number of chances and is incredibly toxic. She does not live locally and SIL is not in contact with her either. We have good relationships with my parents, OH's father and step mother and his stepfather (who is no longer married to MIL). Two months after going no contact with her, SIL was coming to visit us for a weekend and MIL demanded to be driven to ours to force contact. SIL refused. On the day that SIL was due to arrive, a report was made to the NSPCC stating that our son was covered in cuts and bruises, that our house was filthy and unhygienic and that our son was not being cared for properly. The police came to our house (without warning) whilst OH was at work (he's a teacher) and they immediately said that they knew it was a malicious allegation. They were in the house for less than five minutes and could see there were no marks on our son and that the house was clean and tidy. One of the officers said they'd never had one of these call outs where it had not been a malicious allegation. We filed a GDPR request with the NSPCC to view the report and (although it was anonymous) it was clearly written by MIL - expressing concern that we're withholding the child from family members and that the "other grandparents" aren't being excluded. When a family member mentioned that a report had been made (without accusing her) and said it could be tracked through an IP address, she began to say that her computer had been hacked. When a family member who works in technology said it wouldn't be possible to do that, she claimed her PTSD makes her act out and forget. When a family member who is a doctor said it wasn't possible, she then reverted to denying all knowledge of the report.

OH and I have no criminal convictions, no debt, no CCJs, not even a speeding ticket. The police found these allegations to be untrue within five minutes. Our son is at nursery and they've never raised any concerns at all. We have family and friends and colleagues who will all vouch for us as good parents. However, we were rejected at the initial assessment for adoption because of this report - they simply can't allow anyone accused of child abuse to adopt even if it's so clearly untrue. OH and I are absolutely devastated. Has anyone else been in this position? Does anyone have any advice because we're heartbroken that we weren't even considered?

To be honest they may also have concerns about an already vulnerable child being brought into such a toxic environment. I know its not of your making, and you don't have to give an answer, but is it a problem that you can keep away from your children or are you going to be subject to this behaviour time and time again. What do you think her reaction would be to hearing about an adopted child.?

You could try another agency, another SW may be more sympathetic and open to having a conversation with you about addressing any other issues or concerns, If all these events are fairly recent, it may help to show that you can maintain the no contact for a significant period of time.
Good luck

Hi Ted27,
If that were their concern then I think that could be easily allayed. OH and I have not had contact with her since our BS was one week old, SIL hasn't had contact with her since BS was just over 2 months old. Her ex-husbands are not in contact with her and obviously no one in my family is in contact with her. She doesn't know our current address or phone numbers. It would be very difficult for her to be able to do anything to us - certainly not a high enough risk for us to never be allowed a second child.
Their concern appears to be a "no smoke without fire" mentality, even though the police came to the house and said "nope, no fire and no smoke either". Like I said, OH is a teacher and is around children all day every day - it's absurd to think they'd continue to employ him. We didn't attempt to hide the report and disclosed it immediately when they asked if we'd had any involvement. Our son is healthy, up to date on vaccinations and sees the doctor as and when he needs to - they've never had any concerns. His nappy is changed at nursery and they've never noticed any marks or cuts or bruises. We moved into our house a month before the accusation was made and could provide a reference from everyone who'd been inside it that it had been clean and tidy when they visited (only SIL, my parents and my OH's best friend had been inside in that time).
They've just assumed that the report is true and that we're abusers so we can't adopt. We could try another agency but we got the impression from our LA that this is something that they can't budge on. Surely we can't be the only people who've had these kinds of accusations?

Have you challenged the decision? It would be worth asking the manager to visit your home and explain the reason.
Often Social Wokers get caught up in 'being thorough' that they end up missing the wood for the trees. I speak from experience and ended up having the head of child services sorting our issue out, but we did have to go to our MP to sort it.

Good luck.

I’m so sorry to hear what you have been through. We have had a similar thing. No allegations or anything but we had sabotage/bad mouthing us. Day before adoption panel MIL sabotaged us (can’t go into too much detail). That ended the adoption process after 18 months. Due to this situation we got turned down by two agencies for fostering and one agency for adoption. We fought tooth and nail to clear our names and to get where we are. I sent a 40 page document to one agency explaining our side, just for them to ignore it. We then tried with our current agency and I remember crying down the phone at the SW as I tried to get our side across and here we are a year later, approved and waiting for our LO. My advice, don’t give up. Try different agencies. Be completely honest and ensure the agency have all the facts. It’s hard to do but showing empathy (even if you know it’s absolute rubbish) shows maturity on you part. Consider counselling. You may not get anything out of it but it looks good on paper. Take time out. We moved house, bettered ourselves and went back 2 years later. Hope this helps

@PaintedLadyWBB
So glad you have a happy ending!

That's so terrible I've got no advice but I really hope you can find an agency to take you forward.

The first thing I’d do is request a copy of the police report following their visit, and a copy of the notification that would have been sent to the local child protection team (may be called something else where you are, I’m in Scotland so my terminology might be different). That way you’ll have all the information about the report that was made and all actions taken since. I’d also ask for a copy of all information held about you by social work - you don’t know that your mum hasn’t reported other stuff that they’ve filed as malicious.

You didn’t say if you’d applied through an agency or the local authority? If it’s an agency, try the local authority who may be more comfortable given they’ll have all the relevant info anyway.

If it’s through the local authority, appeal the decision made re adoption - work your way through the line management process until you get someone who can explain clearly what their concerns are and ask them to reconsider.

You don’t say how long ago this all happened but I’d suggest if it’s been less than a couple of years, I’d wait awhile and try again.the issue may well be the potential for bringing a very vulnerable child into a situation which on the face of it looks incredibly volatile.

Good luck, this may be a bit of a battle but with a lot of tenacity there’s no reason to think you won’t get there.

This sounds like a dreadful situation. The thing I picked up on is you mentioning your BS having his nappy changed at Nursery. Unless he has SN, I'm presuming he's quite young, which would also affect your application. I know it's easy for me to say, but I would give it six months to a year and then try again. By that point he will be older and you'll have a longer record of no contact.

Jellycatspyjamas excellent points.

Hi @Jellycatspyjamas,
Thank you for your advice. We have a copy of the report as we got one immediately and checked with various authorities about any other reports that could've been made. One was made to the RSPCA but we never found anything else. Our local social services were somewhat involved at the time - the NSPCC and police automatically pass on everything to them (and the police told me that when they visited the house). I phoned social services on the Monday (police visit was on the Friday) and they said that they review the case but almost always if the police has dismissed it then they'll dismiss it without further investigation - the social worker asked if I'd like them to contact even if they've dismissed it and I said yes. She phoned back a couple of days later and said it's been dismissed. We're applying through the same local authority team so they already have all of this information.
@EightWellies I meant that as he started nursery at 6 months old they were changing him and there were never any marks.
I feel like they're being a bit unreasonable for them to have dismissed the allegation without even looking at anything because they believe it to be provably untrue but then say that we can't adopt because they don't know if it's true.

I could be being paranoid here but truthfully it feels like an excuse from our agency. They seemed to have real issues that OH would be doing the majority of the parenting (i.e. the one to take time off work). They asked repeatedly why that was the case (reasons being that 1. I earn a lot more, 2. My employer/industry are less supportive, 3. He works in childcare and so knows more, 4. He drives and so visits to birth family contact are much easier, 5. He's already part-time and, as a teacher, gets 13 weeks off anyway) and they weren't really satisfied with our reasons at all. They suggested during our interview that if it's so easy for OH to take time off then perhaps we should both take time off for the first 9-12 months and even went through our finances to see how feasible it would be for neither of us to work (it's financially fine but I enjoy my job and need some balance in my life too - if I could take time off without it impacting the future then I would but I'm in a very competitive role and see no benefit to not working). Am I being crazy or could this be the issue?

@SonnyRobes

I think you may have a point. You need an agency that you can trust and feel you can work with, its a two way relationship. If you arent getting positive vibes from them, to be honest I would go elsewhere.

I had issues with my LA about being single, my SW clearly did not think it was a good idea, I stuck with it for several months despite my misgivings and eventually went elsewhere. It was the right decision to move on but it wasted an awful lot of my time. I wish I'd known when I started that you could shop around for an agency.

I think male primary carers are increasing but I don't think its common. Its possible that some LAs won't have come across such outlandish notions yet. I have heard of other adopters being challenged over this.

Your plans seem utterly sensible to me, its what will work for you so don't be pushed into something that fits into some outdated 'norm'.

Put together with the other issue, personally I would move on.

I agree with Ted.

Children have such a range of needs any SW/agency should be open to a range of family set-ups, rather than see anything other than two-parents-male-breadwinner as somehow a second best. Find one that see a male primary carer as a potential plus when matching, because that might be best for some children yet is still fairly rare.

They suggested during our interview that if it's so easy for OH to take time off then perhaps we should both take time off for the first 9-12 months and even went through our finances to see how feasible it would be for neither of us to work

I think sadly you might be right. Their suggestion is ridiculous - they’d never suggest that if it were the other way round, so very discriminatory. I’d appeal that up through their complaints or review process, get a senior manager to look at it and give you a clear written explanation for their decision making. Depending on what comes from that you may be able to continue the process with them or chose to go elsewhere - to be honest if that’s even part of their decision making I’d be inclined to go elsewhere because it points to a truly shit value base which will be apparent elsewhere in the process.