Should I contact her?

[ACNHaddict]

As a teenager I had a baby who I voluntarily put up for adoption- absolutely no abuse or anything, it was all planned before she was born and was simply due to my age and circumstances. Life goes on, I get married and have dc but obviously I still think about birth daughter (BD) a lot.

This bit obviously reflects very badly on me but I know her name and where she lives, her parents have unusual first names and after googling I found her Twitter account a couple of months ago. Only contact has ever been a letterbox scheme whereby the parents send me a letter every year about her progress. This stopped about 3 years ago though as they said they weren’t comfortable writing about her without her knowledge. They also asked me to stop writing my yearly letter as they have never shown my letters to her and said they only ever would if she asked to see them as an adult. I understood why they did that but I did feel a bit lost without having the annual letter to look forward to.

She’s 18 now and for the last couple of months I’ve been reading her tweets (I know, I know, I shouldn’t but I just keep doing it). For the last few weeks she’s been tweeting a lot about the fact she’s adopted. Mostly very practical stuff saying that she has a health condition and she’s curious as to whether it was something she inherited, that there’s very few online resources for adoptees etc.

A couple of days ago she tweeted something along the lines of ‘its pretty hard to have any self esteem when the person who gave you up for adoption before she even held you has never even tried to find out if you’re alive, let alone ok’ followed by ‘I can understand giving up a baby at birth. I can’t understand refusing to sit down and have a discussion with the person you gave birth to even when you know they’re not angry with you, just confused’.

I’m assuming her parents have told her that I’ve never replied to the letters. Or possibly even that she asked to get in contact with me and they told her I wasn’t interested.

I don’t know what I should do. I don’t want to go behind her parents back. From what I can tell they have given her an absolutely wonderful life, so far removed from anything I could have done. But also I don’t know why she’d have tweeted those things without being given incorrect information.

What should I do?

Go through official channels.

You know you’ve overstepped with the cyberstalking, so don’t go any further down that route. Definitely do NOT contact her online.

I do understand there’s a compulsive element to it once you have the information to find someone online (and plenty of APs keep tabs on BPs online too), but it has landed you in a more complicated dilemma than necessary.

I agree that it sounds as though your BD has been misinformed or has misunderstood something she was told. Which might mean that the APs aren’t keen for there to be a reunion or might mean something else. It’s very common for adopters to be opposed to contact in their child’s late teens or early twenties anyway, for maturity and life stage reasons. So you can consider yourself forewarned that they might feel resistant, protective or downright territorial.

So do it the official way (The Adoption Contact Registry and whichever agency handled the adoption), make use of a trained intermediary, and keep the information you’ve gleaned unofficially to yourself completely.

At least what you’ve seen online can help you sensitively feel your way around the delicate issues if and when reunion happens.

I can really understand you wanting to be in touch with her - the problem with what your doing is that you understandably make assumptions based on what she’s put on social media. She has the right to process her feelings about her adoption. It’s not necessarily the case that she’s been given wrong information - children who are adopted often gave their own narrative about what happened and why irrespective of what they’ve been told or whatever the real story is. I know both of mine do though they’re still quite young.

I doubt she would have written what she did if she thought fir a second her birth mum would be reading it - it’s a massive breach of her privacy for you to seek her out like that. I agree with the previous poster, go through official channels, and stop following her on social media. While I know you don’t want to cause her any difficulty, the reality is you don’t know how she is day to day or what the impact on her psychological health might be if her birth mum popped up out of nowhere.

Hard as it is, back off and contact professional services if this is something you hope to pursue.

Adult adoptee here.

My adoptive parents were very open with me about my adoption as a child. They became unexpectedly more uncomfortable with talking about it with me and with me feeling able/wanting to share this information with others as I got to an age where I might be in the position to do something like get in touch with them.

So, in your case, I am not surprised that the letters suddenly stopped when they did. They may well have been seeking to quietly shut the whole contact down before she came of age.

She will know if they are uncomfortable and may be driving searching/questioning etc underground. They may or may not have directly said something to mislead her. It's hard, in these situations esp the age she is, for the imagination not to run wild. On balance, it sounds like she did get this idea from somewhere specific, it's just something to bear in mind.

What outcome are you looking for? A renewed relationship? No, judgement here by the way. I did make contact with my BF but we don't have ongoing contact. Every situation is very different.

I would go on that registry, by the way.

She is 18 so I wouldn't beat yourself up having searched for her. However, it is something that I would keep quiet on if you contact SS. In your shoes, I would be phoning them and saying that the parents shut down letter box prior to her turning 18 and you were disappointed but didn't know what your options were. Now she is of age, what are the 'rules' so to speak.

But going into this, I'd like think through where you see this heading. But also - this may change when you do meet. It is very like writing a birth plan in so far as they rarely proceed as you think.

Good luck.

@ACNHaddict I agree with the advice to go through official channels

Please don't make assumptions about what her parents may or may not have told her. My son is nearly 16 and has said a lot of very similar things over the last few years. But he would be horrified if his birth mum tried to contact him. Thats not to say he does not want to meet her at some point, but it must be at his instigation and pace.

She is expressing a lot of very natural thoughts and is trying to work through issues but she may not be ready to actually speak to you. If you contact her directly you may force her into a response, but it may not be what you want to hear.
Go through the SWs, they can support her in contacting you, when she is ready.
If you haven't done so already, you should give some thought about your expectations if and when you do make contact. Are you expecting to develop some kind of on going relationship, are you prepared for her wanting a one off meeting to answer her questions but no more?

Lastly if by you know where she lives is a general such as the town, which can be very obvious information thats one thing. I hope you dont mean you know her address because that would have taken some digging and I wouldnt be very happy about that.

Hi ACNHaddict like most on these boards I am mum to a child by adoption, I am also birth mum to a child too.

I agree with all the things above about going through the proper channells.

I also want to agree that whatever her adoptive parents did or not not say to her, she may have some ideas she has picked up or gotten hold of so please do not assume adoptive family have directly told her certain things.

Lastly, please look after yourself. If at all possible have a little counselling (this may be available via Zoom etc at reduced prices at this time) just to prepare you.

Prepare you for what happens or doesn't happen, what she says or doesn't say. So that if and when you meet up (or have contact) you are in the best possible place to pursue a friendship/relationship that will work out long term (if that is what you both want).

My adopted son is half the age of your birth daughter, so it is hard to imagine him going along that route etc. but it may happen some day and I am mentally preparing myself and wanting to help him.

My daughter is quite close in age to your birth daughter and her life is so full of so many things. It's such a tough age, young adulthood.

Well done for all the choices you have made and for your deep love for your daughter. Please do it all the right way, don't sabotage it by doing about things in a way that might make it harder for her, and for you.

Good luck.

I'm an adoptee. You should definitely contact her. I would have loved to hear from my BM.

Thanks for your replies. I have no intention of sending her a DM or anything, I’m sure that would frighten the life out of her. I hadn’t really thought about how I wanted her to get the information tbh. Perhaps it is just her way of processing it and she has seen my letters/ at least known that I have tried to follow up etc.

I did contact SS a year ago to update my address details. They told me the letterbox scheme had been closed and therefore they didn’t need them. I asked if they needed my address in case they ever needed to pass it on to BD in years to come but I was told once the letterbox scheme ends they no longer keep any contact details for the birth parent. This was before she turned 18 though so I don’t know if there’s some different scheme or system for storing details. I’ll contact them after the plague to see what the deal is.

WRT what I’d want out of any contact, the honest answer is that I don’t know. We have some incredibly niche things in common - love of same hobby, both competed at a high level in the same sport, my husband has the same profession as her parents, that I think she’d actually find it uncomfortable. Especially as I knew the profession of her parents and didn’t fully understand what it was, when I first met my Dh our first conversation was me drilling him on his job because I was curious. So I think a lot of it she’d struggle with, thinking I’m an obsessed stalker or something (which I’m truly not - despite having found her on Twitter which admittedly is pretty bad).

But also - I have my life. I’ve coped with it so far without her. I’ve thought of her and I’ve hoped she’s happy and the letters I received were a constant reassurance that I’d made the right decision. I like to think she’d at least understand practically why I made the decision I did, even if she doesn’t emotionally. If she wanted any kind of ongoing relationship at all then that would be brilliant but I would expect her to want one.

WRT what I’d want out of any contact, the honest answer is that I don’t know. We have some incredibly niche things in common - love of same hobby, both competed at a high level in the same sport, my husband has the same profession as her parents, that I think she’d actually find it uncomfortable. Especially as I knew the profession of her parents and didn’t fully understand what it was, when I first met my Dh our first conversation was me drilling him on his job because I was curious. So I think a lot of it she’d struggle with, thinking I’m an obsessed stalker or something (which I’m truly not - despite having found her on Twitter which admittedly is pretty bad).

Why would she think that? Those things are just evidence of a) genetics and b) good matching.

I don’t know really, I just thought she’d find it odd. Although genetics would probably play a part I’m guessing her parents introduced her to the sport at a young age because they knew I’d done it (it really is an odd one, sort of fencing level of weirdness). I think to me that would kind of feel like my life had been manipulated without having had any input into it. But then I have had 18 years to spend thinking far too deeply into this.

It's odd because if you leave your details in the relevant places you will be easy to find.

Do you mean through SS randommess? Or just making your details available online? There are adoption websites where you can leave your details but they’re fairly accessible to everyone - a lot of people don’t know I had a child as a teenager adopted, I’d hate for someone to find it out by googling my name.

Although to be fair I haven’t looked at those websites for years, that may have changed by now.

I think the Salvation Army offer a tracing/contact service it may be worth asking. They can act as an independent 3rd party.

@ACNHaddict there are several organisations that provide support for birth parents, probably worth a google.
I thought you could either ask for your address to be left on her file, or leave it at central point so if she decided to look for you, she would know you wanted to be found.
My son is a couple of years younger, we have done a lot of work with him on his life story. The teenage years are always difficult, they are all working out who they are, its more complicated for adopted kids.
They have such a lot to work through. My son has a more complicated story, but he is coming to an understanding of his birth parents story, and why things happened as they did. He still has questions but I'm sure with time and maturity, he will at least have a cordial relationship with them. There is every chance that your daughter will be able to arrive at an understanding too, but it will take time.
The hobby thing is interesting. I'm a single parent, I have managed to keep up with my son's sporting hobbies, I take him to matches and events. But the ones I have absolutely no interest in, such as Grand Prix, which I have never encouraged but which he is most obsessed with (he has ASD), are the ones his dad is interested in. Her parents may or may not have introduced her to that sport, but competing takes commitment which she wouldnt have done unless she had apititude or interest.
I understand the temptation but for your own well being I'd stay off the twitter and focus more on getting some support in deciding on your next steps.

Thank you all for your advice and a much needed reality kick. I’m staying off Twitter for the time being. I know I’d just keep checking her account every time I logged on so I thought it best that I just deactivate my account for a while.