Ages of yourself and your children

[hello538]

Just that really - how old was you when you adopted and how old was your children.

I was 47, DH was 54. AS was 6 years old.

We were 37 and 36 and the kids were 3 and 7

All amazing people adopting all these kids. So heartwarming 😊

We were 32 & 33 and DS was 6 1/2 months coming home x

We were both 29 and LO had just turned 1

@@themaniac

All amazing people adopting all these kids. So heartwarming 😊

I'm sue you meant no offense but this is probably in the top 5 things of 'what not to say to adoptive parents'
Telling us how 'amazing' we are makes our children feel like charity cases. Our children have been through much more than most people and they are the ones who are way more 'amazing' that most people realise.

@LittleMissBrainy well that's the last time I try and be nice now!!!

I was 41, my dd 21 months

@themaniac

Please accept my apologies, I did not intend to offend you. However, it's a subject that comes up a lot on adoption discussions and forums and I thought you should know in case you were to say it to someone in real life, as most of the time we smile politely whenever anyone tells us how wonderful we are. The thing is, adoption is a two way thing, just as birth children do for their parents, our children give us way more than we can give them. It's not altruism, we want a family and families come in many different forms, this is just our way.

@LittleMissBrainy what is a good thing for me to say? Obviously I don't want to offend anyone so any help you can offer me I will learn from. I always wanted to adopt but we were too scared and never thought we could be good enough people and parents to do it. So please help me to be more considerate and teach my kids to be nicer xxx (I did get slightly defensive before sorry but we won't learn without knowing ) xxx

I was 44 lo was 12 months

@themaniac I will take your compliment and bloody run with it...thank you, I think adopters are wonderful and it doesn't offend me.

@LittleMissBrainy is right, it is mostly a two way thing - we adopted because we wanted kids and it didn't happen naturally for us - not because I am generally an all round lovely person. But, it's a long hard road to become an adopter and the trauma a child carries resonates for many years - and for that reason adopters are wonderful.

The phrase that does irk me (although meant with no malice) is: 'the children are so lucky', nah they are not, in fact, they have had terrible luck in their wee short lives.

Not many of us knew the language to use and all of the ins and outs before we started the process - so don't worry. I often use the wrong terminology and get shot down. If you know an adoptive family - just treat them as the family they are...It's ok to ask as well (we are a pretty resilient bunch). I get asked by teachers/doctors etc. 'do they call you mum?' - in my head I think of course they do, because I am - but they wouldn't know that would they?

If you are still thinking about adopting, have a look around the threads, go to an open evening. I am not terrible person...but I'm ok - I am also no where near the parent I thought I would be, but we all do ok as a family, you don't have to be perfect to be an adopter.

@themaniac
Apologies again, I'm afraid I read your message and forgot to come back, but thankfully @Weatherforducks has replied and I agree with her. Maybe I should have accepted the compliment, I am a natural martyr, so compliments don't sit well with me, (but I totally realise that is my issue, no one else's ) so apologies again.

I guess it's the same for a lot of situations that are slightly out of the ordinary, everyone says or asks very similar things, not meaning any offence but also not realising we hear very similar things off a lot of people.
For adoption we often get:
Do they see their real parents?
Why were they adopted?/ what's their story?
They're so lucky
You're so wonderful
Is there anything wrong with them?
They look normal
All children do that

And others. As I say, it's never (at least I hope never) said with any malice, but it can get a bit draining.

Just off topic but on a similar vein, I had a friend who had twins, and the questions she always gets asked are 'were they natural?' And 'did you have a cesarean?' Both of which she finds incredibly offensive and generally asks back if they had a vaginal birth!

Anyway, I'm waffling now, but all that being said, adoption IS something wonderful, and if it is something you are still interested in, I would recommend you go along to some information evenings run by your local adoption agencies. As @Weatherforducks said, you don't have to be the perfect parent! Well at least I hope you don't otherwise my poor girls have definitely drawn the short straw!

@littlemissbrainy

Thank you for taking time to reply I do appreciate it. I am one for digging myself into holes and not knowing what to say for the best, but would hate to offend anyone.

My son once saw a man with one of those metal fake legs. He thought it was the coolest thing ever and he must be a superhero, I thought that was ok but my mum shushed him quickly and made him look away to not be rude. I just don't know what's acceptable at times. Especially with areas that's aren't talked about.
I would love to adopt, but wouldn't want a baby but can't imagine how hard it might be to have a school age kid and understand anything what they might have been through and my husband is too scared to try 😔 some kids definitely draw the short straw in life, but the ones who find loving homes are 'lucky' in comparison to the kids who are older and grow up without any love or a family.
I think most people are amazing in different ways ❤️

I was 32, DH was 38 when ds came home, he was 20months old. We also have a birth daughter who was 9 when Ds came hone.

I'm 38 and m daughter has just turned one x