Tantrums and tears during introductions (not just mine!)

[mahrezzy]

Hello all. I've posted previously about being petrified about starting introductions (I still am, I'm still a wreck!) and how introductions were delayed because of Coronavirus and the lockdown.

I'm incredibly thankful that my LA has agreed to start up introductions again, and this started last week (over a three week period). I know lots of people aren't being given this opportunity and I'm so, so grateful.

My little boy is now 21 months and we've definitely bonded. When I arrive at the FCs house he bounds over calling 'mummy'...... we've probably seen each other about 15 times in total now (from our first glimpse where we met to 'playdates' after that) as well as lots of video calls and he lets me play with him, feed him, change his nappy etc. However he hates going to sleep and fights it every step of the way but I've managed to put him down a couple of times, despite there being plenty of tears (he cries with the FCs he's extremely attached to too, I know it's not just me, although there is a huge element of not wanting me to be the one to put him to bed or for a nap).

However, I know that him seeing me more and more (with a view to him coming home the week after next) is starting to impact on him and some of his tantrums are about him wanting his FCs. Whenever he has a tantrum I stay calm and use a variety of tactics to ease him through it. I try to explain what's going on and why I think he feels the way he feels, I distract him, I sing to him, I pull funny faces, tantrum with him, I read to him, I ignore him (while staying close to him). I'm at a loss though as I think it's perfectly reasonable that he feels the way he feels (he wants the carers he's used to, he wants to feel in control) and he's expressing his emotions in the only way he knows he can.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can help him and me through these tantrums during the next two weeks (and beyond, of course!). How can I further bond with him and start to shift the attachment so that his tantrums are less about not wanting me and more about the situation at hand? Or am I being overly optimistic and wanting something that's going to take months and months?

Thank you in advance.

Hi all, sorry for the slow reply. My son came home a few days ago and is doing really well. He has epic tantrums when he wakes up where he calls for his foster carers and is inconsolable. I understand this is grief and that he's mourning them, and that he should. It's very hard to watch him go through it and I try to bear it with him the best I can. He won't let me comfort him during these periods so we muddle through with the techniques shared on here. Other than that he's getting more and more comfortable every day. He even snuggled with me this morning!

Oh @mahrezzy It's great to hear from you. I am so happy your son is home. You sound like you are doing amazingly! The grief for your son will likely wax and wane.
Take it easy, keep things relaxed and nurturing, find out what makes him giggle and goof about! Get plenty of rest.
Congrats! Remember we are here to help! 😄

Janet Lansbury is very good on accepting feelings while letting the child decide if and when to take comfort from you. She's not an adoption specific writer but I think her approach is compatible certainly in this way.

Couple of examples:
www.janetlansbury.com/2018/12/the-best-way-to-deal-with-intense-tantrums/

www.janetlansbury.com/2015/03/braving-the-silence-the-secret-to-nurturing-emotional-resilience/

www.janetlansbury.com/2014/11/when-empathy-doesnt-work/

Fog morning snuggles are the best. Well done.

Morning snuggles are the best!!!!!

@mahrezzy how are you getting along?

@user1479136681Hello, currently enjoying the peace of nap time!

It's all going well. He babbles about his foster carers by name regularly but has stopped crying for them and calling for them when he wakes in the night. Yesterday he packed a little toy suitcase and told me he was going to stay with them. I tried not to take it personally and remembered that his world is still very small. They're the only other people he really knows other than me. He still has epic tantrums (of course he does, he's a toddler!) but he now lets me (mostly) comfort him physically when he's feeling that way, which helps enormously. We've made progress.

I'm doing okay. He's very very very busy and constantly on the go, so I have my work cut out for me. But he's funny and charming and I wouldn't change him for the world. I fear for the pain he'll experience later on when he understands he's been adopted and I wish I could protect him from that, but I also know this is his story and all I can do is to help him navigate it the best I can. I'd also love for him to meet my family. Of course, even without lockdown it would still be too soon but it's hard not being able to let anyone into my house to sit with him for a bit so I can have a long shower to shave my legs so they're warm weather ready!!!

I hope everyone else is well. Thank you for all the support. I really did need it!! xx

Have you looked at therapeutic parenting for his tantrums? You don't try to get him out of them, but let them run their course and empathise with him. 'It must be so hard ds, you must miss your fc so much' 'it must make you so sad not to be able to see your fc everyday' sometimes if they realise you understand it makes them feel better