Please help me with DD

[Rainallnight]

Hello, can I ask for some help?

DD will be 4 in June. She was placed at 8 months old. Her little brother is 21 months old and was placed a year ago.

My mother died two weeks ago. My dad died about 18 months ago. We’re in lockdown (like everyone). I am not doing well.

DD’s behaviour is very challenging at the moment. She’s always been ‘strong-willed’, and prone to outbursts if she doesn’t get her own way (and she is 3!) along with some hitting, but this has generally been manageable and is balanced by the fact that she’s also lovely, bright, caring, funny and generally brilliant.

But things have really escalated lately. She is very angry. She shouts at me, shouts at her brother, shouts at DP. Just as an example, she was looking for a drink today and I told her her cup of water was in the living room. She brought it out to me in the garden and screamed at me that it was empty and threw it across the garden.

That sounds like a small example but this sort of thing is constant.

She is constantly pushing and shoving her brother, and snatching things from him (this isn’t entirely new but has intensified).

She has begun to do less and less of what she is asked.

At the same time, she’s begun to be very down on herself in a way I find a bit scary. If I tell her off, she says that she’s ‘rubbish’, or no good with people’. I do think I’ve always been very patient with her and I really don’t tell her off a lot (with an important caveat coming below) so I don’t know where this is coming from.

She is also extremely clingy and won’t go to the loo, put her shoes on etc on her own. She wants me all the time.

DP is wfh full time and I’m with the kids all day every day on my own and I am beginning to feel so low, being on the receiving end of her behaviour. And it’s making me very cross - I’m not at all a shouty parent but I’ve shouted about three times in the past week. Today I was worried I was going to smack her.

To complicate things further, we’ve moved to my parents’ house in a different country for lockdown (because we were afraid we wouldn’t get to see my mother before she died) so her life has been turned upside down further.

She’s clearly struggling, as am I.

Please, what can I do? I feel like I’m really having trouble coping.

If you’ve read this far, thank you, and please be gentle.

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. Is there any way you can now get back home? I totally get why you moved for lockdown but maybe now she needs to be home?

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Seems like everything for you has been turned upside down and your children will be picking up on this, DD is likely feeling scared and anxious about the changes to routine and not being at home. Like previous post, sounds like going home needs to be considered.

I'm sure all will improve with time, I'm not surprised your patience and fuse is shorter than normal under the circumstances- don't be too hard on yourself!

It's a really difficult situation for you and your DD, dealing with grief in lockdown sounds so hard.

It sounds like you need a break. Can your husband be with the children during his lunch break? Or after work? Even 30 minutes during the day could help you and you deserve to take a couple of hours to yourself in the evenings and weekends. Maybe you could spend time with one child each?

There's no easy way around this because we are all lockdown, but reaching out to adoption support may help and there are online support groups happening. Are you able to get out for a walk with DD each day so she can burn off some energy?

Sally Donovan suggested doing home holidays when times are hard, get easy food and don't worry about getting dressed.

It is an incredibly stressful time for everyone, but on top of that you are living away from home, dealing with grief etc so I am not surprised you are struggling.

Scheduling time for your husband to look after the children is a good idea.

Also, reduce expectations of yourself and DD to the minimum. The fewer demands she has the fewer things to fight over. It won't hurt during this period if she spends all day in her PJs, or watches more TV than usual (unless this affects her behaviour). Treat her as a bit younger than usual, and give her as many 'easy' decisions (where you don't much care either way) as possible as if she is a toddler, so she can feel a bit more in control.

This too shall pass

Hiya.
I'm very sorry for your loss. It's hard being in lockdown but battling grief and being a sole parent is very hard so don't be hard on yourself you are allowed to shout and be upset and angry it's a difficult time.
I think like the other suggest you probably should think about moving home as that will be one less thing your daughter is anxious worrying about.
Its actually good that she is angry although within reason as that's a good thing as if she can then come out the other side of it she will then probably be angry with herself and then work out what she has done wrong and be more likely to say sorry it also makes them emotionally independent too if u stop her or intervene she won't learn as much this is based on my personal experience though.
I think clinginess is very common and I think it's something you might just have to go with currently maybe put her outside the toilet but talk to her still then next time leave her in the other room but still talk to her and eventually you should be able to wee in peace 😊.
I think if she has a TV pyjamas day it won't hurt maybe popcorn etc and you all sit on the sofa together you in the middle so u have both kids and she has to see u r mum to both too.
With regards to getting ready etc make a game of it with you say whoever puts there shoes/ clothes on the fastest is the winner you can always use an incentive if u want. Make a big deal of it when she wins!
I think with things like throwing her drink you just have to be clear and say that's not nice and maybe don't give her a drink and say we'll you obviously didn't want it as you threw it at me.
Reach out on here. Look at adoption uk Facebook pages plus there site.
At the end of the day have a glass of wine or whatever ( I recommend Gin 😂) put netflix on have a cuddle with hubby and you survived another day and you can do it again and each time will get easier. The lockdown isn't going to be forever and there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

Good Luck and remember you are a fab mummy and you got this 👌

@Rainallnight this is so very hard. I would just say if at all possible, I would go back home.

If that is not possible then I would just try and get through this time as best you can. Can your dh habe any sort of leave, even half a day a week to lighten the load?

You’ve got a huge amount on your plate, so lower your expectations of yourself and your daughter. You don’t say whether your daughter had a relationship with your mum but she’ll be grieving too and have no real concept of death and what that means, or why mummy isn’t doing well (in your words). And you’re all away from home in a place she’s less familiar with - and remember that for her when she’s been in a strange place with emotions running high before, she’s ended up with a new family.

I’d take her right back to a much younger age, it sounds like she’s regressing - which children do when they’re struggling - so think of her having the capacity of a 2 year old, and think of yourself as having twins. My two are 18 months apart but developmentally there’s sometimes very little to distinguish between them.

Try to remind yourself she isn’t purposely behaving badly, she’s trying to communicate with you her confusion, fear, distress and most of all that she needs your time, love and care - precisely at a time when your capacity to care is massively impacted by your losses. That’s not a failing on your part, it’s part of being human that we need to grieve and your mums death is so very recent.

In terms of coping, I’d find things to do that mean you don’t need to engage with her too much, but are still there. So watching a movie snuggled up on the sofa, being out in the garden with a fork or trowel for her to dig stuff up or sensory stuff like water or sand play. Feed her easy food, just don’t make battles for yourself - she’ll be ok on freezer dinners or whatever her favourite fad is for a while. Baby her a bit, put her shoes on, get her clothes out, feed her and swaddle her a bit in much the same way you would her brother.

Really catch her doing good - praise her for the slightest thing, and if you do tell her off, try to go back with a hug afterwards to repair the relationship. And do talk to her about feeling sad about your mum, in words that she might understand - death is a complex concept for all of us but if you can talk to her about it she’ll know it’s not her fault that you’re struggling (the I’m rubbish and not good with people narrative).

Do try to get some space - even if that means setting them both up with a movie and sitting in the next room drinking coffee. Get your DH to pitch in as much as he humanly can - and if you can find space for your own grief, so much the better.

What a god-awful time you’re having - go gently with yourself, remember whatever it takes to get through this is ok. I’m so sorry for your loss and that it’s come at such a difficult time generally.

Gov has just announced Extra £8million funding too help Adoptive children in the who may need extra support through these difficult times. Via Adoption support fund applications

.www.gov.uk/government/news/multi-million-support-for-vulnerable-children-during-covid-19?umg_so See details

Post edited by MNHQ

That sounds good fasparent.

OP I think that your dd needs as much positive attention from you as possible at the moment - which might sound really tough given your situation but in fact if you help her feel better that will help you feel better

It might help to consciously split off your needs from her need in your thinking, and in relation to your own needs, can you thinkof something specific you could ask your DH to do, to help you? Such as look after dc at a set time for a set period allowing you some time to go for a walk, process what you are dealing with for example?

With your dc you know she is angry and struggling with "bad" feelings. She needs your help to understand her feelings and your help to help her feel better. I think you can do this by empathising eg every time she displays anger such as the cup incident, validate her feelings and say you can see she is angry about whatever it is. I think that she will feel better if you consciously turn things to positive attention and give her a lot of positive attention. I think it is fundamentally the 1:1 communication, the closeness, the looking into her eyes and empathising and helping her understand her big feelings which will help her feel connected and understood.

In relation to her saying she is rubbish, bad with people, these are adult expressions she will have heard somewhere? I think what you can do is pass comment on lots of positive things about her, and also draw a picture of her and talk about all the great things she does/says/knows about.

I think it would be really helpful for you to tell her when you are planning to go home, and talk to her about your feelings in outline terms but also explain that things will get better. We hope so, anyway.

I am sorry I meant to also say how sorry I was about your losses

Also that in relation to your dd hearing the things about being "rubbish" I meant that she may have overheard adults talking like that about themselves at a different time. And in relation to hoping things get better, I meant in relation to lockdown.

And it’s making me very cross - I’m not at all a shouty parent but I’ve shouted about three times in the past week. Today I was worried I was going to smack her Apparently it seems thatour mirror neurons mean we pick up on our dc's fear and anger and if we aren't in top form ourselves we are more likely to react badly - it seems that when dc need us most they do things which trigger all our worst feelings. I think the only thing is to be aware of the likelihood of it happening and have prepared in your mind how you will respond. Very hard.