Second time adoption (after adopting two boys)

[JohnPA]

Hi. Two years ago we adopted two boys, who are now aged 3 and 5. They have settled really well and we haven’t experienced any issues in terms of bonding. We are in a really nice place right now as a family. We have been considering if we should adopt a second time (a girl this time around), but have some reservations including:

-If social workers will allow a second adoption with two boys who are still relatively young.
-If the second adoption will disrupt our boys who are well settled.

Has anyone adopted a second time after having adopted siblings the first time around? I would love to hear your experience and any advice.

Thanks!

I don't have experience of that, but do have experience of DD's issues not becoming apparent until she was school age, and then taking 3-4 years to get a diagnosis (during which time she did not have the support she needed at school, with knock on consequences). She's wonderful but at 3 or 5 I had no idea what the scale of her needs would be.

That's something to keep in mind as you think about possible timings - a longer age gap would allow you to have a better sense of your boys' needs long term as they have a couple of years at primary school, plus would then give you more 'space' to focus on another child.

But everyone's experience will be different!

I would second Allington's advise. My girls were really easy to handle (still are comparatively), but have definitely become more complex over the years. If you decide to go forward, I would wait a few more years until your youngest is at least in Y1.

When my daughters were 5 and 7 (they’d been home 3 years at that point) I did think about another. Ultimately I decided I couldn’t give 3 the attention they would need from me and now that’s they are 14 and 16 I’m glad I didn’t have another. They don’t have any diagnosed SEN but my eldest can be hard work and tbh dealing with two teenagers is plenty enough for me.

Good luck with your decision.

Thanks for your useful feedback everyone!

The thing for DD was that so many areas of functioning were slightly affected, as is often the case - some trauma, some FAE - that when you look at each area individually she functions within the low average ability range, but overall it adds up to a bigger impact. But that only became apparent when facing external demands such as at school.

It is a fairly 'typical' profile for adopted children - although no child (adopted or otherwise!) is 'typical

Totally agree with @Allington. We have adopted 2 boys. DS1s problems only started to manifest when he was nearly six - possibly triggered by the adoption of DS2. 3 and 5 is too young to know whether you will have problems. Having said that - applying now - it will probably take a year to be placed and you will have a better idea of potential issues. But our adoption of DS2 coincided (coincidentally? I don’t know) with us starting to experience major difficulties with DS1 and we are still very much struggling with DS1 3.5 years on...

Agree with everyone else. DD1's struggles have only really become more obvious as she's started to move up through school. DD2 came home when DD1 was halfway through P1. In our case, I can't regret adopting DD2, partly because I can't imagine life without her now, but also because their sibling bond is a (or can be 😆) a beautiful thing. However, your kids both already have a sibling, so adding another child wouldn't bring that as a new benefit.

You'll best know your own capacity of course. It's so hard to see the future, but 3 especially is still so young.

If you're in a good place what is making you consider number 3?

I think we are considering it because the first time we adopted went so well, and also because we have the means for it, so we feel we would be able to provide a loving home to another child. But, after considering the risk of unsettling our boys, I think we are going to wait until they are a bit older. Also, as some people have pointed everything might be great now, but it all might change when they are older. Thanks everyone for the comments!

I can understand that, I would love to adopt again in many ways! But rationally know that it isn't the time now, and may never be, for practical and emotional reasons. And that's OK, same for many birth parents contemplating another child

@JohnPA why not ring LA’s/ VA’s and just have a chat with them? You aren’t committed to anything and could also help inform you.

It a natural phenomenon for family's too wish too increase their brood , Adoption or not. No one can predict outcomes all family's are different as are their children. If one feels ready go for it.