New adoption and lockdown

[SequinPie]

We had our daughter placed with us just a month before the lockdown started.

It's been a bit of a whirlwind - starting for maternity leave, the bizarre experience of introductions (they went well, still one of the most serial experiences of my life), getting used to the various new stresses of becoming a new parent and then lockdown!

All the carefully planned out activities and support network are just no longer doable or available.

We can't take her to the soft play for an hour knowing it will entertain and tire her out! Or nip over to granny's house so we can talk to other adults and do something different.

She's beautiful and doing really well. There has been a lot of positives from the lockdown for us - I was having a bit of a melt down over my husband going back to work full time and me staying at home. This hasn't happened and he's been furlowed so we've got both parents at home and lots of bonding time! It really has helped in many ways with her settling in and building that attachment.

But as we enter another 3 weeks I'm starting to struggle. We haven't really had time to build up an arsenal of home based activities and games. She's still too young to have much attention span (she's nearly 2). She can be a little bit needy and rarely does any independent play, wanting one of us playing with her at all times. I often find I'm spending longer planning activities and getting them ready than she will spend entertained by them. Just the general every day routine is getting real boring and a bit of a drag. If I look up things online I just feel bombarded by picture-perfect family activities and make your own rainbow rice which unfortunately can make me feel worse for not having the energy to do it all.

She's a very social little girl and desperate to play with other kids she sees and pet dogs ... It can be really tough having to explain why we can only wave and say hello at a distance.

By the time she goes to bed in the evening I'm just mentally exhausted. Which means I'm not really doing anything for 'me' and the evenings are mostly spent watching crap TV and thinking about all the jobs that need doing.

I'm prone to having hormonal mood changes but the last week I've been quite erratic, switching from being really angry (normally unreasonably directed at my hubby 'cos he's the only one there!) to finding it difficult to get out of bed in the morning and just do the same thing again and again....

She's bonded with us both but daddy is currently the chosen one. Yesterday when he was having a break upstairs she spent an hour repeatedly pointing to his picture, patting the sofa and pointing upstairs. I know it's natural and she is happy to spend time with me but when I was already feeling a bit low it was a bit of a slap.

I know most people are in a similar boat and the lockdown is tough for everyone. Just wanting somewhere to have a moan really. Any tips on getting through this appreciated

Congratulations on your new daughter .

This settling in period is really tough going anyway, but to suddenly be in Lockdown too is hard going. Try not to be hard on yourself and maybe lower your expectations? Your daughter isn't even 2, she doesn't need too much other than getting the chance to potter about. DD2 (3) spent over an hour last week pouring dried pasta from the tin, into plastic cups and bowls, then back again. If you have a garden, give her a bowl of water and a brush and get her to clean the path or fence. Taking things in and out of bags was a bit hit with both my girls at that age. Sleeping parties, were you pretend to go to sleep, are great too.

For your own sanity I would set up some kind of routine to break up the day. Are you going out for a walk every day? Is she still napping? And don't be afraid to stick on a bit of telly if it gets you a sit down and a cuppa.

On the crap telly in the evenings...well yes, that's kind of what you'd expect. You're knackered. You've just become a mum. Give yourself a break and have some chocolate.

It's a lovely, but tiring and full-on age. It gets easier.

Oh and remember, you're in a doubly tough situation. Just getting through each day is the only win you need at this point.

Hi OP, I'm not an adoptive parent, but I do have a toddler, and lockdown is brutal.

Don't worry about setting up so many activities, as you say they don't occupy for long!

Thinks that are a success here are:
Bubbles
Paddling pool
Playing chase

Otherwise we read stories, watch TV

You say DH is her favourite at the moment (same here!) so make the most of it and make it dedicated Daddy daughter time eg 10-12 every day, before you are exhausted so you can have time to do something for you.

Hope that helps

I'm going to suggest a long bathtime at any time of the day. Perhaps even two baths! My daughter used to love bathtime. Chuck some kitchen containers in, wooden spoons etc and they like that!
Hang in there and lower your expectations. Routine is key. Well done

She can be a little bit needy and rarely does any independent play, wanting one of us playing with her at all times. I often find I'm spending longer planning activities and getting them ready than she will spend entertained by them.
She’s not even two yet and her whole world has turned upside down, she’s living with 2 new people who she’s been told are her mummy and daddy. I’d fully expect her to want to be glued to you at this stage - she’s not “a little bit needy”, she needs you. She’s too young for independent play and her attention span will be short anyway given her developmental stage - throw in the trauma of being newly placed and her attention span will be non-existent.

Just the general every day routine is getting real boring and a bit of a drag.

I remember well the absolute drag and drudgery of adoption leave, it certainly wasn’t the #makingmemories creative, fun time I imagined in my head. It was survival - my world too was turned on it’s head, I was handed two complete strangers who kept calling me mummy, I was used to working with adults doing important stuff and here I was trying to work out how to feed my kids, who dud the feel like my kids.

Adoption is an odd beast at the best of times and these aren’t the best if times. Comfort yourself in the knowledge that at this stage you’d be keeping very close to home anyway so she’s not missing out on socialisation as such because you’d be home mostly anyway.

Find time to get out for a walk on your own for a while, phone a friend for coffee while your DP has your little one. Tag team each other like crazy - he sets up one activity and does it while you have a break then vice versa. And allow yourself to struggle, or cry, or scream, this early stage is very hard especially because she’s new, and little, and needs you all the time.

Btw it’s not at all unusual for adopted kids to initially favour the male parent, especially if they’ve had a couple of “mums” eg birth mum, foster carer. She’ll come round in time but it’s not about you, it’s about her experience of female carers who leave.

And ignore all those lovely, well meaning people who tell you to enjoy this time - you’re all in survival mode, and that’s ok.

You sound as if you are doing fantastic.

I'd also add play dough sets of all types. Nearly all children love it and quick to get out and put away.

Also, use Amazon to order some gradually introduced new toys/activities.

Don't worry about apparent preferences between you and your partner. That's often the case even with birth children. They will tend to change over time and aren't a sign of any issue at all. One of my son's has autism and is by far happiest when we are both around. It took us a while to realise that!

Sorry this is hard. You are doing a brilliant job.

I so much agree with EightWellies some routine will help you all. She is way too young for independent play so she will need play encouragement but she can do other stuff. She can also watch TV, listen to stories (read by either of you or on recorded format), potter (as people say pottering is great).

A few things stand out so I would like to flag these up and make suggestions but I do not want overwhelm you! These are just ideas.

"We can't take her to the soft play for an hour knowing it will entertain and tire her out!"

If you can afford it and feel it is safe, I'd really suggest you invest in a trampoline. There are small indoor versions if you do not have a garden but the outdoor ones with a full net are best if you have safe space to put it and can afford it.

"Or nip over to granny's house so we can talk to other adults and do something different."

Are you Zooming with Grandparents or Skype calls? Can you make them special? Maybe make a cake together or decorate some biscuits together and eat them at the time you do the Skype call.

Only if this will not add more stress to you!

could you get grandparents to enjoy a biscuit and cuppa at the same time as she has a biscuit and juice. Clink her juice bottle in a cheers with you. Just make it as special as you can. But only once in a while.

We are Zooming with grandparents once a week.

"I often find I'm spending longer planning activities and getting them ready than she will spend entertained by them."

Plan very simply activities and engage her as much as possible in setting it up, finding the items, talking about what you are doing and then doing the activity.

You can make the most of the effort by taking photos of yourselves/video etc of you both doing the activity - and then watch it later and talk about it maybe, if this feels appropriate and fun and not more stressful.

"I'm prone to having hormonal mood changes but the last week I've been quite erratic, switching from being really angry (normally unreasonably directed at my hubby 'cos he's the only one there!) to finding it difficult to get out of bed in the morning and just do the same thing again and again."

Please make some time for you. Have Zoom or Skype calls with your friends or your support network. Ask your dh to be 'on duty' for the night and you spend some time chatting by phone or Video call to a friend/s.

Have a nice drink, not necessarily alcoholic, and talk about whatever energies you. This could be old good times, it could be future plans, or it could be something interesting you are watching on TV.

Last quick point. @SequinPie

"She's bonded with us both but daddy is currently the chosen one."

My birth dd went through a phase at 3 when she said could I move out so she could live with her dad! I didn't move out and she moved over that phase very quickly.

Our adopted son (who is now 9) was very keen on me in the early days. Now he had a good relationship with us both, some of the time!

The phases where children favour one parent more over the other do seem to come and go and I think it is normal to feel distressed if you are not the favoured parent.

But actually it can be quite hard seeing your partner being over looked too.

Normally, children will bond with one parent more than the other at first, I believe, in adoption setting, but I think it often it works out fine.

Good luck.

Congratulations on your daughter!

It sounds as if things are going very well - 10 years in and I still often collapse in front of mindless TV in the evenings

Little children are relentless - at that age they are very mobile but have no sense of safety, so you are 'on duty' all the time unless they are asleep.

Don't worry about #makingmemories - what your DD needs is predictable, low key routine. Nothing wrong with a DVD or Peppa Pig, snuggled up together. At that age DD2 loved to follow me round and 'help' with the chores, especially if it involved water!

On Instagram is an account called Fiveminutemum who does does all different activities (with everyday things and toys) might be worth a look

Relax! It's really tough I know but for now at least just do whatever gets you both through the day happy and bonded. She won't have a fantastic attention span at this age. My 2YO and I have wonderful days where she'll interact with me and play nicely all day but other days are a lost cause tbh. The other day especially she was just off the rails so we spent the day running/jumping/tickling or binge watching the lion guard Do take her out for your daily walk as it'll make all the difference. Facetime your support network. It'll maintain the bond and she'll probably love the novelty. Don't put too much pressure on either of yourselves and focus on bonding. There'll be time for everything else after this is over. It sounds like you're doing a great job xx

We had our son placed with us on the first day of lockdown! It's been difficult adjusting not only because of the restrictions but also the mental weight of wondering what the hell is going to happen to the world, our loved ones, our jobs etc.

Our son is 13 months and we're at the stage now where we could be doing low-key introductions to grandparents, they are also finding it really hard not being able to meet him, even though we do video calls. I was so looking forward to taking him to the park and swimming pool. It's also difficult not to be able to get out for a break ourselves, e.g we had agreed I could go to the gym one night a week and wife go out for her own thing one night a week which of course isn't possible now.

Try to be kind to yourselves and your baby. There are still ways we can get alone time and have fun together but it's totally fine and normal for it to be shit sometimes.

Our routine is:
Breakfast
TV/play time (he doesn't concentrate on TV really but he will sit still for Friends... Not sure if he should be watching that but we have put it on when we need a break. I wonder if birth mum watched it a lot as he really does love it)
Naptime 10-12 (often for everyone!)
Walk - we often take turns to do his walk so one person can veg alone at home. I got lost yesterday so my wife got a long break)
Lunchtime
Playing together/exploring
Naptime 3-4
Tea 4.30
Bath 6
Bedtime 7

In the evenings we have been vegging and watching TV, that is fine!

I posted here about not playing enough with him but lots of nice replies said that at that age they are happy to explore things. He doesn't do activities like colouring, playdough as he just wants to put things in his mouth. But he loves banging things with wooden spoons, looking at/touching plants in the garden, listening to music and looking at books (for about 1 minute!) He loves clearing out cupboards so tbh I stopped fighting that and emptied our cupboards of anything he shouldn't play with, they are now full mostly of his toys, books, spoons and old keys.

Thank you everyone!
Really nice to have such supportive responses and some good ideas we'll look into!

Doing a bit better these last couple of days. I think mood will be up and down during the lockdown but will try and do the best we can :)

We do go out for daily walks and try to get out to a green space she can run around. Good weather definitely helps!

We are going a lot of tag teaming and have a bit of a 'rota' for me and hubby so we always have some quite time, 1on1 daughter time and family time.

I'm getting better at having her follow round and help with chores. She does like this and loves copying where she can.

We'll just keep muddling through the best we can and look forward to being allowed out!!

You are doing brilliantly! You are a team.

@SequinPie It sounds like you are doing really well! 💐
As mum I got massively rejected in the early days which is very common! ((hugs)) It is tough. A few months later it was mum,mum,mum! He was 3 and is now 9. It's still mum,mum,mum most of the time! 🙈 Although he does like daddy time and they regularly get up to mischief!
Hang on in there and remember take a break/ self care!

Hi, I see you’ve had lots of good advice and tips here and from your update that you’re feeling a bit more on top of things but I just wanted to add that you’re not alone.
We are coming up to 10 weeks after placement of our 5yo and ordinarily would be thinking about our application for the adoption order but the courts aren’t accepting new cases at the moment.
We had just settled into a routine before lockdown and he had settled well into his new school. He also has a very short attention span and wakes early every morning so we have around 12 hours to fill each day which is exhausting when he can only settle to any activity for around 10 minutes and struggles with independent play.
I’ve had moments especially during the Easter ‘break’ where I honestly didn’t know how I could get through another day and woke with a feeling of dread of the day ahead but now we’re back into ‘school’ routine it’s a little easier.
What’s helped me has been to break the day into smaller chunks in my head and just try to get to the next one. So I know after breakfast I’ll just make it til 10am and then I can have a coffee break, then I’ll make it to lunch time etc. Oh and I’ve let my standards slip completely on screen time and housework.

You've had some really good advice here, and that's a lovely update.

Our AD was placed at 9 months, and while we went to the occasional drop-in session, I didn't feel confident enough to attend formal classes until she'd been home for at least 6 months. At that point we could both cope with the structure of a music or gymnastics class. Hopefully you'll have a few more options later this year.