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Adoption

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Original poster

Birth Mum Pregnant Again

18 replies

AgathaCroosty · 12/04/2020 22:14

Exactly what the title states. Birth mum pregnant again. Lo was placed 8 months ago. Naturally We've had our ups and downs, but we're finally settling down into a lovely life.

Found out, unofficially, that Birth Mum is expecting again. Unless there's been a rapid change in her circumstances, its likely that baby will be removed & likely that we'll be asked.

Thoughts/experiences/advice welcome

OP posts:

donquixotedelamancha · 13/04/2020 00:04

We were placed again just over a year after the first. General impressions:

There was never really a question we'd say yes.

I found the second time around hard. The process is very emotional, so is having a kid in itself, then we'd not long had the final court approval. I got quite depressed afterwards because I'd been trying to be strong and didn't really have room to breathe before we started again. Take as much time as you can to process everything that has happened.

Two kids are much harder than one. Two little ones are exhausting. The first few years will be tough.

It's the best thing we ever did. It's amazing watching the way they play and learn together. We are so happy.

Zogsbigsister · 13/04/2020 06:07

I had the same situation but declined as the age gap between them was just 11 months and there was no guarantee that there wouldn’t be a baby every year. It was the right decision for us and dd has a close relationship with her sibling.

Also, if you would like to be considered, get in contact with the adoption team and tell them. A friend was in a similar situation and assumed that they would be contacted and asked to adopt the sibling but it turned out the adoption team didn’t have that in mind at all. When she did eventually contact the team, they were assessed and the decision was made for the baby to be adopted by another family.

Original poster

AgathaCroosty · 13/04/2020 07:42

Thanks for your replies. There will be 4 years between my LO & the new baby. Lo starts primary school in September, as baby is due around autumn time.

I'm worried that we wont be considered because we haven't filed for the order for Lo yet. Nothing wrong with the situation, we've just been taking it easy & wanted to make sure that we had some bits and bats of funding in place before we started the ball rolling etc. Now we've got that in place, the rug has been pulled because of covid.

I just know that it'll be hard at first with the adjustment but lo would dote on a sibling. At the moment lo talks to our pet dogs & sees them as friends.

OP posts:

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 13/04/2020 10:37

Things to consider:

were you hoping for another child at some time
is BM likely to have further children, would you take them too
could your LO cope with a sibling taking your attention away
the two siblings will share genetics but very different life stories

Zogsbigsister · 13/04/2020 10:40

I think we that age gap I’d be really tempted. I think the only thing I’d be worried about would be lo going to school and maybe feeling pushed out by the baby? Would you be doing fta do you think. This was probably the main driver behind my decision to say no as I’d only recently finished contact with dd and was wrung out by it all and was worried about being followed home and putting dd at risk when I was taking baby to contact.

Obviously fta would be best for baby, but if the plan was for baby to go to foster care first, you would have a bit more time for your lo to be settled at school first.

Original poster

AgathaCroosty · 13/04/2020 11:38

Obviously, the acctual professional plan is complete heresay because I've found out about this pregnancy unofficially at the moment.

I would like to say that it would be concurrent planning or FTA given the historical situations.

The age gap is what's swaying me the most - its practically perfect. Our PAR states that we would consider future children & any possible siblings.

Baby due in the Autumn, doesn't give much if any time to plan professionally, so its likely that baby would start off in foster carer to begin with, which would help set LO in school

OP posts:

sunshineandskyscrapers · 14/04/2020 22:09

I was in a similar situation, found out unofficially that BM was pregnant, and mentally prepared myself to be asked. DS was removed at birth so it seemed likely that the sibling would be. I thought long and hard but ultimately there was no decision for me to make as the sibling stayed with BM. You'll need to dig deep to work out what the right decision is for you, and of course you'll want to think ahead rather than wait for a call and then decide. It sounds like you are seriously considering it. I don't think the fact that you haven't sorted the adoption order would stand in your way given that it's only been eight months but it's not necessarily a given that siblings are removed, or that they are placed for adoption, so you might want to keep that in the back of your mind while you're weighing it up.

ifchocolatewerecelery · 14/04/2020 23:53

I agree with @sunshineandskyscrapers. What happened in their case also happened in ours. Indeed the fact that we even knew that a sibling had been born caused upset within our LA because we should not have known, it was a breach of confidentiality and could have legal implications. You don't mention how you came to find this out but it's something you will be asked if you approach SS about it.

Also it is possible for your adoption order to be granted and for birth mum to be allowed to keep the child given that each child's future is considered on a individual basis. Even if BM is not allowed to keep the child, it is possible that this time someone within the child's wider family might step forward to look after the child. Obviously you can't tell us whether or not you know the child is a full or half sibling to your LO but this is something you definitely need to consider too as both paternal and maternal relatives may offer the child a home.

Jellycatspyjamas · 15/04/2020 08:14

Baby due in the Autumn, doesn't give much if any time to plan professionally, so its likely that baby would start off in foster carer to begin with, which would help set LO in school

It gives loads of time for planning. Assuming professionals know about her pregnancy they’ll be starting the pre-birth process and looking at what might happen. It’s entirely possible this little one might stay with birth mum - although it’s only 8 months since placement with you, your child will have been removed quite some time ago and people do change.

It would be worth thinking about how you found out about the pregnancy - birth mum has a right to privacy and confidentiality so if you do contact the LA, be clear about how you came across the information and why you feel you had a right to know.

sadwithkiddies · 17/04/2020 14:30

We were approved and sibling home in 5 months, 4 months the next time...BUT we were cross-examined on how we knew of the birth, and had to get the AO sorted before sibling could come home.
We have a rather large sibling group now so be prepared to stop at some point!!!!!!

Teacher12345 · 18/04/2020 17:53

Like pp we ound out that BM was pregnant less than 6 months after lo was placed with us. She gave birth to him just over a year after DD was placed with us. He stayed with her. Different Dad made all the difference apparently. It is not a given that baby will be taken - and DD was taken at 3 months old due to bruising and a judge told her she was not capable of kjeeping a child safe...4 months later she keeps her second child.

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/04/2020 20:08

4 months after the judges decision or her child being removed? In the former there may have been a year or more passed and it’s entirely possible she could be supported to parent this little one. It’s not at all inevitable a parent will have each subsequent child removed, nor should it be.

Teacher12345 · 18/04/2020 20:16

Jellycats - she was told at our final hearing in the July she wasn't fit to be a parent by the judge. That November she gave birth and kept her son. DD came into care because she came to significant harm that was never explained.

Teacher12345 · 18/04/2020 20:17

I assume she is doing well and I hope so too. People can change, the time frame felt too tight in our case but I am no expert.

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/04/2020 23:15

You said there was a different father, which can make a huge difference is the new partner is a stable, interested person in her and the baby’s life. The judges comments can only relate to the circumstances of her parenting of the child that was removed, and those circumstances will have happened some time previously, it’s not always the case nor should it be presumed that subsequent children will or should be removed.

sadwithkiddies · 20/04/2020 21:09

our BM's children are 'at risk' before they are born and removed in the delivery room usually within an hour or 2 of birth.
she will never ever keep a baby, she knows it, the SW knows it, we know it. she no longer bothers with a legal team as they know it too.

some cases really are that cut & dried. I feel very sad for her, but really really sad for the babies.

Noimaginationforaun · 09/06/2022 08:13

Hi - sorry I know this is a dead thread but I’m in such a similar situation and was looking for advice!

LO been with us a year. BM gave birth 12 weeks after adoption order and seems to be keeping the baby. We found out through letter box. New baby is a couple of months old. We have no idea officially what’s happening and she moved out of area but just have no clue what to tell LO when they’re older! Any advice appreciated!

sunshineandskyscrapers · 11/06/2022 22:43

@Noimaginationforaun
Birth mum is presumably still on the radar of social services, in spite of the move. I can't imagine that she would send a letter through letter box if she had managed to evade them so far.

Have you talked this through with your letter box coordinator? They usually call ahead of sending a letter containing big news like this, but if she didn’t you could call her. She might not have all the answers and birth mum is also entitled to her confidentiality, but I was in a very similar situation and found the conversations I had with the letter box coordinator to be very helpful.

The fact that birth mum is using letter box to communicate the news to you is also a positive. If she maintains this you’ll be in a good position to give your dc information about their sibling as they grow. I will admit I am finding this aspect of DS’s life story the most challenging. He is 6 and knows his life story, including the part about the younger sibling. On the advice I got from mumsnet I adjusted the narrative around his birth parents to say that at the time ds was born, they didn’t have the right skills to care for a baby yet. And the ‘yet’ is important, as apparently they do now. I feel like the only option is to present this in a very factual way and leave my own opinions out of it – they were assessed and deemed to be not suitable as parents when dc was born, but they were later assessed for the next child and were deemed to be suitable parents. It’s not unheard of for siblings in this position to still be removed later on, but of course that is not something I discuss with DS. It’s a bridge we’ll have to cross if it ever comes to that. It’s hard though and I feel like this extra bit of information about the sibling that stayed means that I have to redouble my efforts around making sure that he knows his birth parents did (and do) love him and wanted to keep him.

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