Feeling suffocated

[poppet31]

How is everyone doing during these crazy times? I must admit, I am finding it rather suffocating. Our son (just turned 3 but delayed and emotionally much younger) cannot play by himself at all and needs me right beside him at all times. He's not very good at play in general and needs me to guide him in what to do so I'm just not getting a minute. He is not interested in tv. He might sit and watch the odd episode of something but I have to be beside him, watching it too.

My DH works from home anyway and is lucky to still have work to do (he's self employed) so although he is upstairs most of the day, he is able to give me some support. I am still on Adoption leave so we are lucky in that respect as not having to worry about childcare.

I feel like I shouldn't complain as I know pretty much every family will be struggling right now and we have it better than a lot of people. But we do have unique challenges that only adoptive families will have. We had just settled in to a routine. Our son was at nursery 4 afternoons a week and I was managing to keep the house in order. I have had to do a little cleaning this morning (up until now I've tried my hardest to give him my full attention) as the house was getting pretty disgusting and little one just stood beside me the whole time giving a running commentary (mama wipe toilet, mama wipe sink etc.) I know it's too much to ask of him but I do wish he was able to play independent, just for 5minutes.

I was expecting a regression in behaviour which we haven't really seen yet but he obviously knows something is different and will have to process yet another loss as he loved nursery and keeps asking for it. I'm worried about how I'm going to entertain him if this goes on for months as he has a terrible attention span and loses interest in most things after 5minutes.

Reading all that back, it just sounds like I'm moaning and I feel bad for even admitting it, but it's just hard being around someone for this amount of time and I'm struggling. I love our little one to bits but life just feels so hard right now. I hope you are all doing ok.

I know exactly what you mean. My son was similar age to yours when he joined our family. He was very clingy and constantly needed my attention which was hard as I gave another child. The guilt of not getting around to chores is awful. Feel bad for not doing it then feel bad for not giving him your full attention. Please be kind to yourself. It’s ok if it’s a little (or a huge bit) messy then normal. As long as there is soap and a clean towel, clean clothes (a mountain of dirty ones is fine) and bins aren’t overflowing your doing great. Anything more is a bonus!

My son didn’t go to nursery for the first 10 months of placement so I remember what it was like. Juggling household chores was a nightmare. Those were my standards. With all this going on, I’ve reverted back to that. The kids need me more.

Also, my son couldn’t play either. Short bursts of 5 minute games us probably all he can do. Go out for a long walk during the day to split it up. Go between rooms for a change of scenery. Read lots together.

We will get through this. You are doing great.

Oh and it’s lovely to hear from you.

If you go to the coronavirus topic there is a thread there about keeping toddlers happy, some lovely ideas. Many people are talking about routines, having a day planned out by the hour in advance with lots of activities every day and there are some helpful examples. It might seem that your dc's attention goes quickly but definitely worth persisting you will see dividends, improvements over time. The planned out structure is good for your MH too!

Yes it is exhausting, the feeling of not getting a minute to yourself. My boy is much older but still needs much more attention than his peers but the intensity of it at that stage I remember clearly. I find finding something I liked to do and getting him to 'play' it with me helped a bit. So I love baking so doing that together felt less hard work than than playing cars ( which I hated!). Also baths, i.e. Him in a bath splashing playing I find great as it gave me breathing space where I didn't have to think of what to do to entertain him! It does get better and it's the basis of a great bond with your son. Take care

@poppet31 how are things been the past few days?

I'm not in the same situation as my son (bio) is 18 months old and not adopted, but I'm struggling too to keep him busy - especially being 33wk pregnant and single, so tired and without a partner to help out.

Is the running commentary when you do housechores so bad ? You can let him watch and comment, and engage him while working ? "yes, mama is washing the sink, watch how I do it", etc.

Can he "play" at helping you ? I know you said he has a short attention span but you can switch activities regularly - fill the dishwasher (let him put the spoons in), fill the washing machine (let him put the socks in), clear the table (he can carry his own plate and cutlery to the kitchen), etc. Make him feel like a grownup and get shit done at the same time ?

Other than that, you said he's not interested in TV (I'm not letting mine in front of a screen either), but how about audiobooks ? Music ? Baby songs ? Does he like to dance ? Might he sit alone for a few minutes with audio stimulus ?

How about fun activities that you can do together ? Baking cookies is a great one (can't wait for my son to be old enough !) Finger painting ?

Bath time is also a good break. Sometimes I let my son sit in the bath and whip out my phone for a few minutes while he plays. There's a bunch of things you can do to make the bath more appealing too, bubbles, food colouring to colour the water, various toys.

Try to think of things you don't hate doing that could be fun for him too.

Maybe try and get him used to playing alone one minute at a time ? Two minutes today, five tomorrow, when he goes after you tell him "mommy will be there in a minute", rinse and repeat ?

I'm sure you've already tried most of this but I figured I'd try to make suggestions anyway. Going out is also a good way to break the monotony of the day but unfortunately children are not allowed out at all in the country where I am (subject to heavy fine if caught).

Also I don't know if those exist but maybe look into toys that encourage independant play ? Maybe something easy to build so he can show you the end result and feel proud of himself ?

Hi, I’m feeling exactly the same we’re only 2 months into placement of our 5yo son and felt like we were just starting to make real progress with routines and behaviour and he’d settled well at school and now we’re back to square one and initially saw some regression
He is very demanding and can’t play independently for long and has a very short attention span.
we were doing some short bursts of schoolwork but have broken up for Easter holidays and although I’ve planned out lots of fun activities there just isn’t enough activities to fill a 12 hour day when he won’t stick at anything for more than 5 minutes.
I’m feeling exhausted and although I know this time is good for bonding I’m also feeling suffocated, glad it’s not just me.

I am so with you - it’s so bloody exhausting with a small child! I also am finding the constant whining for something just so incredibly irritating! It’s like the film score to my life is just a constant whinge for something that we don’t have or DS is not allowed.

It’s just not possible to feel excited about life at the moment. I struggled with the isolation during adoption leave and am so desperate to get back to work. At least then I could go outside or meet some friends!!!

And all the ideas about play are lovely - but really what has helped me the most is laithwaites wine delivery. The first order was only £55 for twelve bottles.... thought it was v good.

I am in awe of those parents who can day in day out spend their days actively engaged with a 3 year old without going around the bend - everyone mentions baking and cooking but I find it is actually really frustrating, with ingredients flying everywhere and in fact it only taking up 20 minutes as opposed to a laugh filled afternoon. Young children settle to nothing for very long and goodness it can be tough at the end of a long day with no nursery to provide respite. After a few months of settling in I was quite firm that after an hour or two of entertainment I needed to be left alone for 20 minutes to do whatever I needed (wanted) to do albeit I was in the vicinity. It also allowed me to really getting involved in the entertainment rather than going through the motions. Otherwise you are just a playmate on perpetual call and young children will quite reasonably turn to you for entertainment at all times. My glass of wine at 8 was a pleasure beyond compare!

@POPPET31, I hardly come here anymore, but just over tea I thought of you and how you might be doing. Popped back on the board and found this thread!

I am sure you are doing an amazing job!

"my" little chap will be 8 next week. I hope he has a nice birthday