Adoption in UK - your experience.

[Firstimemam]

Hello hello.

I have a beautiful little toddler who is 14 months old, I have no problems conceiving a child but would like to adopt a child. My DF and I did speak about even before my DS was conceived and I still want to adopt a child.

What's your experience, the process, how long did it take?

I would love to know and hear some first hand experiences because I would like to start the journey ASAP.

My timescales are probably way out of date as it was 13 years ago this month that we had our matching panel.

On the whole it has been a very positive experience for us, but the later teen years have been quite a struggle due to various things.

You might find your LO is deemed too young at the moment for SWs to want to take you on. They like a good 2 years between youngest child and any placed child, and actually I think a bigger age gap is not a bad idea.

What's your definition of asap?

I think you have to be realistic that in the current situation, all 'normal' timescales are off.
There are prospective adopters already in the system whose assessments, matching and introductions are suspended. The social work profession was already under pressure and will be even more so now, with higher caseloads and higher levels of sickness.
To be honest I'd forget it for now, but use this time to think about your motivations to adopt, research attachment, trauma, FASD, ASD, ADHD, developmental delay and developmental trauma - to start you off.

But to answer your question, people's experiences vary enormously, I'm a single adopter, a had a rough ride through assessment. I adopted an older child, my son is 15, its actually our 8th anniversary today. He is doing well, he is an amazing young man, I am ridiculously proud of him, but its been a tough road. I have no regrets - I have a fabulous son and seeing him today was worth everything.

@Firstimemam what's your reason for wanting to adopt and what type of child (age etc) would you like to consider?

We adopted a 3 year old so.pat 6 years ago and have a 15 year old birth child. There are almost 6 years between my kids.

Where are you in the UK? Legislation and process is different across the home nations as are timescales, people will know better how to support you if they know which nation you’re adopting in.

Hi All.

Thank you very much for all your responses. I believed the journey to be very long hence why I said "ASAP", I expected to wait 2-4 years to be able to adopt. We would prefer a younger child 0-2, as we're both still quite young (turned 30 this year) - this does not mean that other people our age wouldn't be open to adopting older children.

My motive is: there is already so many humans on this planet & I want to help another little human to have a good life, to give them all I've got, to love unconditionally forever.

I understand that the child may need additional help in the long run and that there may be underlying disabilities - to be honest, I don't think any parent is ever 100% prepared for that, whether the child is adopted or not.

We live in London, Greenwich.

I'd agree that nobody is ever 100% prepared but as a prospective adoptive parent you can be better prepared than most.

But adoptive parenting does put you into a different ball game.

My son has 'conventional' disabilities for want of a better way of describing it - he has autism and an associated learning difficulty.
To be honest dealing with ASD has been a piece of cake compared to the other stuff that comes with being adoptive family.

When you have a birth child you know exactly what's happened to them, what you ate and drank during pregnancy, what stresses and strains you were under, you know whether there are genetic conditions that run in your family.

With an adopted child you never really know, my son's birth parents claim they never drank or took hard drugs, but in truth that seens unlikely. We have no information about medical background or history. We can't be certain what happened to him in the four years he lived with his birth mum and the dozen or so addresses she lived in with god knows who.

Your birth child will never have to deal with the idea of there being another family out there, another mum, potentially siblings, issues around identity, who do they look like, where do they get their hair/eye colour from, did they inherit their love of music, sport or whatever from. You may have to deal with a whole set of issues around contact and letter box.
You may also encounter judgement from others, your family not accept a child as truly part of the family. I've been incredibly lucky with my family, but my oldest friend, who I've known since primary school, so 40 years by the time I adopted, has taken zero interest in my son. We are no longer really friends. My son has been bullied for having ASD, being black and being adopted.

In the 8 years that we have been a family, by far the most difficult thing I have ever done was support my son through two years of therapy and his confusion, feelings of rejection, lack of self esteem, and sense of responsibilty for his birth parents and whether it was all his fault.

For me, this is what sets adoptive parenting apart.

Adoption is a funny old thing, but even at its best, its not the same as bringing up a birth child. Yes of course a lot of it is just the daily grind of parenthood. But a lot of it isn't.

I wouldn't swap my life or my son for the world, but it can be very hard work.

Excellent post from @Ted27 - every word is true - adoption is the most wonderful worthwhile way to make it complete your family but it’s differently hard work in a way that folk who haven’t done it often don’t get. Whatever age your child is when placed they come with a background of trauma and developmental challenges that don’t go away easily. The more you can read on here and in books the better.

I’d especially recommend some of the threads from folk in the first weeks and months of placement, not go out you off but because you’ll get a good idea of how different it is from giving birth and having a new baby.

@Ted27 that is so lovely and moving and shows your amazing bond. But it also shows the very hard work that goes into it.