Uncertain - Should we try to adopt?

[LemonRabbit]

Hi,
My DH and I are considering adoption. (We’ve not started the process yet.) Fertility issues. We are in our late 30s and both teachers in mainstream secondary education.
Just to be clear - we do like children - but as I’m sure you’ll agree, they’re not easy. Would I cope at work all day and at home all night?! Particularly children with significant emotional needs.

Anyway, have any teachers adopted? Any advice? Looking for honest answers - reassurance but also say if it is a terrible idea? The other option is that we don’t have kids at all... more holidays (after covid-19) and money I suppose.

But I think that would maybe break my heart.

I haven't adopted but your thoughts sound very similar to what I felt before trying for DD (Partner and I had been together 15 years before trying and I was 37). I was full of fears and What Ifs. In the end I couldn't bear the thought of getting to the end of my life and thinking "I've achieved nothing in my life because I was always afraid, , why didn't I take the chance?"

I do think in general that society has a rather unbalanced attitude to birth/adoption. If you told someone you were wondering whether to try for a baby I'm pretty sure no-one would say "have you thought about what would happen if it was severely disabled/became a drug addict/a serial killer/Dominic Cummings." Yet with adoption it seems the other way round - people talk gloomily about all the possible downsides and overlook the fact that it might actually have a good side too!!

So I guess what I'd say is think about everything - be as realistic as you can - watch videos about adoption, get advice, find out as much as you can. Read all the threads on this forum which will give you the good and the bad, hopefully people much better qualified than me will advise you. Think about the risks and how you might cope with each one. But if your heart's still telling you to go for it after that, then do it.

I’m a teacher. Our two adopted children are amazing but it has been so challenging. I haven’t returned to work since they arrived. For us, it would be impossible. Pm me if you would like more info.

LemonRabbit I'm not a teacher but I am an adopter, and also a birth mum. Both my kids are hard work and, ironically, the birth child is usually more hard work due to being on the autistic spectrum and havng physical and mental health needs. Being a parent is very challenging so I think the key question is, do you want to have kids, does your partner agree, and if you both do, what's the best way to go about it.

We had a lot of treatment, including treatment with donor eggs etc and in the end adopted our second child. I do not regret a thing. But
I really did 100% know I wanted to be a parent and I think that is the key thing to work out.

Thanks @HPFA
Dominic Cummings lol! Good advice!
Yes I think because adoption is so deliberate and planned, you then start to question it.
I.e. alternatively, if we tried for a baby and got pregnant 4 weeks later then the decision has already been made. And you wouldn’t question “Will I be a good parent? Should I do this?”

@ac73
will do

Adopting is different to having a birth child. I love both kids equally but there is something very intentional about going through a long process, one to two years often, and being asked specifically, 'Would you like to adopt this specific child?' and saying yes etc. It is very different. And there are additional 'risks' in terms of what may go wrong. But that doesn't mean it is a reason to say no, if that is what you want.

Thanks @Italiangreyhound
Yes, I’m pretty set on the idea of having children. We’ve been through failed ivf and I’ve survived and still keen!
It’s something I really need to speak to DH about more seriously. Whenever we’ve spoken before it’s always been very hypothetical. I said we’re considering it, but that’s all - briefly discussed.
I suppose, if I’m being totally reflective, I’m more into adopting than him. My enthusiasm for children means he’s never had to question his. If I turned around now and “oops changed my mind” - I think he might then think “Hang on a minute. I actually want them.” Obviously I’m not going to play these games - we are pretty good at talking about things, so we’ll do that!
But this is maybe where some of my worry lies. Adopting is a challenge, as having a biological child would be too, and I don’t want to push something big on to our lives that he feels he could take it or leave it. Obviously we’d both have to be 100% committed before starting the process. And I wouldn’t want to push him in to it. Not about this.
With all the coronavirus stuff, I’m not sure it’s something that is imminent, but maybe in the next year or two.
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
I feel a bit of a time waster being on the adoption forum - I really wanted to hear from people that have done it though! It’s been really helpful . Thanks

Obviously you're thinking it through and not approaching it lightly - that makes total sense.

When getting a bit overwhelmed as I went through the process, I realised one of the reasons for that was you're asked/expected to think about how you'll handle every single age and stage of a child's life almost all at once. When having a birth child, I imagine people don't spend too much time planning how they'll cope with the teen years - they take it one step at a time. I do see why there's a need to look ahead prior to adoption, to have eyes as open as possible to future challenges, but it does make it feel even more of a huge undertaking. And once you're parenting the real child, it's mostly one day at a time anyway too shattered to look too far ahead Good luck with your thinking and talking it through. Adoption can be amazing

You are certainly not time wasting OP. There are lots who ask these questions on here, take a look back and you will see loads of threads named things like 'Thinking about adoption'. There were even two quite long Newbie threads on here a few years back.

The other option is that we don’t have kids at all...But I think that would maybe break my heart.

I think you have your answer right there OP, provided you understand you may not be able to both work full time etc etc.