Start trying for a baby again?

[steveomc209]

So a bit similar to other posts. We had our first home visit interview in January and were down for the 3 day course at the end of this month. As with everything we had the inevitable call to say the course has been cancelled. They cannot give a date for a new one guess at September at the earliest as they use university facilities and they seem to be shut down until then.
Should we try for baby ? It's very unlikely to happen given my rubbish sperm. And I have to say we were all signed up and fine with not trying but now who knows when things will get back to normal.

TTC during this time could potentially delay your adoption journey should it pick back up quicker than training in September. The SW may want to discuss what lead to you try now etc...
Sadly we don't know what is going to happen, some agencies/LAs are looking in to different methods of doing meetings/training.
Talk it out, pro/con list it, but my advise would be to look at the big picture.

I think if your response to a delay is to return to thinking about a biological child, you're not ready for adoption.

@steveomc209 What were the reasons you could not conceive before? Was it just your sperm count/mobility or did you try some fertility treatment to combat that, like Intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI)?

If you are honestly wanting to try then you could simply stop using contraception and just have plenty of sex around the right time each month.

If you really want a baby then I would go for it. But be prepared to have to work through this when/if you pick up the adoption process again.

IMHO, if you are thinking you want to do it then you may find you are not really ready for adoption yet, and that is not a bad or good thing, it is just a thing.

Can I ask how old your wife/partner is? And what treatment you have already had?

You do not need to say.

All best wishes,

I think it's too glib to say 'you're not ready for adoption if you are thinking of trying for a biological baby'. Especially for someone with fertility issues. You sound similar to my DH and I. We had unprotected sex for almost 10 years and not a whiff of a natural pregnancy so I am pretty much convinced it would never happen for us naturally (I have been lucky enough to get pregnant twice through ICSI though our second child was stillborn). Despite this 0.0001% chance of pregnancy, I am on contraception partly because the social worker raised it at an early meeting (and then never asked again nor wanted any proof) so I saw it as a box to tick. But mainly it was to stop it messing with my head - the false hope each month that this might be the miracle that happened to my hairdresser's neighbour's cousin's milkman. Throughout the process, there have been times when I've thought 'if only I could get pregnant, then all this annoyance/frustration/delay/nosiness would go away' even though I knew that even our miniscule chance of pregnancy was made impossible by being on contraception. Now, at matching stage, this thought has at least become 'I hope I don't get pregnant now as that would be complicated/embarrassing to explain that we'd wasted their time'. Even though there is 0% likelihood of me getting pregnant! So it depends what you mean by trying for a baby. Six months of not using contraception? Why not? How would the social workers even know. You need to be honest but I'm amazed at how few questions are asked about some things. But another round of fertility treatment, even it were possible at the moment, is a whole other ballgame.

Totally agree with AthenaMinerva, it does me as with your head.

So sorry to hear about your stillborn baby.

It does mess with your head.

I don't think it's glib. I think it shows that you haven't grieved for the a biological child you won't have. There are many delays in the process, if your response to the first delay is to return to hope for a bio child, then that needs reflection.

How in the world will they know that you are still trying if you don't tell them?

I'm afraid I agree with @defaultusername if you are thinking of trying for a biological child again then you aren't ready for adoption. There is a reason SW ask that you properly grieve for the loss of the child you may never have. Adoption is different and you are opening yourselves, and a vulnerable child up to all sorts of complex processes that have to be followed. It simply isn't fair on anyone.

I also agree with @defaultusername

SW will ask you to be using contraception during the process, and they want to know you've grieved of not having a biological child, and that you past that point of loss.

If your thinking 'let's give it another quick go before the process starts' then you havnt grieved, your not over it and if your successful you'd drop adoption. Sounds like your not fully committed.

I disagree, and think it is very glib.

Hi thanks for your comments. And sorry for not coming back to tall thus over further. We have not tried at all. And contraception being used. Perhaps it is a bit shallow to think what I thought. I have read the no matter what book by Sally donovan. While very upsetting it does show there are possible rewards to adoption.

Anyway our adoption training course was rescheduled and took place over zoom this weekend. A lot to take in and learn but it was really good and the trainer was very interactive giving lots of good examples etc.

So after the course we have been sent a long email and many forms to fill in which we need to do now.
First of which is to submit our application to proceed.
Adoption agency then comes back to say yes or no if they are happy with us to proceed.
What are people's experiences of how long this takes?
They said if they give a yes we will have contact with a social worker in around 2 weeks time. All over video until covid restrictions relaxed

What are people's experiences of how long this takes?

Honestly, most people find that the process can get delayed at various points and often is. It is a highly bureaucratic process and SWs must be able to provide evidence at each stage of it that you are suitable to adopt.

In your case there are so many variables because we are in lockdown and SWs are working from home as much as possible with all the challenges that brings. I don't think you can compare your experiences to others easily. There are clear timeframes set out by each government in the U.K. (adoption is a devolved issue) that you can look up but meeting them seems somewhat unrealistic at the moment.

We're in the middle (I use the word very loosely) of being assessed for a second time. We completed our refresher training in February and had an email from out SW 3 weeks ago about starting the assessment process remotely. Nothing since. We have the same SW as last time so we know she has 2 small children, works part time and is working from home. We're not expecting it to go particularly fast.

Hi AthenaMinerva
We also have one child through ICSI and unfortunately 2nd child through ICSI was stillborn.
We are considering adopting, I was wondering if SW have concerns re grief/loss of the second child and affect on the adoption? If that makes sense?

We did our intro information evening on Teams recently and they seemed to have a plan for how each stage would be working electronically. The only big hiccup was they're not really sure what to do about gaining extra childcare experience for those where they advise it.

We're holding off going any further for now as I'm feeling more and more that our house isnt our forever home and wouldnt enable us to have siblings if that's what we decided on.

While very upsetting it does show there are possible rewards to adoption

I remember reading that book and it scaring me. Whilst this can be a reality of adoption for many people, it isn’t always. I have three beautiful children who are adopted. My eldest son has some issues, but nothing that isn’t manageable and prevents us from living a normal family life. My two girls (6&3) so far have shown no issues at all and are very well adjusted, happy little girls. They all make me so happy and so proud. I am a massive advocate of adoption and just want people to know that it can be a really positive and wonderful way to create your family x