Adoption - appropriate to send presents and card?

[Freelancegirl]

Hi there, one of my closest friends is going to be adopting two siblings soon and I am overjoyed for them. They have had so much heartache on the journey to becoming parents.

I remember when I had my first child (not adopting) it was emotional (in a good way) to receive lots of cards and presents from people for the baby. For some reason I forgot that people buy new babies presents and send lovely cards until they all started turning up in the post! We had lots of miscarriages too so it was all the more lovely to have all these cards arrive with lovely messages.

My question is, is it appropriate to buy presents for the children and send a card when adopting? I know there are all sorts of protocols involved and I don't want to make a mistake but I would love to buy them/her a present and write a card with some nice words on it. I'm really sorry if this is a stupid question in anyway and I am happy to NOT send anything if protocol dictates. Any thoughts on this would be fab.

Yes of course. The cards we received are all in a book and a reminder for my daughter how wanted and cherished she is and was by so many different people x

Hi,

Absolutely! As long as wording is careful depending on the circumstances.

My adopted daughter has an amazing network of family and friends, gets letters in the post regularly and is never forgotten. Her 'little family' as we call it (Auntie, Uncle, Grandparents) amaze me every day with how they always show her that she is kept in mind. They were fantastic too when LO came home. Cards galore for her to treasure.

My friends are now really good too, remember her birthday etc. But, when LO came home (and despite everyone knowing, and me having celebrated the arrival of so many friend's children over the years), I got one card and present in the post from my oldest childhood friend. As time went by, friends did give her presents, but I really felt the lack of a 'congratulations ' from everyone. It made me feel that my way of becoming a family wasn't valued, or people felt too awkward about it. I didn't know what it was at the time and have never mentioned it as I knew how it could come over. It shouldn't have bothered me (I was ecstatic enough for everyone, anxious, tired, etc etc!) but it did. I wasn't at all bothered about presents but the lonely card from a friend on the side did hurt, especially as a friend had had a baby so recently and my experience of congratulations (or lack of) was so different.

I think it is absolutely lovely. Hope your friends get on well!

Absolutely. Echoing what others have said, it will mean so much to your friend if you do. You might want to give the present some thought, vouchers to let her get what she needs, or send flowers, but it's definitely a time to let her know how delighted you are for her and her new family.

Yes, definitely.

They won't be officially adopted until several months after moving in so you might want to go for a more generic congratulations card. That said I think I think we received a mix of congratulations, adoption, it's a boy and even new home cards and they were all well received. I was really pleased that people made the effort. And much like Weekends was saying it is nice to get that validation from friends.

One of the nicest things I got was a big bunch of flowers. 'because a new mummy gets flowers' is what my friend told me. The words and the sentiment meant a lot as I was seen as a mummy and not just someone caring for a baby.

Be mindful in buying for the children that some children come with a lot, like really a LOT, of toys and teddies, although others don't. You could take a steer from your friend and ask what she'd like for them. She should have some idea of what they are bringing. If not, depending on their age, well chosen story books or art/craft materials are usually good choices as they encourage family time, or a gift for the family like a photo frame / album or something like those kits for casting baby hand/foot prints if they are still little.

She is lucky to have such a thoughtful friend.

They only note of caution I'd have is that you need to bear in mind the age of the children. Adoption is a time of celebration and but also a time of loss and grief from the child's point of view. For older children especially it's worth taking the time to consider both the image on the card and what you write in it. Also the might well appreciate a gift like a dominos pizza voucher the best.

I really treasure the cards we received when our two arrived - it meant a huge deal for so many people to mark the start of our family. Our DC came with so much stuff though that vouchers or family days out (with a very long lead in time) were greatly appreciated.

One of the nicest things was a voucher for a family photo shoot which we did about 4 months after they arrived and the photos are still some of our favourite of the kids.

I agree that vouchers for a meal or place are nice. Alternatively, get a present specifically for the parents. The children may feel overwhelmed with new stuff so buying something for parents is a nice alternative. Someone bought us a beautiful vase (and some flowers) when DC arrived - I’ll keep it forever and whenever I use it, it reminds me of when we met our child for the first time. It’s very special.

Definitely a card. We got loads. (Possibly because I sent out 'new arrival' cards complete with d.o.b. so they then got b-day cards too).

Presents is harder as they could be overwhelmed. I would personally send something unwrapped (ie not in gift paper) addressed to the parents, that they can just add to the set of things available.
Not clothes.
But books or craft or other toys.
Be careful on 'ages' as many adopted children are behind, so nothing too tricky. Our best present was paint pots. used them for years.

I found finding the right card quite hard for our friends. Most I could see in card shops were about welcome new arrivals or babies and neither of those were age appropriate in my case.

In the end we found some lovely cards on Etsy (more to do with becoming a family rather than welcoming a baby) and once I started looking on there we found some really lovely options.

Thank you, all very lovely suggestions. I love the idea of a meal out voucher (and definitely with a long time lead given the current circs). Yes and the eldest child will definitely be very aware of things so I will tread carefully.

I didn't get any cards from anyone in my family.

Still rankles a bit almost a year later, (especially as, in the end, the placement broke down).

You could always send a photographic card with a personalised message in it.

I asked people who I knew would send some sort of card to include a photo of themselves, so over time I could talk to the kids about who they were and where they fitted into our family.

As a " new adopter " or soon to be once we get through the first meeting and placement issue of the crazy world now. ... I would love the thought of a card or gift or something of an acknowledgement...

It doesn't have to be anything huge, but just the fact that your supporting them and asking the question shows they are a good friend to you ...

Like the other suggestions maybe not toys to play with, since you dont know what has come with the child.... But how about a memory keep sake? Something like a personalized bear with the date they were brought home? Or a button portrait Showing the whole family? (thats if you know the name etc ) Chocolates, flowers, a bottle of wine even its the thought and sentiment.
Before all this crazy lock down stuff my close friends were going to throw me a baby shower (of course the perks are the baby is already here, so you can have a little tipple, ) But I think as adopters you sometimes miss out on the small things that birth parents get to go through.
But With a bit of imagination you can get pretty close to it.

With my first adoption we got barely any cards. A couple from friends, none from family and no send off from work (which is the norm for women going on maternity). It broke my heart at the time as I had bought presents and gifts for new parents, organised and sat through baby showers, contributed and sent off soon to be mothers, all the whilst it breaking my heart that I was struggling with fertility. By the time I adopted again I think my family and friends got the message and a suitable fuss was made! I really appreciated those that celebrated with me and I’m sure your friends would appreciate it too!

My question is, is it appropriate to buy presents for the children and send a card when adopting Definitely a card. make sure the wording is right, avoid anything that suggests the new arrival is a baby or whatever if this is not the case. Loads of great cards you can get where you can put your own wording in.

Presents are harder, as you say, not to overwhelm. I think a voucher for a photographer could be wonderful.

I'm really sorry if this is a stupid question in anyway and I am happy to NOT send anything if protocol dictates. There are not many stupid questions if asked with genuine thoughtfulness. You sound like a great friend to have.